Thursday, June 19, 2008

Film Of The Year

Vinod Khanna recently bought a flat in my building. Apparently he got it for 30 crores. If I had brokered the deal I’d have gotten it for him for lesser. Ever since he moved into the building the guy simply can’t stop irritating me. Vinod is trying to make a big comeback to bollywood. His damn dialogue rehearsal in his castrated toad like voice had been irritating me .What’s worse is that he’d been rehearsing in English.

Vinod Khanna has no cool catchphrases.He had been trying to rehearse Hindi catchphrases of other famous heroes in English. My eardrums have been boiled to the core hearing lines like “Doggie, I Will Drink Your Blood” & “Bloody Sambha, How Many Men were present?” I had enough when he tried a Shakespearean variant of a famous Hindi movie line: “He Who Had-Est Becometh Scared-Est, Understandeth That Person Is Dead-Est.”

That’s when I marched into his house and gave him a brief yet very profound description of what I thought of him and his noise making tactics in 3 different languages. It finally hit him and he apologized. He then explained his problem to me.

“Vinod: Sorry Rakeshji, but I’m not getting inspired. Years of running behind women in extremely tight fitting pants have suffocated the blood supply to my brain. I can’t think clearly at all. I need a story that will allow me to make my successful comeback. An idea that is phenomenal and earth shattering and something that will be designated with 5 stars by overpaid critics on television.

Me: Hmmm, I have a story for you but I’ll give it to you only if you wear a chicken suit and say ‘Stock Portfolio’ 10,000 times.

Vinod: Sure, no problem. I’m shameless anyway.

Me: Good, then here it is. It’s a story of a man who was very poor. He then became rich. He then became richer and richer and richer and then he died. After his death, his two sons took all his money and made more money. The elder brother got 2000 Crore more than the other. This pissed off the younger one so much so that he stripped to his undies and ran the Bombay marathon which was renamed the Mumbai marathon thanks to Orange Guy and the Army of Shiva.

One day the younger brother wanted to buy a South African Telecom company but the elder brother tried to stop it. This pissed off the younger brother. Finally, things got so bad that they decided to settle this in a boxing match. The winner of that match would get the other’s money as well as his head.

The fight was so gruesome that they ultimately ended up killing each other.

Vinod: What happened to all their wealth?

Me: That’s the best part. It was taken over by a close family friend called Rakesh.

Vinod: Wow! But there are no chicks in the film.

Me: Sure there are, they’re definitely younger and thinner but they’re definitely there. They can play the brothers’ wives”

Vinod: Cool, can you find me a director as well?

Me: Sure. In fact I can get Steven Spielberg to direct the film.

Vinod: How come?

Me: I know this guy who started an entertainment company which will soon sign Steven Spielberg to work for him.

Vinod: But will he allow you to use Spielberg.

Me: I only have to tell him that the film Spielberg is directing will be largely based on his own life.

Vinod: You are very helpful; I’ll get ready to wear the chicken suit.

Me: You can do whatever you want with the film but remember that the character of Rakesh will be played by one man and one man only.

Vinod: Who? My bald son who isn’t bald.

Me: Shut up jackass.I meant this guy.”

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