Thursday, June 5, 2008

How I Hide My Stuff

The calendar is a wonderful invention. I just found out that it was exactly a year ago…

Back when I was just a millionaire I came across a society of people whose job it was to steal from you. Those guys stole everything I had including my underwear. Being the extraordinarily clever specimen that I am I conveniently blamed my sudden decrease in fortunes to the ‘up’s and downs’ of the Sensex.

I more than recovered all that I lost when I was robbed. Proof of this lies in the fact that I am officially Mr.1062 on Forbes but unofficially I’m #1.It is better to pay less taxes being officially #1062 rather than pay more taxes as the official #1.

But now that I’m a billionaire a billion times over the secret society of thugs is back. They have vowed to rob me of everything. My Billions, My Millions, My Golden Ganesha Statues, My Underwear and even My Precious Ear Hair.

I knew for a long time that this day would come that’s why I took precautions a long time ago. I invested a shit load of cash in a security company called TOPS. I only bought 10% in their company but more importantly along with the 10% I got a Free T Shirt that hides my freckled chest to this day.

TOPS group provides the worst security anyone can ever dream of. Those guys can’t even guard a bloody toothbrush. That’s how sloppy they are. Their guards are so fat and sluggish that it makes me feel like superman. That’s also why I hired them. Simply because they keep my confidence levels up by making me feel like superman.

My objective is to deploy this bunch of overweight monkeys at decoy locations that I will perpetrate as those places where all my stuff is stored. That will obviously send the society of thieves there. They will do all the stuff that Tom Cruise did in the Mission Impossible movies only to find out that there’s nothing there. They’ll keep breaking in to all those places manned by TOPS and continue to not find anything.

As of right now, the society has broken into 65 locations. All they found was a bunch of sleepy guards, an army of rats, tons of cobwebs and a personally autographed picture of me.

This amazing idea has been so successful that I persuaded the TOPS group to acquire more guards so that they could grow. I will still maintain my ten percent and get a Free T Shirt every few months.

I can continue spreading false information as to where my wealth is stored. The thieves can keep breaking in and continue eating cobwebs. Their increased breaking in activities will lead to physical exhaustion and ultimately heart failure. It’s a very elaborate scheme. Something only I could have thought of.

It gives me an immense sense of satisfaction to know people can’t get to all my hard earned money. At the same time knowing that I’m cleverer than them makes me feel good. All I have to figure out now is how I can live forever. That way I can continue making money and making fun of people.

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