Monday, June 30, 2008

The Australian Weapon Of Mass Destruction

The Australians have for long been making Weapons of Mass Destruction. Not only that they’ve been using it quite freely. So far one particular weapon has been used against every possible opposition to the Australian statehood.

The weapon has been unleashed on New Zealand, South Africa, England, Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Kenya and unfortunately India as well.

The United States has refused to accept the validity of these claims simply because Australian officials follow George Bush around like little puppies. George pets them and rubs their tummies. Later they all hit the nearest bar and have a FOSTERS. Just like FOSTERS is Australian for ‘packaged drinking water’ *cough *cough*BEER*; BUSH is Australian for ‘Dumbass Punk Brainless Moron’.

Recently, The Australian government decided to ban the sale of Uranium to India. That’s because the Indian scientists finally came up with a way to build Weapons of Mass Destruction. These weapons unfortunately run on Uranium. So we can’t operate these weapons without them.

Unfortunately for me, I diverted a lot of funds from by energy stocks to fund the research of the scientists. I raised even more money for this noble endeavor by walking into the nearest branch of the State Bank of India and taking a loan from them. I told them I was a farmer who lived in Vidarbha and they believed me.

On February 29, I learnt that I didn’t have to pay back the loan because the hon-her-able P.Chidambaram said it was unnecessary. I rejoiced.

I funded the research of the scientists simply because I need Weapons of Mass Destruction to destroy my enemies. Enemies like the Communists and rival stock marketers.Also, during Diwali I can launch these weapons into space and tell the multitudes of dorky stockbrokers on Dalal Street that I have the brightest and loudest fireworks.

I can then tie up with some foreign company that wants to set up an IPO. These weapons can then be marketed as the next big thing in the Indian fireworks industry. By creating this atmosphere I can ensure that the WMD/Fireworks IPO is oversubscribed thousands of times.

Because I think of all these things in advance I am known as a long term player in the market. It also shows everyone how smart I am.

All of this would have been a waste after the Australian government decided to ban the sale of Uranium to India. However I always have a back- up plan. I found a way to make the weapons work without the use of Uranium.

I was told the method of making the weapon work by an Australian farmer who had settled in India. He had gone to the State Bank of India and looked through their records. Apparently, he was there in the first place because despite having his loan waived by the government, he needed a new one due to the high cost of living caused by inflation. There he had found my name and now wanted market advice.

As part of an exchange he decided to tell me how the weapon worked without Uranium and in turn I told him how to make money in the Indian stock markets despite the falling Sensex.

Both of us are now happy. As of right now the weapon is in the Caribbean. When it is imported to India in October I will give it to the scientists to mass produce it. Then I will activate it.

All I have to do is say ‘MONKEY’.

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