Monday, September 7, 2009

Because When It Comes To Lathi Charging,No One WHOOPS YOUR ASS Better Than Uttar Pradesh Police

Do you know what chai-pani is?

If you give chai-pani to certain people then your work gets done. For all the educated Harvard types reading this who are wondering what chai-pani is and are currently googling it to find out, I’ll explain it to you.

In common parlance we Indians refer to bribes as chai-pani. It is an institutionalized form of money transfer much better than any system ever created or to be created.Clean, simple, efficient. Everything passed under the table or transferred from Swiss bank accounts while buying Italian and German guns assembled in China, service warranty made in Taiwan and IT support provided by Bangalore and here’s the best thing no stupid service charges or transfer fees, so foreign banks can piss off except Shinsei bank with whom I have a joint venture.

Anyway this is not about chai-pani. It is about Malpani.

Malpani is a doctor; he has a wife who is also a doctor. They are ordinary folk whom I have privileged with my friendship.

Recently they had a party because their daughter won an Oxford fellowship.

I can’t tell you where the party was because it was a private affair but if you want to know then ask one of the many paparazzi who were there .One of them got wind of the fact that I was showing up and when I did show up they clicked my photo. Nishtha was completely unhappy, she wanted to pounce on them and bite them.

I was double angry because all my Van Heusen S-98 white silk shirts had gone for wash so I had to make do with an ordinary blue shirt. Just like I challenged Narayan Murthy I would have challenged these paparazzi to a steel cage match if Nishtha hadn’t already obliterated them by then.

I had already contacted mini-j to find out if this particular paparazzo had any investments, I planned to reduce their market value to zero in addition to cancelling his LIC Life Insurance Policy and getting CB Bhave to pass a SEBI order accusing this fellow of having a hand in the Satyam Scam. Nobody messes with Jhunjhunwala, I will find innovative ways of making your existence even more miserable than that of the fellow who promised to marry Rakhi Sawant.

But my dear wife held me back, she is so good. She just obliged with her 8000 megawatt smile enough to power more villages than all of India’s power companies. But the fact that I was photographed in a blue shirt is appalling.

Also present at the Malpani party was the megastar of blockbuster Marathi film ‘Sawat Majhi Ladki’, Varsha Usgaonkar.

Since the markets are closed on weekends all these activist people show up at my doorstep and annoy me. They keep asking for money whether it’s for global warming, Save The Earthworms Campaign’, ‘Wear Banana Skin Chappals’,and then There’s The Worst Kind – Feminists And Their Never Ending List Of Women’s Causes Like Women Should Be Allowed To Play Video Games’, ‘Allow 33% Reservation For Women In Reality Shows Not Applicable For Khatron Ke Khiladi Which Is 99% Reservation’,

‘Observe National Women’s That Time Of Month Day’, ‘Erect Statue To Highlight Barkha Dutt’s Efforts To Promote The Indian Feminist Movement’, ‘Legalize The Term Male Chauvinist Pig’, ‘Men Should Wax Their Legs To Know What Women Go Through When They Remove Armpit Hair’.

Oh my God! It’s never ending.

One such activist is Mr.Prakash Padukone. Now I know that Mr.Padukone is India’s greatest badminton player and everything but in all seriousness it is not my responsibility to ensure that India wins more medals at the Olympics. It’s the responsibility of the sports minister and the government.

I’ve already said that the international Olympic committee should include more sports in which we Indians excel like pissing.

But Mr.Padukone cornered me at the Malpani party and to get rid of him I told him that I would sponsor his OGQ or Olympic Gold Quest program whose job is to fund talented athletes and help them win gold medals.

However, I told Mr.Padukone that I insist that the UP Police are included under the OGQ Program and that he make efforts to have the sport of ‘LATHI CHARGING’ be included in the 2012 Olympics.

Why? Just read this pamphlet being circulated on the Bombay Stock Exchange:-

‘Dear Mr.Jhunjhunwala,

We the UP Police have heard that you were at the Malpani party where you were troubled by the paparazzi.

But this is not about Malpani; it is about chai-pani.

We request that UP Police be allowed to participate in the 2012 Olympics in disciplines like Chai-Pani Transfer and Lathi Charging.

We are the best Lathi Chargers in the country and must be given quota under the OGQ scheme.

When it comes to lathi charging, there is no one better than the ISO-9079-2009-Section-c recognized, 5 stars rated, and pioneers of the Indian lathi charging movement:


Just put it like this, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the opposition party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the ruling party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you’re sleeping we’ll come to your house, wake you up and WHOOP YOUR ASS.

No discrimination, man, woman or street dog WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Teacher’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Father’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Mother’s Day.

And on Valentines Day, it’s free for all, WE WILL DEFINITELY WHOOP YOUR ASS.

365 days a year, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

We don’t need a reason to WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the morning.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the afternoon.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the evening.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the night.

We’ll do it free because we have a passion for LATHI CHARGING.

Look at this 100% real testimonial:

“My friends and I were planning to steal a post box but Uttar Pradesh police saw me and whooped my ass, now it hurts whenever I go to the toilet ,both frontside and backside, thanks UP POLICE”

And if you send us to the Olympics we can guarantee that we will bring back Gold Medals for India.

Our sponsors might change. What was once MRF

Is now ADIDAS.

But quality is forever.

Because when it comes to Lathi Charging no one WHOOPS YOUR ASS better than Uttar Pradesh Police.


Prem Prakash,

DIG Lucknow. ’

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