The Rehman Malik Theory Of Bin Laden’s Death

So the magical red button was pressed and Pakistan’s Interior Minister, the one and only Rehman Malik appeared before me to brief me on the Osama bin Laden situation.

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Me: What yaar Rehman?? Those American fellows came, blitzed past in Helicopters. Dodged your radars and by the time you got to know, they bloody found bin Laden, killed him, finished the whole set up, started the cover up and even FUC*IN escaped!

 
Rehman: I swear 100% we never knew. We had no idea that fellow was alive and that too living in Pakistan.

This was a massive Intel failure Rakesh sir! Super massive Intel failure.

Me: So what are you gonna do about it?

Rehman: Don’t worry Rakesh sir! This will never happen again. I am personally overseeing the Upgradation of all our computers…

Me:  Eh?! WTF are you talking about?

Rehman: Sir, it was an Intel failure no, so we are changing the processors of all our computers from Intel to AMD. Intel processor sucks Rakesh Sir, AMD is better. In fact we are buying AMD Processors in bulk at cheap rates from our Chinese friends. If you want I’ll get you also Rakesh Sir. They have special offer now, exchange Intel Processor for AMD Processor and get free 1 year subscription to Sonam Kapoor Monthly magazine.

It’s a great offer Rakesh sir! You want?

Me:  FU*K YOU man!!! First of all I didn’t ask you about your Intel failure. I was asking what you’re gonna do about the fact that Osama was living in your country but I am intrigued at this ‘Intel’ aspect you mention, so let me indulge you there a bit.

How in the hell is Intel responsible for your lapses?!

Rehman: Sir! Intel sold us Pentium 4 processor and we put that in our radar detection equipment. So when the American helicopters came in the radars didn’t detect the machines because of P4 processor functionality lapse.

If Intel had given us high quality processors like AMD then we would have used those in our radars and we’d have caught the bastard American planes. There would be no Intel failure this way.

So the fact of the matter is that Intel is against the war on terror. I will sue them in Pakistan Supreme Court. Bastard Intel Corporation!!! Grrrrr….

Me: Rehman, this is crazy shit! Blaming Intel for your Intelligence failure.

Rehman: But Rakesh Sir, I am not just blaming Intel, there is one party Pakistan blames more for Laden living in Pakistan…

Me:  Who?

Rehman: The United States of America

Me:  Oh! I can’t wait to hear this Shit. I know I’m gonna regret asking but pray do tell me how the US is responsible for Osama in Pakistan

Rehman: Rakesh Sir, I expect you to be surprised. When I first heard about the US supporting bin Laden I was surprised but the truth gradually opened my eyes.

Me:  Supporting?!!!

Rehman: Yes Sir supporting only, the US along with Intel Processor Company is against the War on Terror.

Just think ,all along we Pakistanis have been saying that we don’t know where bin Laden is or was but the US knew all along exactly where to find him ….

Me:  And that was in?

Rehman: Pakistan Sir! Pakistan

The Americans knew Osama was hiding for the past so many years in Pakistan but they did not tell us and we are supposed to be their allies in the war on terror!!! SHAMEFUL

Can you imagine how we feel?! I mean, the world’s biggest terrorist is hiding in Pakistan. We have always said that we are victims of terror and the fact that the most dangerous terrorist of all time was living in our country proves it!! We Pakistanis had no idea he was there but the Americans did and they don’t even tell us, Grrrrr…..

At least had they told us we would have arrested him, then filed a Chargesheet against him and done Kanooni Karwaai against him after gathering enough evidence.

Me:  So let me get this straight, you’re saying that the US is at fault for not telling you that bin Laden was hiding in your country and that since they knew where he was and you didn’t  they are the ones who should be blamed and not Pakistan.

Rehman: Exactly Rakesh sir! I couldn’t have put it better myself. Can you please repeat that last part? I’ll write it down so that our ambassadors to various countries can repeat exactly what you said when TV people ask them about bin Laden, America and Pakistan!!

Me:  That is just so ridiculously absurd, it’s almost beautiful!

Rehman: Thank you Rakesh Sir! In fact I think the Americans are hiding the truth about bin Laden by not sharing informational evidence proof of proof evidencing info. I have formulated a theory about bin Laden’s death. I call it Rehman Malik’s theory of bin Laden’s death.

It’s not a catchy title but I think it conveys the point succinctly.

Me: Oh! I can’t wait to hear this as well….

Rehman:  Rakesh sir, Rehman Malik’s theory of bin Laden’s death states the following. Let me break it down:-

1.] Osama bin Laden was never in Pakistan. Yes there was some guy in Abbottabad who looked like bin Laden, walked like bin Laden, talked like bin Laden and even watched Your Greatness on TV like bin Laden BUT it was definitely NOT OSAMA BIN LADEN!!

2.] Now if Bin Laden was not in Pakistan where was he? I am convinced that he was in the United States.

3.] The Americans had captured bin Laden a long time back but they didn’t want the media to know that he was alive on US soil so they told everyone that he was in Afghanistan and Pakistan! 

4.] Years ago the Americans realized that they needed to blame someone for “hiding” bin Laden and they picked Pakistan. Then they used advanced satellite technology to zero in on a prime piece of real estate in Abbottabad.

5.] On this piece of land they built a million dollar mansion and put in extra high walls so that when found, people would think that bin Laden put them up to hide himself!

6.] Now here’s where it gets interesting. On the night of May 1, the Americans who already had Osama in custody on American soil put him in a helicopter with US Navy Seals and flew into Pakistan under our radar which as I described had an Intel failure.

7.] Then they landed in the Abbottabad house which was built by the Americans themselves.

8.] This is when they took bin Laden into the house along with the rest of his family who had also been flown in by helicopter.

9.] After this they killed bin Laden just so that he could die on Pakistani soil and not US soil!

10.] Finally after shooting Osama they took his dead body back on the helicopter they flew in leaving his family behind in Abbottabad. After this they threw Osama in the sea, went back to America and released the false news that they had found Osama in Pakistan and killed him.

It’s the perfect plan!

Me: Wow! That’s….that’s ….a real ………interesting theory

Let me just recap this Rehman for ah….figuring out sake…….

What you’re saying is :

The Americans had custody of Osama bin Laden for all these years but they wanted the world to think he was in Pakistan. So they spent a million dollars to build a house in the most taxing environment right under the nose of the Pakistan Army and managed to keep it secret from not only the ISI but the rest of the world as well. 

At a suitable time in the future they flew bin Laden to that house under the dark of night. Then shot him in the house, killed him,flew his corpse back and buried it at sea at which point they informed the world that they had found and executed bin Laden in Pakistan!!!!

Rehman:  Exactly Rakesh sir! Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are brilliantly spectacularly awesome!!

Me:  Dude! You are one hell of a guy. I mean if you can do this with bin Laden just imagine what you can do with Dawood,Hafeez Saeed and the million other FU*Ktards who have a bug up their ass when it comes to India.

Rehman: Yes Rakesh Sir, that’s why I am the Interior Minister of Pakistan. After listening to my theories even the strongest of people get their interiors completely screwed up beyond all human comprehension! I am The Greatest Interior Screwer Upper Of All Time!

Me: Well Rehman, I  can say quite confidently that the United States are gonna have their hands full dealing with you ,the Rest of Pakistan, the War on terror and pretty much everything in between. God help the Americans, I mean they don’t even have that much experience dealing with you unlike India.

Rehman:  Absolutely Rakesh Sir! What India and Pakistan have is true friendship. These American fellows on the other hand simply cannot appreciate the value of Evidentiary Proof!

Me:  Hmmm…So what are you gonna do now Rehman?

Rehman:  I don't know Rakesh Sir.Can I just Bask in your Legendary Greatness?

 
Me: You do 1 thing Rehman.Listen to this awesome song from the Jacky Bhagnani film F.A.L.T.U called ‘Party Abhi Baki Hai’!! YOU ALSO DANCE TO THIS BECAUSE THE BLOODY COMMUNISTS ARE GONE FROM WEST BENGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PARTY!!!!

Hey Ted Strickland, You’re Gonna Get It Now BITCH, Mulayam Singh Yadav Is Coming To Ohio To Whoop Your Ass!

For the past few days I’ve been in a celebratory mood .My blood levels have been saturated with an infinite amount of Biryani following Eid & over the last few days I have been self indulgent gorging my luscious taste buds on the wonderfully delicious plethora of sweetmeats and savories that I must endure because of God Ganesha’s Happy Birthday!!! Despite my Diabetes problem I have taken it upon myself to finish an abundant supply of Ladoos,Modaks,Burfis,Kheer and every other sugar based food item the Indian civilization has produced all in an effort to please God Ganesha. Afterall I look like him!

I’ve also celebrated by updating my extremely rare and priceless collection of Ganesha statues. For the Ganesh festival I acquired the ancient, unique and magnificent GXQKMI789 model Ganesha statue. There are only 2 statues of this particular Ganesha and I now have one of them. The other is locked away in a sealed compartment guarded by the fiercest security at the mansion of one Rahul Mahajan. Pretty soon I shall steal it at which time I will possess both the GXQKMI789 Ganesha statues leading me and God Ganesha to exalt joyously, simultaneously forcing Rahul Mahajan in a pit of despair.

In the meanwhile an attempt has been made to obstruct cash money that I am by virtue of being the World’s Greatest Investor & The World’s 937^th Richest Man entitled to rule over. The man behind this nefarious scheme is Ted Strickland, The Governor of the American State of Ohio who recently made a decision to ban the outsourcing of jobs from Ohio to India.

This development directly concerns me simply because it gets in the way of the currency notes that would have otherwise nestled in the warmth and safety of one of my many cozy bank vaults.

The jobs that are outsourced to India allow Indian companies to make money and when these companies make money, I derive money from them as I invest in some of these companies.

Ted Strickland’s outsourcing ban has gotten in the way of my money and whenever somebody stands in between me and my money, it becomes personal. Like a gangster I will squeeze out every last penny from one who owes me money and chase him to the most solitary corner of the universe and reign the apocalypse down on his ass till he pays .They don’t call me RAKESH BHAI for nothing….right.

In fact if Osama Bin Laden owed me even a single paisa I’d have found him by now and beat his ass black and blue till there would be nothing left of him for the Americans to gather. NEVER EVER STAND IN THE WAY OF A MARWARI’S MONEY LET ALONE RAKESH BHAI’S MONEY.

THE VERY ESSENCE OF MY VERY NAME IS EMBEDDED WITH MONEY. EVERYBODY KNOWS I’M ALL ABOUT KICKING ASS AND MAKING CASH AND I SIMPLY NEVER TIRE OF SAYING IT OR BETTER - DOING IT!

See, I wouldn’t have had a problem with Ted Strickland’s Ohio Outsourcing ban if it were an economic decision. But I know that the bugger has his eyes on the Ohio Mid Term Elections. So in effect this is a political decision.

So if Ted Strickland wants to play politics he’d better get ready. I’m dispatching a special political operative to deal with Strickland. His name is Mulayam Singh Yadav and pretty soon Ohio will be converted into Uttar Pradesh. You wanna play politics, fine! Let’s see how you deal with an Indian politician – especially Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Mulayam Singh Yadav will restore the Indian right to do American jobs at a cheaper rate.

Ted Strickland has powerful friends like Michelle and Barack Obama:

Mulayam Singh has even more powerful friends like Laloo Yadav, Amar Singh, Ram Vilas Paswan and the guy who acted in Munnabhai MBBS.

Ted Strickland studied hard and obtained many degrees from many prestigious universities.

Mulayam Singh Yadav on the other hand said “Screw Studies, I’m riding a cycle to work everyday”

Strickland asks people to vote for him by answering questions, encouraging debates and promoting healthy discussion on government policy.

Mulayam Singh never asks, he commands people to vote for him because if someone does not vote for Mulayam Singh Yadav he sends Samajwadi Party workers to their house and this is what they do to them.

Ted Strickland takes a personal interest in the education of the children of Ohio.

Mulayam Singh never troubles children by telling them to study. Any child’s education is considered complete if he/she learns the Samajwadi Party manifesto by heart.

Strickland thinks he is cool because he wears army clothes.

Mulayam Singh is way cooler because he pimps out in his red hat.

Ted Strickland supports Free Speech and the right to freedom of speech and expression.

Mulayam Singh gives long SPEECHES for FREE across Uttar Pradesh therefore he supports FREE SPEECH even more than Strickland.

Ted Strickland is appreciated by kids and teenagers.

Mulayam Singh is supremely appreciated not only by teenagers and kids who wear Mulayam Singh face masks whenever they bathe as a sign of appreciation but also the entire buffalo population of Uttar Pradesh.

Ted Strickland backs Obama and supports the theme of ‘CHANGE WE NEED’

Mulayam Singh gets change by any means necessary including the begging bowl.

Ted Strickland is a strong advocate of reading.

The only reading Mulayam Singh ever did in his whole life was when he had to read the oath at the Swearing In Ceremony for the Chief Ministership of Uttar Pradesh.

Ted Strickland inspires young children to join politics.

Mulayam Singh inspires his own children like his son Akhilesh Singh Yadav to join politics.

Ted Strickland is an avid supporter of Ohio’s Baseball team – The Cleveland Indians.

Mulayam Singh has awesome MAN-BOOBS. This shows he is an enormous supporter of THE CLEAVAGE-LAND INDIANS.

Moral Of The Story: Uttar Pradesh + Mulayam Singh > Ohio + Ted Strickland

Special Observer Status: How Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Saved The BJP

The following is a transcript of a conversation from the BJP’s problem solving session known in Hindi as the ‘Chintan Baithak’ being held currently at Shimla. As a fair and objective, rational, handsome, strong, eloquent human being, I was invited to be an observer.

And considering God Ganesha’s given ability to solve problems, it really looks like I’m the only one who can solve the BJP’s problems and guess what, that’s exactly what I did today.

Presenting Rocky J @ BJP Chintan Baithak.

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Rajnath Singh : Hello everybody, welcome to the BJP Chintan Baithak. Please welcome Special Observer Shri. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. Jaswant Singh is no longer a part of the party but he will be here via video conference to explain his position. Now let the blames begin.

Arun Jaitley: Rajnath, all I heard was BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And more BLAH! Conservative dog shit baldy .I should be leader, Advaniji say something.

LK Advani: Screw you guys, I don’t even want to be here. I want to go home, eat pizza, drink coke and watch TV.

Jaitley: Then why don’t you just quit and make me leader.

Advani: I do want to quit you bastards, I’m bloody 81 years old and I quit the day we lost the election but the moment I said that, you bastards started to fight among yourselves all wanting to be leader. If I’d have let that happen, the party would have broken up into a million pieces and Sonia Gandhi would have started dancing.

Murli Manohar Joshi: Whatever man, I should be leader. At the age of 75 I’ve never felt younger.

M.A.Naqvi: No I should be leader not Jaitley or Joshi.

Yashwant Sinha : Shut the fu*k up Naqvi, nobody cares about you, you’re only the symbolic Muslim face of the party because we want the world to know that we’re secular even though we’re secretly controlled by a right wing Hindu organization. The only one who should be leader is me.

Sushma Swaraj: Oh hell no. Kiss my fat ass you piece of shit. You keep leaking letters to the media. Do you know what the party workers are calling you huh? They’re calling you “LETTER LEAKER”.I repeat “LETTER LEAKER”. That’s even worse than being called a “DOLL PRESSER”.

HUTCHINSON.D.PUG: *****I AM NOT A BLOODY DOLL PRESSER*****

Advani: See you’re fighting again.

Venkaiah Naidu: Eh people,what are we going to do about Jaswant Singh?

Rajnath: Okay, activate the video conference and bring Jaswant Singh online.

Jaswant: How are you? All you back stabbing sons of bitches?

Sushma: Oh come on man; don’t tell me you’re still pissed about being expelled from the BJP.

Jaswant: Of course I am, after 30 years I was sacked that too for writing a book .Worse I was sacked over phone.

Rajnath: Stop looking at me you fellows, we’re in a recession. I was trying to save money that’s why I sacked him over the phone.

Jaswant: You humiliated me, baldy!

Naidu: Relax Jaswant, it’s not personal. We thought it would be better if we sacked you over the phone, you’ll be getting your complimentary ‘I was with the BJP for thirty years’ T-shirt and Grain Sack as a symbol for your sacking in the mail, just relax.

Advani: You know Jaswant; ever since we’ve been out of power we’ve run out of money. We need to be in power to make money by taking bribes. All the money we had was blown up during the election campaign. That’s why Rajnath gave you the sack over the phone.

Jaswant: He was extremely impolite okay, he called up and said “Hey Jaswant, You’re Fired, Now Fu*K Off”, he didn’t even give me a reason.

Rajnath: What!! Isn’t it obvious, you wrote that stupid book on Jinnah you fat freak?

Jaswant: Oyey! Don’t say anything about my book baldy, you don’t even know English. You’re only a mass leader. I’m the liberal thinker and strategist.

Jaitley: Oh yeah! you’re definitely a great leader jackass; everyone knows that you’re the dude who screwed up the IC-814 hijack. Nice going.

Jaswant: You’re talking like I hijacked the plane, bastard.

Joshi: Oh yeah, a great thinker’s move to let the plane take off to Kandahar once it landed in Amritsar and what about you personally escorting Masood Azhar, dumbass.

Jaswant: Wait ,who was that who told the party workers to break the Babri Masjid, Oh yeah! that was you Joshi.

Pravin Togadia: RIOT everybody RIOT. Let’s blame the Muslims for the BJP’s infighting and blow up petrol pumps, buses and destroy glass windows, shatter and break faces.

RIOT EVERYBODY, FULL ON VHP STYLE AND LET’S CALL PRAMOD MUTHALIK TO JOIN IN!

LET’S GO PEOPLE, RIOT RIGHT NOW.

Ashok Singhal: Absolutely Togadia and let’s kill Christians as well. Here we go.

Varun Gandhi: I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I’ve been waiting to unveil my brand new ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ from Telebrands, now only Rs.567/-. Handling and delivery charges extra.

Jaswant : Way to go guys!, so its okay for Varun to use his ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ and stay in the party but when I say something about Muslims being marginalized In my book, I get expelled . Fantastic. We truly are the party with the difference.

Advani: I know this entire thing is whose fault.

Yashwant: Who?

Advani :That bastard Karan Thapar,He’s the one who nitpicked Jaswant’s brain on TV till Jaswant said those stupid things about his book.Togadia,Singhal go catch that Thapar fellow and burn his fu*kin house down. Then bring him here. I want to torture that rat.

Togadia: HELL YEAH MAN, I’M GONNA GO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GODHRA ON HIS ASS.

RIOT.

Rajnath: Okay Jaswant, I’ll give you one last chance, withdraw your Jinnah book and you get back to being in the BJP.

Jaswant: Absolutely not, I’ve been working on that book for five years and I got a huge contract to publish that book. There is no way I’m withdrawing that book.

Rajnath: Fine then, you remain fired.

Jaswant: Fine

Rajnath: Fine

Joshi: Fine, Now am I leader or what?

Jailtley: I’m leader...

Sushma: No, I’m leader.

Naidu: No, I’m leader.

Yashwant: Eh Naidu, I’m leader.

Naidu: Bastard, I’ll kill you. Where’s the mic, I’ll bash your head in with this.

Yashwant: BRING IT ON BITCH.

Togadia: RIOT, SINGHAL GET THE PETROL.

SINGHAL: What’s happening, eh who are you?

THUNDER SOUNDS, LIGHTNING CRACKLES.

Rocky J stands up.

Me: Now only I will speak. All of you are being held by the crack elite team of TOPS Security Group. A company I hold a huge stake in.

Now sit your asses down and listen to me.Naidu, put the mic down.

Naidu: Fine.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Have you forgotten who you are? You are the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Where is the party that used to block Indian roads and cause traffic jams for hours with Rath Yatras huh?

Where is the party that told the US to buzz off and exploded all those nuclear bombs in Pokhran?

Where is the party that fulfilled Pervez Musharraf’s lifelong ambition of seeing the Taj Mahal?

Where is the party that authorized the Army to kick Pakistan’s ass in the Kargil war?

Where is the party that waved bundles of cash on the floor of the Parliament during the trust vote?

Where is the party that used to make Mulayam Singh and Mayawati’s life a living hell?

Advani: Hmmmm, but tell me Jhunjhunwala why are you helping us. I thought you liked the Congress.

Me: Contrary to what you think the only thing I like is DEMOCRACY. If you guys self destruct the whole principle of an opposition party has no meaning. If the BJP breaks down then the main opposition party will be led by the Communists and I’ll be damned if I let that happen.

Jaitley: So what should we do?

Jaswant: And what about my book?

Me: Oh man! Will you just shut the hell up! **** Jaswant Singh, no one is going to even read your bloody book. It’s more than a thousand pages long and Jinnah’s story will never be made into a six part movie franchise like the Harry Potter series.

Firstly, all of you should stop talking about Jinnah, what is it with you guys and Jinnah? Then Advani now Jaswant, Can’t you all just shut up.

Nobody cares about your Jinnah theories and your Ram Temple Issues. Build roads, give people electricity, water and education and they’ll actually vote for you.

Not over these stupid things, you guys look like a bunch of jokers.

Rajnath: Sob, sob you’ve opened my eyes Jhunjhunwalaji, thank you.

I’m sorry all of you, I love you guys, except Jaitley.

Naidu, Yashwant, and Sushma in chorus: We’re sorry too, we love you.

Jaitley: Stop it, you’ll make me cry.

Joshi: But Rakeshji, how do we get out of this current mess with Jaswant. How do we bring him back into the party after having expelled him?

Me: Arre simple yaar! Use your imagination, what do you do whenever something bad happens in India.

Jaswant: We blame the Congress.

Me: Exactly!!

Rajnath: You mean….

Me:

· Of course, say this whole Jinnah thing is caused by the Congress.

• Say that Footage of Jaswant’s interview to Karan Thapar was tampered with.

• Say Jaswant has been misquoted by the media which is under Congress influence.

• Say the Congress is responsible for infighting within the BJP.Say they are bribing party leaders and workers.

• Say the details in Jaswant’s book are wrong, that Jaswant’s real book is lost and that this book is written and published under Jaswant’s name by the Congress party and you want a CBI enquiry into the whole thing.

The possibilities are endless……

Advani: Wow you truly are a genius. Now I know why the markets move to every whim and fancy of yours.

Me: Thank You! But stop fighting.

Just imagine what he’s thinking right now.