Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Rehman Malik Theory Of Bin Laden’s Death

So the magical red button was pressed and Pakistan’s Interior Minister, the one and only Rehman Malik appeared before me to brief me on the Osama bin Laden situation.

Me: What yaar Rehman?? Those American fellows came, blitzed past in Helicopters. Dodged your radars and by the time you got to know, they bloody found bin Laden, killed him, finished the whole set up, started the cover up and even FUC*IN escaped!

Rehman: I swear 100% we never knew. We had no idea that fellow was alive and that too living in Pakistan.

This was a massive Intel failure Rakesh sir! Super massive Intel failure.

Me: So what are you gonna do about it?

Rehman: Don’t worry Rakesh sir! This will never happen again. I am personally overseeing the Upgradation of all our computers…

Me:  Eh?! WTF are you talking about?

Rehman: Sir, it was an Intel failure no, so we are changing the processors of all our computers from Intel to AMD. Intel processor sucks Rakesh Sir, AMD is better. In fact we are buying AMD Processors in bulk at cheap rates from our Chinese friends. If you want I’ll get you also Rakesh Sir. They have special offer now, exchange Intel Processor for AMD Processor and get free 1 year subscription to Sonam Kapoor Monthly magazine.

It’s a great offer Rakesh sir! You want?

Me:  FU*K YOU man!!! First of all I didn’t ask you about your Intel failure. I was asking what you’re gonna do about the fact that Osama was living in your country but I am intrigued at this ‘Intel’ aspect you mention, so let me indulge you there a bit.

How in the hell is Intel responsible for your lapses?!

Rehman: Sir! Intel sold us Pentium 4 processor and we put that in our radar detection equipment. So when the American helicopters came in the radars didn’t detect the machines because of P4 processor functionality lapse.

If Intel had given us high quality processors like AMD then we would have used those in our radars and we’d have caught the bastard American planes. There would be no Intel failure this way.

So the fact of the matter is that Intel is against the war on terror. I will sue them in Pakistan Supreme Court. Bastard Intel Corporation!!! Grrrrr….

Me: Rehman, this is crazy shit! Blaming Intel for your Intelligence failure.

Rehman: But Rakesh Sir, I am not just blaming Intel, there is one party Pakistan blames more for Laden living in Pakistan…

Me:  Who?

Rehman: The United States of America

Me:  Oh! I can’t wait to hear this Shit. I know I’m gonna regret asking but pray do tell me how the US is responsible for Osama in Pakistan

Rehman: Rakesh Sir, I expect you to be surprised. When I first heard about the US supporting bin Laden I was surprised but the truth gradually opened my eyes.

Me:  Supporting?!!!

Rehman: Yes Sir supporting only, the US along with Intel Processor Company is against the War on Terror.

Just think ,all along we Pakistanis have been saying that we don’t know where bin Laden is or was but the US knew all along exactly where to find him ….

Me:  And that was in?

Rehman: Pakistan Sir! Pakistan

The Americans knew Osama was hiding for the past so many years in Pakistan but they did not tell us and we are supposed to be their allies in the war on terror!!! SHAMEFUL

Can you imagine how we feel?! I mean, the world’s biggest terrorist is hiding in Pakistan. We have always said that we are victims of terror and the fact that the most dangerous terrorist of all time was living in our country proves it!! We Pakistanis had no idea he was there but the Americans did and they don’t even tell us, Grrrrr…..

At least had they told us we would have arrested him, then filed a Chargesheet against him and done Kanooni Karwaai against him after gathering enough evidence.

Me:  So let me get this straight, you’re saying that the US is at fault for not telling you that bin Laden was hiding in your country and that since they knew where he was and you didn’t  they are the ones who should be blamed and not Pakistan.

Rehman: Exactly Rakesh sir! I couldn’t have put it better myself. Can you please repeat that last part? I’ll write it down so that our ambassadors to various countries can repeat exactly what you said when TV people ask them about bin Laden, America and Pakistan!!

Me:  That is just so ridiculously absurd, it’s almost beautiful!

Rehman: Thank you Rakesh Sir! In fact I think the Americans are hiding the truth about bin Laden by not sharing informational evidence proof of proof evidencing info. I have formulated a theory about bin Laden’s death. I call it Rehman Malik’s theory of bin Laden’s death.

It’s not a catchy title but I think it conveys the point succinctly.

Me: Oh! I can’t wait to hear this as well….

Rehman:  Rakesh sir, Rehman Malik’s theory of bin Laden’s death states the following. Let me break it down:-

1.] Osama bin Laden was never in Pakistan. Yes there was some guy in Abbottabad who looked like bin Laden, walked like bin Laden, talked like bin Laden and even watched Your Greatness on TV like bin Laden BUT it was definitely NOT OSAMA BIN LADEN!!

2.] Now if Bin Laden was not in Pakistan where was he? I am convinced that he was in the United States.

3.] The Americans had captured bin Laden a long time back but they didn’t want the media to know that he was alive on US soil so they told everyone that he was in Afghanistan and Pakistan! 

4.] Years ago the Americans realized that they needed to blame someone for “hiding” bin Laden and they picked Pakistan. Then they used advanced satellite technology to zero in on a prime piece of real estate in Abbottabad.

5.] On this piece of land they built a million dollar mansion and put in extra high walls so that when found, people would think that bin Laden put them up to hide himself!

6.] Now here’s where it gets interesting. On the night of May 1, the Americans who already had Osama in custody on American soil put him in a helicopter with US Navy Seals and flew into Pakistan under our radar which as I described had an Intel failure.

7.] Then they landed in the Abbottabad house which was built by the Americans themselves.

8.] This is when they took bin Laden into the house along with the rest of his family who had also been flown in by helicopter.

9.] After this they killed bin Laden just so that he could die on Pakistani soil and not US soil!

10.] Finally after shooting Osama they took his dead body back on the helicopter they flew in leaving his family behind in Abbottabad. After this they threw Osama in the sea, went back to America and released the false news that they had found Osama in Pakistan and killed him.

It’s the perfect plan!

Me: Wow! That’s….that’s ….a real ………interesting theory

Let me just recap this Rehman for ah….figuring out sake…….

What you’re saying is :

The Americans had custody of Osama bin Laden for all these years but they wanted the world to think he was in Pakistan. So they spent a million dollars to build a house in the most taxing environment right under the nose of the Pakistan Army and managed to keep it secret from not only the ISI but the rest of the world as well. 

At a suitable time in the future they flew bin Laden to that house under the dark of night. Then shot him in the house, killed him,flew his corpse back and buried it at sea at which point they informed the world that they had found and executed bin Laden in Pakistan!!!!

Rehman:  Exactly Rakesh sir! Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are brilliantly spectacularly awesome!!

Me:  Dude! You are one hell of a guy. I mean if you can do this with bin Laden just imagine what you can do with Dawood,Hafeez Saeed and the million other FU*Ktards who have a bug up their ass when it comes to India.

Rehman: Yes Rakesh Sir, that’s why I am the Interior Minister of Pakistan. After listening to my theories even the strongest of people get their interiors completely screwed up beyond all human comprehension! I am The Greatest Interior Screwer Upper Of All Time!

Me: Well Rehman, I  can say quite confidently that the United States are gonna have their hands full dealing with you ,the Rest of Pakistan, the War on terror and pretty much everything in between. God help the Americans, I mean they don’t even have that much experience dealing with you unlike India.

Rehman:  Absolutely Rakesh Sir! What India and Pakistan have is true friendship. These American fellows on the other hand simply cannot appreciate the value of Evidentiary Proof!

Me:  Hmmm…So what are you gonna do now Rehman?

Rehman:  I don't know Rakesh Sir.Can I just Bask in your Legendary Greatness?

Me: You do 1 thing Rehman.Listen to this awesome song from the Jacky Bhagnani film F.A.L.T.U called ‘Party Abhi Baki Hai’!! YOU ALSO DANCE TO THIS BECAUSE THE BLOODY COMMUNISTS ARE GONE FROM WEST BENGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PARTY!!!!

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