My Greatness has decided to do something called Philanthropy. In this noble endeavor I find others competing with me like these guys at JHATKAA . I have decided to help them raise the money they need to make ineffective the douches like Ghulam Nabi and Pee man Ajit Pawar . Have a look at the video and do spread the word :
My
greatness accessed this note from our hon-her-able Home Minister’s computer.
It’s an intelligence briefing sent after the Hyderabad
Blasts which occurred yesterday :
It is expected there will be terrorist based terror attacks
to destabilize our Indian democracy .We are therefore issuing this briefing to
brief all of you so you can protect your respective citizens and states.
Name of Attacker: Don’t Know
Number of Attackers : Can be 1 or more than 1.Definitely not less than 1 or more than 1 Million.
Place of Attack: Can be any place on this map.
Type of Attack: Blasting thing like bomb
Mode of operation: Usually twin blasts as in if there
are twins in one place like the MTV Roadies baldies from Tees Maar Khan THEN they
will shout so much that their heads will explode. This is called Twin Blasts.
Time of Attack: Usually between 12 pm to 12 am or
12 am to 12 pm
Recommended Course of Action: Terrorists
usually place bombs on cycles. All state police must therefore raid cycle shops
and arrest all cycle riders like Lance Armstrong:
Cycle Companies like Hero Cycles and Atlas Cycles should be
labeled Terror Camps and all their property must be confiscated.
Sometimes terrorists also put bombs in tiffin boxes therefore
everyone should stop eating food. Without any food there will be no tiffin
boxes made to put bombs in. People can drink carrot, orange and papaya juice to
keep themselves alive like this man.
End Result: Law will take
its own course AND Perpetrators will be brought to Justice
SUSHIL KUMAR SHINDE
[Indian Home Minister after Chidambaram became Finance
Minister after being Home Minister after Shivraj Patil resigned
A wise man once said “Awards Are Not Important In Life, What’s Important Is The Smile On People’s Faces When They Realize That They Get Free Stickers With Every Packet Of Biscuits They Buy”. So I found out where this wise man lived and knocked on his door..... he opened it.
I went on to systematically whoop his Ass. I gave him the Uttar Pradesh Police treatment combined with the RR Patil 3:16 treatment. That wise man has no award but he does lie in a ward in a well equipped government hospital.
The point is if somebody wants to give you an award and is willing to throw a huge party in a five star hotel, invite the media ,have eminent journalists editorialize your awesomeness in magazines ,have people give you standing ovations, hand bursting claps,tapori whistles and are also willing to invite Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor so that they can talk about the private nature of their relationship while giving you your award then you must use the occasion to remind everyone that their collective greatness is not equal to a single shred of your superiority.
Now look at my face:
As someone who has won the Bombay Stock Exchange ‘Equity Investor Of The Year’ award for the last 18 years in a row and the National Stock Exchange 'World Investor Of The Year' for the last five years in a row I am qualified to say that awards when accompanied by a cash prize allow you to buy more shares in Indian companies.
The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has been nominated in two categories:
1.Most Humorous Indiblog
2.Best Personal Indiblog
I know what you’re thinking. The nominations are in the wrong categories.
Till today I swear I have never said even one funny thing, so how can my Secret Journal be nominated for ‘Most Humorous Indiblog’? It would have been right if the Secret Journal were nominated in the ‘MOST TUMOROUS INDIBLOG’ category considering the fact that there are documented cases of people receiving tumors after reading my complex thoughts.
But the second nomination in ‘Best Personal Indiblog’ is justified because of my super sexy awesome personality.
But I would have preferred to be nominated in ‘BEST FOOD INDIBLOG’ because I eat a lot of food. Also my recipes to make money are world renowned and highly acclaimed.
I should have also been nominated in BEST PHOTO INDIBLOG. Where else will you get to see photos like this?; where I’m now on Mount Rushmore except on TheSecret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala?
The Indibloggies are awarded to blogs which receive the maximum number of votes. So if you want me to win then you should head on over to this link and cast your vote:
But if you still have questions then read this FAQ section consisting of personalized questions compiled by the team at R^RE enterprises.
Q.)Hello Sirji, myself item number expert Yana Gupta.Why are the Indibloggies for 2008 being given towards the end of 2009?
A.)These awards run according to Indian Standard Time. Being a Czechoslovakian import you will not understand. In fact last year’s awards show is too early. They should not be held this year. They should be held next year or the year after that. Justice Liberhan of the Babri Masjid report says the awards for 2008 should be held after 17 years i.e. in 2025.
Q.)Will you stop forcing me to post horribly obscene pictures like this on the Secret Journal if you win?
--The guy who makes pictures for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala
A.)My answer is ‘YES’ until December 10th which is the last day until which you can vote. The polls close after that so if you ask me this question after December 10th then my answer is “No, I will fire your ass if you ask me this question again and strip you of your pension + LIC insurance policy.”
Q.)I’m a busy man, I want to vote for you but I don’t want to fill out some greasy registration form with all my address/phone number details, etc for my vote. I’m scared that if I fill out unnecessary details then the Income Tax department will get to know about me and will therefore raid me.
--D. Napoleon, Minister of State, Social Justice and Empowerment, Government of India
A.)No details are needed.You only need a valid e-mail address to confirm your vote ,that’s all.
Q.)I don’t even like you, should I vote for you even then?
--Shankar Sharma, De Facto Leader – Indian Bear Cartel/Constant Irritation Provider
A.)Yes, your vote even if you don’t like me is valid. However, the fact that you don’t like me means that there is something wrong with you. I’m an extremely likeable person. You should get your head examined by a psychiatrist immediately. Please don’t delay, I worry about your health. Why don’t you go to ‘Psycho Clinic’?
Q.) As a student of Madhu Koda I am interested in doing scam. Can I vote for you with different email ID’s?
A.)Yes!! That’s the spirit. Vote for me many times from as many e-mail id’s .From now until December 10th you should dedicate your life towards creating as many e-mail id’s as possible and using them to vote for me .Some sites which provide free e-mail services are Gmail, Yahoo, Indiatimes & Rediff.
Q.)What are some of the things you will say if you perhaps don’t win the Indibloggies?
A.)In the off chance that I don’t win then some of the things I will say are:
“The Bear Cartel is trying once again to mess with me.”
“I allege a conspiracy with help from a foreign hand.”
“I have reports that the Electronic Voting Machines were tampered with, I demand a transparent enquiry into the matter by the foremost Police authority in India- the Aarushi Talwar murder investigators, NOIDA Police”.
“The media portrayed me in a negative light; the media should be banned immediately. If not I will hire the Shiv Sena to break Their TV studios.”
“This is a case of prejudice against minorities. I am someone who has a lot of money thus I am in a minority community in India. My attempt to win the Indibloggies has been stifled by the majority, that’s those who don’t have as much money as me so I demand intervention by the Central Minorities Commission of India.”
“I will appeal this verdict in the Honorable Supreme Court Of India.”
“A report in The Jhunjhunwala Times has reported irregularities and fraud in the election process. The CBI should investigate the matter immediately.”
“It was Jaswant Singh’s fault, his book on Jinnah spoiled my chances of winning the Indibloggies.”
“There was no 'Critics Choice' category.The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala was also ignored in surefire winner categories such as Best Sound Editing, Best Production Design and Best Background Music.”
I could simply buy out the Indibloggies and win every award in every category. After all my net worth is tremendously more than all the nominees in all the categories – combined.
But then again Democracy – I believe in it. So if you want me to win, vote for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala at the Indibloggies for Most Humorous Indiblog & Best Personal Indiblog :
My name is Chhagan Bhujbal. Since my face resembles the face of a Bulldog I am fondly called BULLDOG FACE CHHAGAN.
I am most recognizable especially in countries like Canada and in our own wheat bowls of Punjab as Ace Bhangra Punjabi Pop Singing Sensation ‘CHHUGGY B’.
Coming soon is my new album in which I collaborate with fellow Punjabi singers Daler Mahendi, Gurdas Mann, Jazzy B;
and International Diva Kylie Minogue on a track called ‘Chhuggy Wuggy’ where Kylie wants to ‘Chhuggy Wuggy with me boy, Chhuggy Wuggy with me boy’
T-Series Cassettes and CD's proudly presents my new album “MERE PIND DE VAASTE”.Dropping in stores soon.
You may also know me as the Current Deputy Chief Minister of Maharashtra and it is in this avatar that I approach you today with humbly folded hands.
Please cast your vote in favor of ‘HAND’ symbol or ‘CLOCK’ symbol this election and bring us back to power.
Please just do this and I personally promise you that we will not bother you in any way for the next five years.
Our great alliance is headed by Shriji Sharadji Pawarji and the dynamic leadership of MadamJi Shrimatiji Soniaji Gandhiji.
If you vote for us you will also get the patronage of the Honorable Prime Minister of India Shri Dr.Manmohan Singhji also known to foreigners as “That Nice Man Who Wears A Turban And Is The Chief Of That Country Where Cows Are Worshipped”
While our distinguished political opponents are promising to do SOMETHING and many things to improve Maharashtra, please vote for us because we promise to do NOTHING.
You might be surprised, let me explain.
The essence of politics lies in the incorrect perception that doing SOMETHING will solve everyone’s problems while actually NOTHING really needs to be done.
My party philosophy is simple“DO NOTHING AND NOTHING WILL GO WRONG”
Our progress lies in the fact that NOTHING must be done and we are the only party alliance that promises to maintain this status quo.
Because if you do SOMETHING, then SOMETHING ELSE needs to be done. In fact our state and country are in such a horrible situation only because people have been doing SOMETHING or the other.
Every time there is a problem, politicians provide a solution and that solution only creates more problems.
For example during BJP-Shiv Sena rule they built some roads and then people started to drive their cars and bikes on those roads, now there is a traffic jam on every road in the city. If we had instead not built those roads then people would not have bought any vehicles and everybody would have walked to work or school. The extra exercise would have made them healthier; it is a proven fact that walking reduces the risk of heart disease by Thirty Five percent.
Now everybody is having Heart Problems and for that we have to build hospitals and provide doctors. But these bloody doctors go on strike every few days and patients become sick and get Swine Flu.
So like that, I am simply asking you to appreciate our skills and apply Human Resource skills with Psychology, have a positive attitude and change your way of thinking.
Because doing SOMETHING is the root cause of all our problems but our party promises to do NOTHING because if you do NOTHING, NOTHING can go wrong! See how simple it is.
Now take a look at our opponent Raj Thackeray and his MNS.
He wants to evict North Indians from Maharashtra and for that he is doing SOMETHING like breaking things like buses.
Now because of this the state government has to buy new buses and for that we have to raise taxes. See how unproductive doing SOMETHING is!
The BJP-Shiv Sena on the other hand says we need to do SOMETHING for the development of Maharashtra .Once again this is wrong because our alliance knows that NOTHING in reality needs to be done and development is overrated.
For example, if a water line bursts under the road you live on, the BJP promises to have that repaired as quickly as possibly. In our case we will do NOTHING and let the water leak.
In time the water will spill out and eventually become a lake. Then you can take your family and friends boating in that lake which was created because NOTHING was done!!
Scientific progress can also be achieved by doing NOTHING. Take the case of the American Space Agency NASA, they wanted to study the moon and bombed its surface thereby creating POTHOLES.
In our case, we did NOTHING when our roads started to deteriorate and achieved the same pothole effect that NASA created by blasting the moon for literally no money! See how much scientific progress we have achieved by doing NOTHING!
Professional success can also be achieved by doing NOTHING.
Take my own case, I was sitting at home doing NOTHING then 26/11 happened. From being an ordinary member of the Maharashtra Assembly I became Maharashtra’s Deputy Chief Minister all because I did NOTHING. Now others would have done SOMETHING like campaigning, kissing up to the party high command, etc but I did NOTHING and today I’m the Deputy Chief Minister of Maharashtra.
My predecessor Shri R.R Patil was ‘sacked’ for doing NOTHING during 26/11 but in reality he was rewarded because he did NOTHING. Be honest, no one had even heard of R.R Patil and the fact that he was the then Deputy Chief Minister Of Maharashtra, but during 26/11 like always he did NOTHING and now he’s super famous and well known in the media worldwide because he did NOTHING!
Instead had he actually done SOMETHING then even more problems would have been created. The opposition would have accused him of ulterior motives and asked the CBI for an enquiry. Even the media would have accused of doing the wrong SOMETHING. Instead he did NOTHING and look where he is today!
Even Maharashtra’s Chief Minister Shri Ashok Chavan was like me doing NOTHING. Then 26/11 happened and he continued to do NOTHING and now he’s the Chief Minister of Maharashtra!
Though of course our opposition will say that he was chosen to replace Shri Vilasrao Dehmukhji who too was accused of doing NOTHING during 26/11 and then ‘fired’ but once again that is untrue. Shri Vilasrao Deshmukh has merely achieved the next step of success. Because he did NOTHING he was the Chief Minister of Maharashtra, then he continued to do NOTHING and because his way of doing NOTHING was so profound during 26/11 , the Congress Party promoted him.
He’s now applying his skills of doing NOTHING in New Delhi where he is a Union Cabinet Minister. He was only a local state Chief Minister but now he is a national countrywide Union Cabinet Minister. Only because he did NOTHING!
Do you finally get the evil messages being spread by the opponents of the Congress-NCP alliance who all promise to do SOMETHING? Instead if you vote for us we will do NOTHING.
Because if you do NOTHING, NOTHING can go wrong. Do you finally get the beauty of doing NOTHING? It’s a marvelous way to live! And that’s the Standard Of Life that the Congress-NCP alliance offers you.
We offer NOTHING and in return NOTHING will happen so NOTHING needs to be done! And everyone will be happy.
If you need more convincing take the case of Barack Obama. He did NOTHING and today he’s a Nobel Peace Prize award winner!
Please cast your valuable vote in our favor and help us come back to power with a resounding victory.
