Thursday, December 3, 2009

Vote 2009 :FAQ User Guide

A wise man once said “Awards Are Not Important In Life, What’s Important Is The Smile On People’s Faces When They Realize That They Get Free Stickers With Every Packet Of Biscuits They Buy”. So I found out where this wise man lived and knocked on his door..... he opened it.

I went on to systematically whoop his Ass. I gave him the Uttar Pradesh Police treatment combined with the RR Patil 3:16 treatment. That wise man has no award but he does lie in a ward in a well equipped government hospital.

The point is if somebody wants to give you an award and is willing to throw a huge party in a five star hotel, invite the media ,have eminent journalists editorialize your awesomeness in magazines ,have people give you standing ovations, hand bursting claps,tapori whistles and are also willing to invite Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor so that they can talk about the private nature of their relationship while giving you your award then you must use the occasion to remind everyone that their collective greatness is not equal to a single shred of your superiority.

Now look at my face:

As someone who has won the Bombay Stock Exchange ‘Equity Investor Of The Year’ award for the last 18 years in a row and the National Stock Exchange 'World Investor Of The Year' for the last five years in a row I am qualified to say that awards when accompanied by a cash prize allow you to buy more shares in Indian companies.

I have been informed that I have been nominated for the Indian blog awards a.k.a the Indibloggies .

The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has been nominated in two categories:

1. Most Humorous Indiblog

2. Best Personal Indiblog

I know what you’re thinking. The nominations are in the wrong categories.

Till today I swear I have never said even one funny thing, so how can my Secret Journal be nominated for ‘Most Humorous Indiblog’? It would have been right if the Secret Journal were nominated in the ‘MOST TUMOROUS INDIBLOG’ category considering the fact that there are documented cases of people receiving tumors after reading my complex thoughts.

But the second nomination in ‘Best Personal Indiblog’ is justified because of my super sexy awesome personality.

But I would have preferred to be nominated in ‘BEST FOOD INDIBLOG’ because I eat a lot of food. Also my recipes to make money are world renowned and highly acclaimed.

I should have also been nominated in BEST PHOTO INDIBLOG. Where else will you get to see photos like this?; where I’m now on Mount Rushmore except on The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala?

The Indibloggies are awarded to blogs which receive the maximum number of votes. So if you want me to win then you should head on over to this link and cast your vote:

But if you still have questions then read this FAQ section consisting of personalized questions compiled by the team at R^RE enterprises.

Q.) Hello Sirji, myself item number expert Yana Gupta.Why are the Indibloggies for 2008 being given towards the end of 2009?

A.)These awards run according to Indian Standard Time. Being a Czechoslovakian import you will not understand. In fact last year’s awards show is too early. They should not be held this year. They should be held next year or the year after that. Justice Liberhan of the Babri Masjid report says the awards for 2008 should be held after 17 years i.e. in 2025.

Q.)Will you stop forcing me to post horribly obscene pictures like this on the Secret Journal if you win?

--The guy who makes pictures for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

A.)My answer is ‘YES’ until December 10th which is the last day until which you can vote. The polls close after that so if you ask me this question after December 10th then my answer is “No, I will fire your ass if you ask me this question again and strip you of your pension + LIC insurance policy.”

Q.)I’m a busy man, I want to vote for you but I don’t want to fill out some greasy registration form with all my address/phone number details, etc for my vote. I’m scared that if I fill out unnecessary details then the Income Tax department will get to know about me and will therefore raid me.

--D. Napoleon, Minister of State, Social Justice and Empowerment, Government of India

A.)No details are needed.You only need a valid e-mail address to confirm your vote ,that’s all.

Q.)I don’t even like you, should I vote for you even then?

--Shankar Sharma, De Facto Leader – Indian Bear Cartel/Constant Irritation Provider

A.)Yes, your vote even if you don’t like me is valid. However, the fact that you don’t like me means that there is something wrong with you. I’m an extremely likeable person. You should get your head examined by a psychiatrist immediately. Please don’t delay, I worry about your health. Why don’t you go to ‘Psycho Clinic’?

Q.) As a student of Madhu Koda I am interested in doing scam. Can I vote for you with different email ID’s?

A.)Yes!! That’s the spirit. Vote for me many times from as many e-mail id’s .From now until December 10th you should dedicate your life towards creating as many e-mail id’s as possible and using them to vote for me .Some sites which provide free e-mail services are Gmail, Yahoo, Indiatimes & Rediff.

Q.)What are some of the things you will say if you perhaps don’t win the Indibloggies?

-- Arabinda Rajkhowa, Chairman, United Liberation Front of Assam (ULFA)

A.)In the off chance that I don’t win then some of the things I will say are:

  • “The Bear Cartel is trying once again to mess with me.”
  • “I allege a conspiracy with help from a foreign hand.”
  • “I have reports that the Electronic Voting Machines were tampered with, I demand a transparent enquiry into the matter by the foremost Police authority in India- the Aarushi Talwar murder investigators, NOIDA Police”.
  • “The media portrayed me in a negative light; the media should be banned immediately. If not I will hire the Shiv Sena to break Their TV studios.”

  • “This is a case of prejudice against minorities. I am someone who has a lot of money thus I am in a minority community in India. My attempt to win the Indibloggies has been stifled by the majority, that’s those who don’t have as much money as me so I demand intervention by the Central Minorities Commission of India.”

  • “I will appeal this verdict in the Honorable Supreme Court Of India.”
  • “A report in The Jhunjhunwala Times has reported irregularities and fraud in the election process. The CBI should investigate the matter immediately.”
  • “It was Jaswant Singh’s fault, his book on Jinnah spoiled my chances of winning the Indibloggies.”
  • “There was no 'Critics Choice' category.The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala was also ignored in surefire winner categories such as Best Sound Editing, Best Production Design and Best Background Music.”

I could simply buy out the Indibloggies and win every award in every category. After all my net worth is tremendously more than all the nominees in all the categories – combined.

But then again Democracy – I believe in it. So if you want me to win, vote for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala at the Indibloggies for Most Humorous Indiblog & Best Personal Indiblog :

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala – Also an acclaimed blogger. I

always knew I was going to be nominated at the

Indibloggies. I never doubted it even for a minute.

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