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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Blog Update

My Dear Worshippers,

For the past few weeks I have not poured forth my literary excellence in the form of new posts on my very Super Gargantuan Multiple Awesomeness Bearing Secret Journal. Apart from entertaining Rekha, Nishtha and The J Twins I have of course been busy with the Markets.

For the record, The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala is on a brief hiatus. The blog is undergoing a few changes. Many readers have complained that the pages do not load in Chrome. Issues like these are being addressed.

Also, the Guy who makes pictures for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has gone home to visit his parents and supervise the wedding of his fifth sister to the Village Sarpanch’s son. Once he returns you can get back to seeing pictures of Director Yash Chopra dressed up as Spiderman:

 

 In the meanwhile you can catch My Greatness on Twitter at this link: http://twitter.com/Jhunjhunwala
Please check back in some time. Till then satisfy your Jhunjhunwala needs by staring at my beautiful face:

Sunday, November 14, 2010

National Corruption Institute Of India(NCII)

You’ve all heard of B-Schools. Yes the IIM and related armada of annually turned out Business School graduates who all end up working in companies which I have huge stakes in and yes the B-SCHOOL is also a distinct brand of business teaching that allows Professor Arindam Chaudhuri to dare aspiring B-Schoolers to think beyond the IIM’s and in return be rewarded with laptops (on a first come first serve basis)

The future of this country lies not in the B-School but rather in the C-SCHOOL where C stands for CORRUPTION. Apart from this Legendary Investor the next bunch of highest money makers are our politicians.

And politicians need to excel in the art and science of corruption to become successful politicians. Therefore I forecast a C-School boom much like the B-School boom so that aspiring politicians can learn the proper ways of corruption.

But no matter how many C-schools come up, none will ever match the class and academic scholarship of the World’s Best C-School: THE NATIONAL CORRUPTION INSTITUTE OF INDIA or The NCII.

Our most prestigious politicians like Shibu Soren, Sharad Pawar, Mulayam Singh, Vilasrao Deshmukh, The Reddy Brothers, Madhu Koda, Mayawati and more recently Ashok Chavan, A.Raja and Suresh Kalmadi have passed out with distinguished honors from the hallowed grounds of the NCII.

If you too want to become a successful politician then you must join the NCII.The WORLD’S GREATEST C-SCHOOL! Just check out their new advertisement for aspiring C-School applicants:


National Corruption Institute Of India (NCII) Affiliated To Indian Parliament

Listed on the World Corruption Index as the World’s Best C-School

Invites Applications for 3 Years Undergraduate Bachelors Degree in Corruption (BC).

Earn your BC from the World’s Most Reputed Institute for Corruption Studies

OUR COMPREHENSIVE SYLLABUS INCLUDES:-

Financial Theory and Practice

  • Transfer of funds through HAWALA for creation of MASS GHOTALA
  • FINANCIAL NETWORKING -Movement of money through well engineered networks between State Party Units and Central Party Unit.
  • Solicitation methods to increase donations towards Party Fund.
  • Theory and application of Popular BRIBE concepts and ­methods like ‘Chai Pani’, ‘Parcel’, ‘Change’, ‘Gift Box’ , ‘Color TV’, ‘Foreign Trip’ and the ever popular ‘Children’s School Fees’
Public Relations (PR) and Media Management
  • Learn how to be MISQUOTED BY THE MEDIA.
  • Learn to say the right things to be QUOTED OUT OF CONTEXT.
  • Excellent training in PARTY SPOKESMANOLOGY .Learn how to argue on TV with other Party people on TV like Professor Manish Tewari and Professor Ravi Shankar Prasad.
  • Develop public gestures like NAMASTE and HAND WAVING.
  • Learn the art of proving all allegations as “BASELESS AND POLITICALLY MOTIVATED”
  • Effectively refute STING OPERATIONS. Advanced course in proving that VIDEO FOOTAGE IS FALSE AND MANIPULATED.
Law and Order Module:

In this module you will learn how to:
  • Commit MURDER and RAPE
  • Bring LOCAL POLICE under your control
  • Get BAIL super fast if you are ever arrested.
  • Apply and get speedy ANTICIPATORY BAIL so you don’t get arrested in the first place!
  • FIGHT ELECTIONS FROM JAIL! Special lectures in this chapter by visiting Professors Shahbuddin and Pappu Yadav!


Advanced Riotology
  • Methods to build your own storage houses for HOCKEY STICKS AND WEAPONS to engineer riots.
  • Identify and develop your own fuel depots for easy and widespread dispersal of RIOT FRIENDLY PETROL TANKERS
  • Form effective partnerships with local liquor stores for easy procurement of ‘DESI DARU’ to get rioters high and ensure awesome rioting!
  • Full study in CONTEMPORARY BUS BURNING. New age exciting methods for INSTANTANEOUS BUS COMBUSTION.
  • Introductory Kashmir method of inciting riots through STONE THROWING.
  • Actual rioting demonstrations under the expert tutelage of Professor Pravin Togadia.
Gain Extensive Knowledge From Our Faculty Of World Class Professors . Special Courses In:
  • ‘2G SPECTRUM – A Telecommunications Perspective’ By Professor Andimuthu Raja
  • ‘Flat Taking From Army Jawan’ By Professor Ashok Chavan
  • The Correct Standard of Clean’ By Professor Lalit Bhanot
  • ‘Sports Medal or No Medal, In Corruption Always Get Gold Medal’ By Professor Suresh Kalmadi
  • ‘Application of Corruption on Non Human Species – Stealing Money for Cattle Fodder’ By Professor Laloo Prasad Yadav
  • ‘Building A Corridor For The Taj Mahal Can Cost More Money That Building The Taj Mahal Itself’ By Professor Mayawati Kumari.
And Many Many More!!

SO FORGET B-SCHOOL!

BE COOL JOIN C-SCHOOL.

NCII IS THE BEST.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The World’s Kindest Person

Ever since I can remember I have been The World’s Kindest Person.

My heart is filled with so much goodness, grace and benevolence that appreciation for all life simply pours forth from this ridiculously good looking body.

I have turned down the Nobel Peace Prize an incredible 78 times simply because I don’t want the unnecessary attention for being such an exemplary example of a fantastic, kind, generous being ever ready to help my fellow human.

I am the most humble person in history. Every single person who has read My Secret Journal knows for a fact that I never make a big deal about my phenomenal achievements .They know that I always keep a low profile.

See I’m Not an Attention Seeker; I’m An Attention Getter. It’s A Side Effect of Greatness.

Recently I was approached by eBay the website and ET NOW the business channel for a charity lunch auction wherein the highest bidder would be privileged with the distinguishingly epic gargantuan once in an epoch path breaking generation changing life altering phenomenal eureka moment of deliverance in being able to dine at lunch with ME.


Yes, ME.

I am the World’s Greatest Investor but I am also the World’s Greatest Eater. In fact when ET NOW first approached me I misheard the name as EAT NOW.

The winning bid was an astonishing never ever before even heard of 14.2 lakh rupees (local taxes and VAT extra)

You will in time see me dining in the charity lunch on ET/EAT NOW

The stock broker who made the winning bid is a guy from Gujarat named Anirudh Sethi and he is right now in a coma. A coma he fell into unable to believe that his amount had indeed earned him the privilege, the exhilarating experience of dining with MY GREATNESS. The doctors have informed me that he will recover in time for the lunch.

Now, when he comes down to Mumbai I could treat him to a wonderful lunch anywhere right from the Taj to the Street Chats at Chowpatty.

I can order the new and improved Kitchen King from Telebrands which prepares everything in under 15 minutes and treat him to a wonderful array of tasty dishes prepared on the Kitchen King by my expert entourage of expert chefs!

Heck, I can even offer the guy sawdust with water melon seeds and he would just bawl over it. His salivary glands will work overtime in processing the fine ground powder and his brain will project an illusion of the most awesome meal he has ever had simply because the one with whom he dines with is me.

Yes, ME.

All of this money will go towards a charity based in Bangalore because like I already said: I am the kindest greatest man ever with a heart of compassion. I mean I’m not just great looking and incredibly super rich; I have a heart of gold. I can literally replace my cardiac muscle with an actual heart of gold.

The charity lunch will occur and By God it will be the greatest charity lunch of all time.

And with Diwali coming up I am gonna burst crackers …..right.

One must always appreciate Diwali and never ever give up the opportunity to make as much noise as possible, eat as many sweets and savories as possible , attend as many business channel Samvat shows as possible, WEAR as many new clothes as possible, spend time with The J Twins,Nishtha,Rekha And Mom.

Overall just put the biggest DHAMAKA ever on this festive season the likes of which the world has never seen before.

I Am Off To Celebrate Diwali.

Dear Readers, Here’s Wishing You All A Great, Happy and Wonderful Diwali. May This Festive Season bring you and Your Family Loads of Happiness and Prosperity.

OYE PATAKA JALAO YAAR! NOISE POLLUTION BABY, COME ON! ALL THAT GLOBAL WARMING ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN BY ITSELF.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Yes,ME.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Note To Suresh Kalmadi : This Is A Public Service Announcement Offering Your Ass A Free Attitude Adjustment


Dear Suresh Kalmadi,

If India were anything apart from a democracy your fate as of this moment would have been far different. A dictatorship for instance would have drilled a hole in you, fastened a marauding steel chain through your ribs and hauled your body into a dungeon where you would have been beaten, battered, finely diced, smashed and pulverized into tiny fragments till all that’s left of you would be well refined bone powder. At this stage this powder would be deposited into an urn which would then be displayed in a museum under the exhibit titled ‘COUNTRY’S GREATEST ASSHOLES’.

Of course with India being a democracy the worse that will happen to you is a court case which will take the rest of your life to finish allowing you enough time to Apply,Re-Apply And Re-Re-Re Apply for bail thereby making sure that you never even see the inside of a jail cell. Accountability and responsibility being totally lost on you, you will roam around India being freer and more exposed than Rakhi Sawant’s cleavage after a fresh refilling of silicon.

After your adventures at organizing the Commonwealth Games I can only honor you by throwing a pair of shoes at you that have been first dolloped with generous heaps of Dog Shit,Plastered with the muckiest amounts of Horse Shit ,Embalmed with the grainiest helpings of Monkey Crap,slathered in Bacterial Rat Slime mixed in with finely powdered DVD Fragments of films starring Uday Chopra and Tusshar Kapoor while exposed to radiation beams emitted from charging up Rahul Mahajan’s brain and then sent through an all expenses paid trip across the entire length and breadth of India’s acclaimed sewer system.

After this the shoes would then have to be launched from ISRO’s rocket launch centre at Sriharikota at the exact coordinates that when they’re launched they clock you straight in the jaw.

But throwing the shoes at you would be highly insulting to not only the shoes but also the Dog Shit, Horse Shit, Monkey Crap, Uday Chopra & Tusshar Kapoor Film DVD’s, Rat Slime, Rahul Mahajan’s Radiated Brain and India’s entire sewer system.

You are a special type of Asshole. An extremely rare breed of SHITHEAD, endowed with a staggering talent for creating bullshit. A distinguished idiot wrapped in a moron topped off with generous amounts of DICKHEADEDNESS all of which have led you to your immortal achievements at the CWG.

Therefore throwing the shoes at you would not only insult the shoes, they would also be highly inadequate to celebrate the magnificent achievements of a celebrated and gargantuan asshole such as yourself.

So if something has to be thrown at you the only thing that can do justice would be YOU, therefore we would have to throw YOU at YOU! This is the only way your Assholic brilliance can be fully recognized.

Hence we would need to first extract massive amounts of DNA from you .Then cryogenically freeze you and keep you safe in a hyperbaric chamber.

Your extracted DNA would then be used to create an exact clone of yourself. The DNA would be fertilized into an empty human egg and placed into the uterus of a surrogate who would then incubate the embryo till it is born 9 months later as a fully developed baby!

This cloned Kalmadi baby would then be raised till it reaches a suitable age where it socially develops the same brand of incompetence, corruption, mismanagement, lying, cheating and scamming that you currently possess. After the clone attains a suitable appearance very much like yours it would then be taken and prepared to be thrown at you.

You would then be unfrozen from your cryogenic status and placed upon a tall pedestal. Now the clone would be taken, placed in a cannon and shot at you at full speed till it impacts you straight and with as much force as a hi-tech ballistic missile.

Now that’s the way to properly honor you!

Simply throwing shoes at you would hardly celebrate your achievements. You can only be honored by throwing yourself @ yourself or in this case a highly developed clone of yourself at yourself!!

Watching you organize these CWG Games over the past 2 years has been an even less pleasurable experience than perhaps jamming a metal spike up my nose right into my brain and turning it around till I hemorrhage.

All this country wanted to do was to host a successful games for 2 weeks and try to show some semblance that a population of a billion can make a half decent effort to organize a sporting event for a fortnight.

It’s bad enough every Terrorist Jihadi Asshole and his donkey from across the border wants to bomb the shit out of the Games to show the ‘infidels’ that India is a conspirator in the imperialistic designs of the Americans and every other possible excuse in between.

WHATEVER.

No athlete is anyway going to feel safe when the security arrangements are being handled by these guys: The Delhi Police .That’s Right – I Said The Delhi Police.

This country has enough problems in every nook and corner of its being. There are stone throwers in Kashmir, Naxals in Bihar, Chhattisgarh, West Bengal, Andhra Pradesh and Jharkhand, farmers killing themselves in Vidarbha, hostile neighbors on either side, mass poverty and unemployment throughout the country, rising prices, rotting grains, the list is endless. Most of all this is a society in which Ravindra Jadeja repeatedly gets selected into the Indian cricket team!

But you have easily overpowered all of the above and become the centre of attention for Organizing The Most Enormously Disorganized Commonwealth Games in History.

At every step you and your entourage have successfully sucked money out of these games. You have sucked so much from these games that you should be a case study for Industrial Strength High Power Vacuum Cleaners.

Your CWG adventures have led the country to shell out more than 70,000 Crores for something that could be accomplished and accomplished excellently at tenth of that price. So while you were spinning your fairytales about India being a sporting superpower our tax money was busy lining them Swiss Bank accounts.

Of course how you landed this job in the first place is one big mystery something the combined tenacity of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and the entire CID team of ACP Pradyuman cannot figure out though we should be less surprised when we realize India’s Sports Minister is MS Gill.

A Sports Minister who wouldn’t know the difference between the Sport of Javelin from the Port Of Mumbai. This is the same man who asked P.Gopichand ; only the second Indian ever to win the All England Badminton Championship and the mentor of India’s greatest ever Women’s Badminton Player Saina Nehwal,– “Who Are You?”

The same MS Gill who shooed away the coach of World Champion Wrestler Sushil Kumar as if he were a street dog.


Finding all the cash you and your buddies have made from this CWG story will be impossible to find. It would infact be easier to search for and find Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Afghanistan and the borders of Pakistan than all the convoluted hawala trails this CWG money has been through.

So Congrats, you made your grease. Hiring a jackass to run our Games has cost us 70,000 Crores. At Least In Return You Could Have Done What Was Expected Of You – Your Job

Instead we witnessed along with the rest of the world what your efforts have led to with just 8 days left for the games .These spectacles:

The athletes who are to stay in these rooms would much rather opt to stay in the untreated underside of a gutter under a pig sty instead of these so called ‘accommodations’.

Were these rooms meant for human beings or visiting cockroaches with no disrespect meant towards any cockroaches?

And while Delhi races against time to prep these games waging a war against the rains, dengue and your collapsing architecture your right hand man, the Hon-Her-Able Lalit Bhanot is busy saying things like this:






This after the same guy authorizes toilet paper to be bought at 4000 bucks a pop.

I will pray these games succeed not for your sake but for all those who have worked hard to make these games a success.

1.] The Laborers Clearing the Debris,

2.] The Umpteen Volunteers Showing Up With a Smile on Their Faces to Make Delhi a Hospitable Place

3.] The Civil Servants in the Government Who Are Entrusted the Task of Cleaning the Mess You Created

4.] Those Athletes Who Are Still Considerate Enough To Participate In This Otherwise Pot Boiled CLUSTERFU*K

And for the rest of us WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN.

You on the other hand deserve a special salute for your efforts. It’s called THE MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE and it looks a little something like this:

There Are A Whole Bunch Of Creatures Giving You The Middle Finger Salute Dear Kalmadi.

MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE FROM A PISSED OF SMILEY:

MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE FROM THE BACHCHANS:

MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE FROM THIS TREE:

MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE FROM THIS GUY! :

MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE FROM THE MONKEY:

AND A VERY SPECIAL MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE FROM YOUR FRIEND SHERA!

Even I salute you Kalmadi!

Now Go To Hell And Take That Shitbag Lalit Bhanot With You.


Yours Sincerely,

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.

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