Wednesday, November 27, 2013

'I Did Not Rape That Girl. IT WAS A LIFT INSPECTION' - Tarun Tejpal

Dear Sir Sri Jhunjhunwala,

My name is Tarun Tejpal and I am not a rapist.

I used to run a magazine called Tehelka till I was forced to take a 6 month vacation .My idiot Managing Editor Shoma Chaudhury now runs the place while I do laceration and atonement.

No , Not the film 'Atonement' but you get the idea.

For the past few days News has been rife with news of something I was supposed to have done inside a Hotel Lift in Goa to a fellow employee at Tehelka.

I am writing this letter to you to put forward the facts of that night.I want to set the record straight.

1.) The event in itself can best be described  from many leaked emails and statements as rape , molestation , sexual harassment , sexual assault , sexual misconduct , sexual liason , sexual banter, one sided consensual sex, untoward incident  A LIFT INSPECTIONIt was a lift Inspection I had carried out that day with my young journalist friend. It had nothing to do with any criminal behavior of any kind.

2.) For long I have been worried about the state of India's elevators and LIFTS. More so, because our country's state of load bearing hydraulics and weight hoisting machinery from one floor to another has been very problematic.

3.) The problem of dangerous lifts was brought to my attention by well known singer and frequent Visa applicant, Adnan Sami who very beautifully annotated in his song 'Lift Kara de' the issue of weak and potentially fatal lifts.

4.) On the day of the incident I was merely doing a lift inspection, I had even hooked up one of my famous Tehelka sting operation cameras into the lift CCTV so that I could do a sting operation on the Hotel where I was staying. Unfortunately I found out much later that the lift had no CCTV in the first place.This was my sheer bad luck.

5.) I want to tell you categorically since you are the only person on this planet whose authority overrules even that of Arnab Goswami, The Supreme Court and The US President...combined, that I DID NOT RAPE THAT GIRL!

6.) It Was Completely Her Fault! She not only wore sexy clothes but also ate Chowmein and used fancy mobile phones - all of which have been comprehensively proven to cause rape according to Khap Panchayats. She was showing me pictures of Chowmein on her mobile phone in an attempt to titillate me!

7.) Despite such brazen provocations I did not get affected and continued to inspect the lift for faulty wiring,structural flaws,etc. It just so happened that this wiring happened to be in the girl's clothes and on her body.

8.) This is a political conspiracy to stop India from providing world class lifts to its citizens. The Congress and the BJP have once too often engaged in corruption and swallowed the funds meant for lift construction. These political parties want common people of India to be stuck in a tyranny of stair climbing while fat netas from their own parties continue to get LIFTED to higher levels.

9.) Tehelka has always stood for Strong and fair journalism. I am confident that despite my atonement they will reach higher levels...literally,because I have told Shoma to put more lifts in the Tehelka office building.Thus we will break our dependence on the laceration caused to our feet  by walking and climbing stairs.


In Conclusion - I Did Not Rape That Girl. IT WAS A LIFT INSPECTION - I REITERATE

Journalist and Lift Inspector,
Tarun Tejpal

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Tarun Tejpal to start National Commission for Men(NCM) to protect Men from Women

Prominent journalist, well known writer and recent molester Tarun Tejpal today said that he will form a National Commission for Men or NCM to safeguard and protect the rights of men everywhere in India.

Tejpal who is currently on a 6 month vacation spoke to The J Times from an undisclosed location and disclosed angrily 'Look,I am very unhappy with the way Men are being treated in this country ...especially by women. There is no one to uphold the sanctity of men anywhere in this country.Indian Men have been oppressed for far too long and this is why I am going to form a body for men,by men and of men'

Speaking further,he added ' I have already invited Actor Shakti Kapoor to be our President.He is an inspiration and a role model whose  fight for men's rights on the silver screen has been unparalleled.  He should have been awarded the inaugural Bollywood Centenary award but it was awarded instead to Waheeda Rehman,a woman. Yet another case of men being discriminated against.Furthermore,I have also extended invitations to former iGate and Infosys sexual harassment victim Phaneesh Murthy and actor Shiney Ahuja. I am also delighted to inform you that Godman Asaram and his  son Narayan Sai whose attempts at bringing Religion and Molestation together have been absolutely iconic, will also be joining the NCM'

'We have also approached CBI Director Ranjit Sinha to be our first CEO,his experience in law enforcement  and criminality is unmatched in the annals of India.His recent statement which implied that rape which cannot be stopped might as well be enjoyed proves that his dedication to men's safety issues is serious.' he insisted.

Tejpal continuing to address the issue of men's rights accused the National Commission for Women or NCW of being 'sexist' and completely 'feminist' .He said ' How can a body that is supposed to achieve Gender equality be only bothered about one gender  namely Women? How?! It is absurd and ludicrous. There is not a single Man on the National Commission for Women.How can this be? I plan to introduce a bill in Parliament called the Men's Reservation Bill, which will compulsorily provide Men with 33% reservation in the NCW.'

When asked about the specific case of Mens rights abuse,Tejpal shouted ' Look at Mallika Sherawat! She recently terrorized so many men on a TV show. She made them perform one demeaning task after another and treated them violently in an effort to achieve married status.Is this not a case of pre-meditative dowry harassment? '

Lastly, he added ' One of our members is a very aspiring,hard working Knife and  Machete salesman.'

'When he tried to sell a steel machete to a woman in a Bangalore ATM recently,he was accused of assault!Yet another case of Men being harassed by Women. What nonsense is this?! It is to avoid and fight things like this only that I am going to start the NCM.'
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