Note To Vivek Oberoi: Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Get Your Head Out Of Your Ass

Dear Vivek Oberoi,

Life is all about making choices.

Take this letter for instance. I made a conscious choice to write it. The last time I wrote a letter was when Himesh Reshammiya had to be enlightened about his desperate lack of acting talent.

Now why would I want to take the trouble of writing something to you?

The reason is your latest film ‘PRINCE’ .To be technically correct ‘PRINCE – ITS SHOWTIME’.

First of all let me congratulate your producer on having the intellectual capacity to not add a kooky subtitle in an attempt to make it ‘hip’ and ‘happening’. Something like ‘Prince – The Yuvraaj’ or ‘Prince – The Raja’ or ‘Prince – Ek Chota Rajputra Ki Badi Kahani’.

You know that Provogue, which is a company I hold a huge stake in, is the ‘Fashion Partner’ for this film. The term ‘Fashion Partner’ does not indicate that the good people at Provogue designed your wardrobe for this film. It merely means that the science of marketing allows famous brands like Provogue to associate with movies like Prince.

Moreover I told Provogue to associate with Prince so that the clothes or the lack of clothes would be on display on the 3 hot babes who act with you in this film. You merely tagged along for the ride, in consumer business terminology Provogue marketing itself with Prince is a case of ‘Buy 3, Get 1 Free’.

Now, because of my stake holding in Provogue and its subsequent ‘fashion partnership’ with ‘Prince – Its Showtime’ I received like I usually do complimentary passes for the screening of Prince (Its Showtime).

So I saw your film Prince and let me say that I shall forever remember it as the most disturbing incident of my life. In fact I was so irritated after watching your film that I sold my entire stake in Mid Day Multimedia just to vent my frustrations.

Marwaris like me don’t like it when anything is wasted including their time. You owe me the three hours of my life that I spent watching your movie you little PIPSQUEAK JABRONI REDNECKED TWAT.

First of all who the hell names a movie ‘Prince’… huh?

IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD PRINCE IS A DOG’S NAME. That’s right, dogs are called Prince. This is a photo of my Watchman’s dog Prince:

As of right now, poor Prince (My Watchman’s Dog) is lying in the Intensive Care Unit of a Veterinary Hospital after he sustained serious injuries which he received after trying to commit suicide upon watching the first 30 minutes of your film.

And to top this, the director of your film is named ‘KOOKIE’. That’s right.

Wait for it…..

Wait for it…..

KOOKIE.

I’ll say it again – KOOKIE.

Kookie sounds like Cookie, The biscuit.

So we’ve got a dog name inspired film called PRINCE, directed by a biscuit name inspired KOOKIE.

Why don’t you and KOOKIE just get a loan and start a factory to manufacture Dog Biscuits?

INSTEAD OF SPENDING 50 CRORES TO MAKE A LAME AS HELL BORE FEST OF A DENGUE PLAGUE RIDDEN EXERCISE IN FILM MAKING WHICH HAS RESULTED IN A NOMINEE WINNER FOR THE ‘SHIT FILM OF THE DECADE’ AWARD.

Let me put this in perspective for you which brings us back to the importance of choice.

Half hacks with crap talent make damned films like Prince .Guys like you make poor choices by jumping upon the very first offer that comes your way be it Prince or Princess.

You spend a shitload of money and charge up to 200 rupees for a ticket that is supposed to be a gateway for recreation but becomes a VAT and Entertainment Tax Ridden Liability.

And when your ticket makes you witness an epic suckfest like Prince…..people get pissed off.

And with YOU it seems to have become a recurring epidemic of poor choices. You remember KISNA don’t you which was yet another Diarrhea Ridden Nauseating Piece Of Garbage that vaulted from the mind of Subhash Ghai?

Or more recently, Kurbaan .Another film in which Vivek Oberoi drove people’s spirits out of their bodies so much that watching a nonstop 72,000 hour marathon telecast of Balika Vadhu and Godh Bharai would have provided more pleasure to someone who had the misfortune of seeing KURBAAN.

AND NOW WITH PRINCE, YOU HAVE REACHED A WHOLE NEW UNSEEN LEVEL OF SUCKING. I MUST CONGRATULATE YOU AND KOOKIE AND BEING THE PIONEERS IN ACHIEVING A THRESHOLD OF SUCKING PEOPLE NEVER EVEN KNEW EXISTED.

Your director thinks that everyone on this planet is just as uber retarded as he is . Apparently any film in this country can be built on the lead character having a memory problem and any woman who acts in a film has the sole purpose of displaying a massive amount of cleavage.

Jiggly Boobs + 2 Piece Bikinis + Smooching + Memory Loss + Jumping Off Buildings = Prince.

And WHAT THE FU*K is up with you wearing so much leather in Prince, huh?

Its time you were told that leather looks good on girls not on guys. Shiny body hugging leather was created so that guys would be able to appreciate the gorgeous curves on a babe.

If You Put The Same Body Hugging Leather On A Dude then that Dude Looks Gay. Gay, Gay, Gay and more Gay.

Were You Trying To Make An Action Film Or A Homo Erotic S&M Gay Porn Orgy?

There was a time when this country made the greatest films on the planet. People like Gurudutt, Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Bimal Roy, Satyajit Ray, even Yash Chopra and many many more Kicked Ass every Friday on the Box Office.

But your friend KOOKIE is more interested in making you look COOL.

COOL is something Vivek Oberoi cannot do. It would be easier to make India’s Labor Minister Mallikarjun Kharge look cool,

or even Vikram Chandra from NDTV look cool ,

BUT making you look cool is an impossible task.So please, stop trying to be cool and just focus on acting, GOD DAMN IT.

YOU ARE COOLNESS IMPAIRED. On the odd occasion even someone deficient in the ‘COOL’ department like Sunil Shetty can be made to look massively cool like in the smash hit coolness personified song ‘SHEHER KI LADKI’ from the film ‘RAKSHAK’. Now this is COOL.

Just to repeat- you are not COOL and dressing up in leather, acting in films named after dogs, directed by biscuits make you a FOOL .

NOT COOL . FOOL .

Moreover you thought that wearing a metal bracket on your arm would make you a super cool thief then once again you are wrong because you don’t look cool.

You look like a DIMWIT CONDENSED VERSION OF THE POWER RANGERS as if a sudden Income Tax RAID scared the bajeezus out of your sleep and jumping out of bed all you could take was the arm guard which looks like a SAWED OFF METALPIPE SUPERGLUED TO YOUR ARM.

IN FACT THE ENTIRE STAR CAST OF PRINCE WOULD GET THEIR ASSES WHIPPED BY THE KINDERGARTEN POWER RANGERS.THAT’S HOW ULTRA LAME AND MORONIC YOU AND THE OTHER TOTS IN THIS CLUSTERFU*K OF A FILM ACTUALLY ARE.

In fact when it comes to being entertaining I remember the fantastic entertainment you provided in years past especially the time when you called a press conference to tell the whole world that Salman Khan was a Rank One Asshole.

That was easily your greatest work as an actor, unintentional as it may be. We should ask your producer to release those collected mental escapades of your feud with Salman Khan AND at least have that press conference Immortalized on DVD, IN BLU RAY and HIGH DEF.

I mean I will always remember you as the guy who attracted the attention of one Aishwarya Rai and drove her to the height of outstanding boredom with your ‘COOL’ charms.

You just made it so damn easy for Abhishek Bachchan!! I know Abhishek’s a good guy but at least you should have presented him a challenge to obtain Aishwarya.

We are talking about Aishwarya Rai,the second most beautiful woman on the planet (the most beautiful woman being my wife).Instead, you just bored the hell out of her, drove her to the point of redundant lunacy and just dropped her into the waiting arms of Abhishek Bachchan.

Now Abhishek is saving all the trees of the world with his IDEA mobile ad campaign and you’re here doing films like Prince.

Choices.

What’s up with doing wheelies man? I know that smooching a hot chick is fun but there is a time and place for everything. If you’re busy sucking her lips while doing a wheelie on your bike then who’s going to keep their eyes on the road?

It is because of guys like you that the youth of India try impish stunts on their bikes without helmets as you demonstrate in Prince leading to road injuries and a life of wheel chair confinement.

Choices My Friend, Choices.

IF YOU CONTINUE TO APPLY YOUR ACTING SKILLS NO MATTER HOW LIMITED THEY ARE IN THE FIRST PLACE IN LETHARGIC OVERRATED NONSENSE INFESTED PARASITIC MEGA ESSAYS OF STUPIDITY AND PSEUDO COOLNESS WITH LOTS OF LEATHER LIKE PRINCE THEN YOUR CAREER IN A FEW YEARS IS GOING TO BE REDUCED TO SPOTS ON REALITY SHOWS LIKE BIGG BOSS.

Think about it. Make the right choice in films because if you don’t get your head out of your ASS immediately then pretty soon you’ll be wearing your intestines as skull caps and face masks.

If you do want to look cool then the coolest individual you can look up to is none other than ME.

Take a look at this video from CNBC’s Wealth Creators Show. Now I’m Cool. Leave Princes aside. This is how The Emperor Rolls. Surrounded by babes like Mitali Mukherjee promoting my massive intelligence and of course my God given SEXY figure.

Just take a look at the video dude and you will learn what COOL actually looks like.

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

Born Cool, Gets Cooler Everyday And Makes Great Choices Picking Stocks.

LADYKILLER

In the winter of 2009, one man undertook a mission that everyone else considered to be near impossible. Those who had tried before him were left broken, disfigured and mentally scarred to a point where they were regarded only as mere infants. It was a task which required the one who tried to perform it to bear immense activity, torture, ridicule, scrutiny and a threat to one’s own life.

So monumental was the task that few felt only God could perform it. But no matter how difficult it was ,it still had to be done.

From the shadows emerged a Hero on his Stallion, brazen sword in hand ready to destroy all enemies and lead his tribe back into the light. At the forefront of world politics, the World’s largest democracy was in disarray. Its principal opposition party known as the BJP (Bharatiya Janata Party) was crumbling.

Left unchecked it would soon disappear and the nation of a Billion (No, Not China) would fall solely into the hands of the one enemy of the BJP called ‘MADAMJI’ or worse still that atrocity of a political farce, draped in red from head to toe, the monster which hunted with hammer and sickle known as the Communist Party.

To check the spread of evil at a time when India was in chaos. He arrived, sent from the future to lead the BJP and spread the Saffron all over India and one day ,the World.

This Is The Story Of That One Man, His Immense Charisma, Hero And His Ginormous Lady Entrapment Skills.

THIS IS THE STORY OF NITIN GADKARI.

THE LADYKILLER.

BIRTH: Nitin Gadkari was born on 27 May, 1957.His entry into the world of mortals had been prophesized for more than a quarter of a century. Astrologers the world over had proclaimed that such a one as this would indeed be born. One with the strength of a RHINOCEROS, the charisma of a TALKING PARROT, the eyes of a HAWK and most importantly the magnetism of a PEACOCK.

Women the world over were destined to fall to his charms, they would swoon at his mere look, fall for that deadly swagger and drool over that body which put many a Greek God to shame.

He was born in a small ward at a local Government Hospital in Nagpur on that fateful night in May 1957.

Thunderstorms raged, wolves howled and the moon shone as bright as the sun. Cars and scooters stopped. Buses screeched to a halt. As he bawled out of his mother’s womb, Nagpur came to a standstill.

The just born Nitin’s powers were so immense that he was able to simultaneously give every female nurse and doctor in that hospital MULTIPLE ORGASMS simply by crying.

Such was his power.

The gynecologist who delivered him immediately realized that this was someone supremely special. Dr. Anant Telengana Doordarshan Colgate *

(* name changed to protect privacy) respectfully christened the just born Nitin Gadkari as LADYKILLER.

Since that day Nitin Gadkari came to be known as THE LADYKILLER.

EARLY DEVELOPMENT: LADYKILLER Nitin was a precocious child. His parents had a very difficult time controlling him as he played on the streets of Nagpur. Still unaware of his powers; Nitin was unable to understand why young teenage girls around him suffered from electric shocks and salivated at the very sight of him. LADYKILLER was becoming stronger everyday and his powers of attraction were reaching an all new level.

COLLEGE AND FORMAL EDUCATION: Fresh out of school, Gadkari entered college. On the day that he took his college admission form, LADYKILLER gave all the female staff of the college ‘STRANGE UNDERGROUND SENSATIONS’. Each of their uterine walls skipped a beat as LADYKILLER walked through the campus. Litres of female hormones surged through their systems.The Progesterone build up led to all the women wanting to simultaneously mother LADYKILLER and call him ‘BETA’ or ‘SON’.

But Nitin studied hard and graduated in Commerce and Law.

However he did gain the reputation of being a ‘PLAYER’ or a ‘PLAYA’ in college.

As he chilled with his ‘ICED OUT HOMIES’ ,rumors gathered that LADYKILLER partied all night. He was ‘BLINGED UP’ from head to toe and he only traveled in cars which were totally ‘PIMPED OUT’ with ‘HOT MAMA’S RIDING IN THE BACK’.

He wore 24 carat diamond rings and each of his rings wore their own 24 carat diamond rings. His teeth were also embedded with diamonds. ‘THEM GRILLZ’ shone bright and Gadkari made Nagpur the heart of the ‘FIZZLE’ and ‘DRIZZLE’ and some ‘PIZZLE’. The City of Oranges had the SIZZLE all because of LADYKILLER.

He would party all the time and ‘GET BUSY’ with the ladies. They screamed out his name as the PLAYA played the game.

Smooth as fine wine, LADYKILLER would ‘HIT THAT’ as he ‘POPPED THAT THANG’ and ‘DID THAT SHITZZ WITH THEM BITCHES AND HOES’.

On a student exchange trip LADYKILLER went to the United States of America. As he walked Through Los Angeles, Hollywood went GAGA over his stunning boyish handsome looks.

His smile lightened and brightened all of the United States. Movie producers lined up outside his college hostel in an attempt to sign the LADYKILLER.

But LADYKILLER was not interested, he told them to get lost and they did. Till today no one has found them.

RETURN TO INDIA, MEETING WITH THE GRAND PROPHET: Back from the States , LADYKILLER soon graduated and completed his formal education. The college was sad to see him go. The ladies were heartbroken. As he waved goodbye to them, women unable to bear the grief of separation killed themselves by jumping of the nearest cliff. A memorial stands to this day at that very spot where thousands of women jumped to their end unable to experience the ‘VIBRATIONS’

that had made Gadkari the LADYKILLER.

As a fresh out of college Gadkari pondered about his future. A hallowed figure approached him.

It was none other than the great right winged prophet of the ages. Mohan Bhagwat, the Chief of the RSS. Because his face resembled that of a masculine Walrus, he was popularly called WALRUS FACE BHAGWAT.

Walrus Face Bhagwat took the young Gadkari under his wing flipper and taught him the ancient ways of LADYKILLER YOGA.

In a few months, Gadkari was able to fully master his control of the senses. He had unleashed the true power of what it meant to be the LADYKILLER.

Then on, Gadkari partied like a Rock Star. He enjoyed the Mile High Club and spent weekends smoking Cubans, Sipping Champagne, High Rolling Casinos and Hot Tubbing in his Yachts and the women as usual could not contain themselves.

PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT: Finding employment in the RSS thanks to the guidance of the WALRUS FACE, Gadkari also multitasked as a student leader of the BJP.This was also the time when Gadkari went from being a sex symbol in Nagpur to a national and later a global epitome of masculinity, a flamboyant Ox of a man with huge pulsating shoulders ready to make women ‘COME’ simply by saying “COME BABY”.

As he marched through the dusty streets of India recruiting Svayamsevaks and Karyakartas for the RSS, women young and old thronged for miles around him chanting the heavenly chorus of his name.

‘GADKARI, GADKARI’ screamed ladies of all ages, pre-pubescent girls to grandmothers drooling from their dentures.

There was simply no end. It was like he was in heat all the time, even though he was a guy. He was scorching hot and the girls loved him for it.

He even attracted females of other species.

Women flashed him almost every minute of the day. Even when he made a passionate speech, women lined up, lifted their tops and revealed what lay beneath.

By the time he was thirty five, Gadkari had seen more TITS than any other person in the world, even the most well known silicon plastic surgeon in the heart of California had not observed such a magnificent array of female mammary glands. Undoubtedly, the LADYKILLER had affected the biggest attack of mass ‘BOOBAGE’ on the planet and he alone was able to bear the tremendous impact of such mighty power! Hallelujah! Oh Glorious day!

SENIOR FELLOW: As the legend of Gadkari became well known, he soon became a media darling. By now Gadkari was said to be ‘HITTING THAT’ and ‘GETTING SOME’ on a 24/7 basis.

Every female anchor from India, be it a Nidhi Razdan, Barkha Dutt, an Anubha Bhonsle or a Shereen Bahn were simply enthralled at the fine flaming juice that poured forth from the sweat glands of the LADYKILLER and intoxicated their brittle female nostrils. They pleaded with him for interviews and he charmingly obliged. For them each interview was a slice of the longest most sensual experience they had ever come across or ever would.

It was only a matter of time before Gadkari would act in films. Hollywood and Bollywood combined to bring the essence of Gadkari, the LADYKILLER onto the big screen. Nitin Gadkari Starred In And As The LADYKILLER In The Film: LADYKILLER.

Needless to say it went on to become the most watched film of its generation.

STATESMAN: Knowing that his future lay in the Legislative Council of Maharashtra and not the ordinary world of cinema. Gadkari made no more films after ‘LADYKILLER’ .Instead he concentrated even more intensely on his political career balancing his RSS ideals with the BJP’s ambitions and his duty as the Public Works Department Minister of Maharashtra with obvious ease.

He initiated the single largest road building program in India. Women the world over used these very roads to travel and catch a single glimpse of the LADYKILLER.

Such was his prowess that his MUSK was deemed to be more potent than the venom of a Cobra or the musk of a Bull Elephant.

Gadkari also judged Beauty Pageants and Wet T-shirt Contests. Young belles lined up in see through, wet apparel as the LADYKILLER judged their assets. A single gaze from him sent the girls into a massive coma. Some went mad and others simply died of cardiac arrest.

He partied like a Rockstar and was surrounded by Hordes of Groupies. He would ‘STAY FLY’ and be ‘BALLIN’.Not only was he 'FLY', but he also got plenty of 'ASS' as they all lined up for him swinging their 'BOOTY'.

He was not called LADYKILLER for nothing. The song ‘AANKH MAARE’ from the film ‘TERE MERE SAPNE’ is said to be inspired by the HYPNOTIC WINKING ABILITY of Gadkari.

Legend has it that the 2004 Tsunami was caused when Gadkari winked an eye at the Indian Ocean and all the female fish were driven to the point of immense MULTIPLE ORGASMS so much so that their pulsating tremors created the MASSIVE TIDAL WAVE.

THE FRONTLINE: Gadkari was by this time the most popular leader in the world. Everyone from Priyanka, Bipasha, Katrina, Kareena, Julia, Angelina and Mayawati wanted him .They wanted to taste the blissful ecstasy that tasted even sweeter than Ambrosia from the very pores of the insatiable LADYKILLER.

As he strode in his RSS Khaki shorts, tons of hyperventilating women were admitted in hospital .Their very bones had cracked at the sheer magnificence of Gadkari’s Oak like thighs as they protruded from the bold khaki shorts.

As he ‘CLEANED UP’ and ‘LOOKED SHARP’, those gleaming elephantine thighs combined with the swagger only he produced in the way he ‘POPPED’ those hips, the women were again driven to the point of sheer unbridled exaltation!! The very sight of his Thighs and hips made them forget life itself!

Such was the popularity of those legendary,chunky,thighs of Gadkari that many a mother hung a Framed Photograph with arrows pointing specifically to those thighs.The photo itself was said to have magical powers.Any infertile women would get pregnant if she stared at those juicy,hulky,stud bearing titanic pillars of the toughest man hide, said to be crafted by God Himself.

So iconic were his thighs that many a cartoonist caricatured those fabulous pieces of meat on the Saffron Lotus of the BJP.

LEADER: Finally His time had come. After years of being the Star Performer in the team it was now his turn to be the Captain of the Team. In the December of 2009, LADYKILLER was appointed the President of the BJP with due blessings of the Walrus Face. His fellow compatriot Sushma Swaraj nearly died of severe immediate Asthma unable to bear the joy as she realized she would be in the same room as him.

What a long journey it was for the LADYKILLER and now it continues. The BJP needed him and he was there but could he lead them to victory in the General Elections? He was definitely assured of the female vote but could he get everyone else to vote for him and the lotus? Could he save them…..?

LADYKILLER.