Thursday, November 5, 2009

Note To Himesh Reshammiya :You Are Not A Hero

Dear Himesh Reshammiya,

Consider this message as your personal mid life call to action. Call it a ‘divine intervention’ or a ‘moment that changes your life’. Years later when you write an autobiography, the ten people who read it will eulogize this moment as the highlight of your life which delivered you out of the crisis you are currently facing.

Let me tell you that there is no need to thank me for taking a personal interest in your life and professional career. I,Rakesh Jhunjhunwala will tell you right now that the only reason I am even talking to a tomato sucking, bottle collecting, gel wearing snot nose pinhead which is you by the way Himesh, is because one of the companies in which I have a huge investment namely the Hungama Group promotes your music and other activities all over the internet and people’s mobile phones.

I didn’t have to tell you this but because there is such a thing as a Securities Exchange Board of India (SEBI) disclosure notice that I am telling you. Not that I am bound by SEBI’s orders but it’s the principle which one must respect just like Barack Obama who said that he did not deserve a Nobel Prize but accepted it anyway out of respect to the principle.

I don’t understand what your problem is. Maybe you simply have too much time to spare and don’t know what to do. Maybe composing music and singing which is what music composers do bores you or something like that.

But the solution to these problems is NOT to go ahead and act in Hindi films, especially NOT as a HERO. If you have a lot of time to spare then I suggest you join a Drawing Class or something like that instead of living under the false impression that you are an actor capable of passing of as a movie hero.

You are a music composer, so please compose music. Don’t go venturing out into the world of cinema by assuming that you are a movie hero.

Your latest film ‘RADIO’ is set to release in December.

I don’t understand the reason why someone would waste crores of rupees on a non-hero like you but I guess wanting to make flop movies indulging you and the four people who ‘appreciate’ your acting ability is an important priority for your producer.

To make things more interesting your producer has also cast Shenaz Treasurywala,a former Mtv VJ who is one among many in the long illustrious list of actresses who cannot speak Hindi but yet find employment in Hindi films thanks to people like your film producer.

I am sure that the 14 members of your fan club are eagerly waiting with bated breath for the release of ‘Radio’. With your fantastic acting skills and Ms. Treasurywala’s Hindi lines dubbed over her own impish smile which looks like it was glued to her face, your film's financiers would be feeling pretty confident about it’s chances.

I cannot wait for the term ‘Running Successfully Worldwide’ plastered over trailers of your film 2 hours after it has released.

Now you might convince a few people that you are a Rock Star but considering the fact that the only rocking you do is in your living room rocking chair, I find your rock starish-ness very irritating.

So please make hit music like you usually do, even if most of your songs come out of your nose covered in phlegm, people across the world like them including me.

Instead you want to act in films with extra R’s like Aap Ka Surroor (The Real Moviee-The Real Luv Story)

And extra Z’s like Karzzzz,

And now for the promotion of your newest film RADIO you make a music video.

Which might I add is directly ripped off ‘inspired’ by a Savage Garden video.

Now you are feeling bored because you spend two months of the year judging reality TV show Sa Re Ga Ma Pa with another distinguished plagiarist inspired composer Pritam.

Maybe I can help you. I’ll get you into the Bigg Boss house like fellow music composer Ismail Durbar but since he’s already there this year, you can get in only next year. This way you can be locked up away from society thereby reducing any and all chances of your acting in Hindi films at least for three to four months.

Considering the fact that you sometimes like to cross dress and act like a total sidee, I am sure people will flock to watch your antics in the Bigg Boss house.

There are always other options for you, but acting is definitely not one of them.

Maybe you feel that as far as acting goes you are ready. No let me categorically tell you that you are NOT ready. You are not even REDDY.If you were Reddy or Reddy’s brother who is another Reddy then maybe you could enter Karnataka politics but you are not Reddy and neither is Yeddy.

Maybe you want to be like me but I am a legendary investor who invests in Small Caps, Mid Caps and Large Caps.

You on the other hand cannot be like me because you only wear Small Caps,

Mid Caps,

And Large Caps.

Maybe you feel acting is your chance to embrace your wild side. Once again this is not so, you are a bad actor who will with time become a worse actor.

If you want to be wild then try to become the man who has two Abdullah’s in his name, THE DOUBLE ABDULLAH himself - Abdullah Abdullah. He’s so wild that he pulled out of the election to be the President of Afghanistan. Now that’s wild!

You can even try and be Farooq Abdullah who comes from Kashmir. He’s so wild that he feels not playing cricket in Kashmir is the worst thing in the world compared to all the terrorist activities over there. Once again that’s wild!

So to embrace your wild side acting is not the answer, it is necessary to be an Abdullah, because on Planet Earth the Abdullahs are running wild!

The best way to spend your spare time is to join politics. It’s also very lucrative. Ask Madhu Koda, the guy has 2400 crores but it is important to be healthy. If you catch a stomach infection then being a politician is difficult.

In the off chance that you say that you can at least act in South Indian cinema then let me tell you right now that you can never be a South Indian actor unless you can do something as super spectacular mind blowingly cool as this:

Not even The Terminator’s father can become a South Indian hero let alone a high flying rock star wannabe such as yourself.

Moreover you are not of the right body shape and don’t have a moustache to be a South Indian Hero. But this guy can easily be a South Indian Hero.

In fact he can be a hero in any film South Indian, Pan Indian or Worldwide. So take my advice – you are not a hero like him, so stop trying to become one.

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

Universal Super Hero.

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