Vote 2009 :FAQ User Guide

A wise man once said “Awards Are Not Important In Life, What’s Important Is The Smile On People’s Faces When They Realize That They Get Free Stickers With Every Packet Of Biscuits They Buy”. So I found out where this wise man lived and knocked on his door..... he opened it.

I went on to systematically whoop his Ass. I gave him the Uttar Pradesh Police treatment combined with the RR Patil 3:16 treatment. That wise man has no award but he does lie in a ward in a well equipped government hospital.

The point is if somebody wants to give you an award and is willing to throw a huge party in a five star hotel, invite the media ,have eminent journalists editorialize your awesomeness in magazines ,have people give you standing ovations, hand bursting claps,tapori whistles and are also willing to invite Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor so that they can talk about the private nature of their relationship while giving you your award then you must use the occasion to remind everyone that their collective greatness is not equal to a single shred of your superiority.

Now look at my face:

As someone who has won the Bombay Stock Exchange ‘Equity Investor Of The Year’ award for the last 18 years in a row and the National Stock Exchange 'World Investor Of The Year' for the last five years in a row I am qualified to say that awards when accompanied by a cash prize allow you to buy more shares in Indian companies.

I have been informed that I have been nominated for the Indian blog awards a.k.a the Indibloggies .

The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has been nominated in two categories:

1. Most Humorous Indiblog

2. Best Personal Indiblog

I know what you’re thinking. The nominations are in the wrong categories.

Till today I swear I have never said even one funny thing, so how can my Secret Journal be nominated for ‘Most Humorous Indiblog’? It would have been right if the Secret Journal were nominated in the ‘MOST TUMOROUS INDIBLOG’ category considering the fact that there are documented cases of people receiving tumors after reading my complex thoughts.

But the second nomination in ‘Best Personal Indiblog’ is justified because of my super sexy awesome personality.

But I would have preferred to be nominated in ‘BEST FOOD INDIBLOG’ because I eat a lot of food. Also my recipes to make money are world renowned and highly acclaimed.

I should have also been nominated in BEST PHOTO INDIBLOG. Where else will you get to see photos like this?; where I’m now on Mount Rushmore except on The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala?

The Indibloggies are awarded to blogs which receive the maximum number of votes. So if you want me to win then you should head on over to this link and cast your vote:

http://multivote.sparklit.com/web_poll.spark/21900

But if you still have questions then read this FAQ section consisting of personalized questions compiled by the team at R^RE enterprises.

Q.) Hello Sirji, myself item number expert Yana Gupta.Why are the Indibloggies for 2008 being given towards the end of 2009?

A.)These awards run according to Indian Standard Time. Being a Czechoslovakian import you will not understand. In fact last year’s awards show is too early. They should not be held this year. They should be held next year or the year after that. Justice Liberhan of the Babri Masjid report says the awards for 2008 should be held after 17 years i.e. in 2025.

Q.)Will you stop forcing me to post horribly obscene pictures like this on the Secret Journal if you win?

--The guy who makes pictures for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

A.)My answer is ‘YES’ until December 10^th which is the last day until which you can vote. The polls close after that so if you ask me this question after December 10^th then my answer is “No, I will fire your ass if you ask me this question again and strip you of your pension + LIC insurance policy.”

Q.)I’m a busy man, I want to vote for you but I don’t want to fill out some greasy registration form with all my address/phone number details, etc for my vote. I’m scared that if I fill out unnecessary details then the Income Tax department will get to know about me and will therefore raid me.

--D. Napoleon, Minister of State, Social Justice and Empowerment, Government of India

A.)No details are needed.You only need a valid e-mail address to confirm your vote ,that’s all.

Q.)I don’t even like you, should I vote for you even then?

--Shankar Sharma, De Facto Leader – Indian Bear Cartel/Constant Irritation Provider

A.)Yes, your vote even if you don’t like me is valid. However, the fact that you don’t like me means that there is something wrong with you. I’m an extremely likeable person. You should get your head examined by a psychiatrist immediately. Please don’t delay, I worry about your health. Why don’t you go to ‘Psycho Clinic’?

Q.) As a student of Madhu Koda I am interested in doing scam. Can I vote for you with different email ID’s?

A.)Yes!! That’s the spirit. Vote for me many times from as many e-mail id’s .From now until December 10^th you should dedicate your life towards creating as many e-mail id’s as possible and using them to vote for me .Some sites which provide free e-mail services are Gmail, Yahoo, Indiatimes & Rediff.

Q.)What are some of the things you will say if you perhaps don’t win the Indibloggies?

-- Arabinda Rajkhowa, Chairman, United Liberation Front of Assam (ULFA)

A.)In the off chance that I don’t win then some of the things I will say are:

• “The Bear Cartel is trying once again to mess with me.”

• “I allege a conspiracy with help from a foreign hand.”

• “I have reports that the Electronic Voting Machines were tampered with, I demand a transparent enquiry into the matter by the foremost Police authority in India- the Aarushi Talwar murder investigators, NOIDA Police”.

• “The media portrayed me in a negative light; the media should be banned immediately. If not I will hire the Shiv Sena to break Their TV studios.”

• “This is a case of prejudice against minorities. I am someone who has a lot of money thus I am in a minority community in India. My attempt to win the Indibloggies has been stifled by the majority, that’s those who don’t have as much money as me so I demand intervention by the Central Minorities Commission of India.”

• “I will appeal this verdict in the Honorable Supreme Court Of India.”

• “A report in The Jhunjhunwala Times has reported irregularities and fraud in the election process. The CBI should investigate the matter immediately.”

• “It was Jaswant Singh’s fault, his book on Jinnah spoiled my chances of winning the Indibloggies.”

• “There was no 'Critics Choice' category.The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala was also ignored in surefire winner categories such as Best Sound Editing, Best Production Design and Best Background Music.”

I could simply buy out the Indibloggies and win every award in every category. After all my net worth is tremendously more than all the nominees in all the categories – combined.

But then again Democracy – I believe in it. So if you want me to win, vote for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala at the Indibloggies for Most Humorous Indiblog & Best Personal Indiblog :

http://multivote.sparklit.com/web_poll.spark/21900

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala – Also an acclaimed blogger. I

always knew I was going to be nominated at the

Indibloggies. I never doubted it even for a minute.

Because When It Comes To Lathi Charging,No One WHOOPS YOUR ASS Better Than Uttar Pradesh Police

Do you know what chai-pani is?

If you give chai-pani to certain people then your work gets done. For all the educated Harvard types reading this who are wondering what chai-pani is and are currently googling it to find out, I’ll explain it to you.

In common parlance we Indians refer to bribes as chai-pani. It is an institutionalized form of money transfer much better than any system ever created or to be created.Clean, simple, efficient. Everything passed under the table or transferred from Swiss bank accounts while buying Italian and German guns assembled in China, service warranty made in Taiwan and IT support provided by Bangalore and here’s the best thing no stupid service charges or transfer fees, so foreign banks can piss off except Shinsei bank with whom I have a joint venture.

Anyway this is not about chai-pani. It is about Malpani.

Malpani is a doctor; he has a wife who is also a doctor. They are ordinary folk whom I have privileged with my friendship.

Recently they had a party because their daughter won an Oxford fellowship.

I can’t tell you where the party was because it was a private affair but if you want to know then ask one of the many paparazzi who were there .One of them got wind of the fact that I was showing up and when I did show up they clicked my photo. Nishtha was completely unhappy, she wanted to pounce on them and bite them.

I was double angry because all my Van Heusen S-98 white silk shirts had gone for wash so I had to make do with an ordinary blue shirt. Just like I challenged Narayan Murthy I would have challenged these paparazzi to a steel cage match if Nishtha hadn’t already obliterated them by then.

I had already contacted mini-j to find out if this particular paparazzo had any investments, I planned to reduce their market value to zero in addition to cancelling his LIC Life Insurance Policy and getting CB Bhave to pass a SEBI order accusing this fellow of having a hand in the Satyam Scam. Nobody messes with Jhunjhunwala, I will find innovative ways of making your existence even more miserable than that of the fellow who promised to marry Rakhi Sawant.

But my dear wife held me back, she is so good. She just obliged with her 8000 megawatt smile enough to power more villages than all of India’s power companies. But the fact that I was photographed in a blue shirt is appalling.

Also present at the Malpani party was the megastar of blockbuster Marathi film ‘Sawat Majhi Ladki’, Varsha Usgaonkar.

Since the markets are closed on weekends all these activist people show up at my doorstep and annoy me. They keep asking for money whether it’s for global warming, ‘Save The Earthworms Campaign’, ‘Wear Banana Skin Chappals’,and then There’s The Worst Kind – Feminists And Their Never Ending List Of Women’s Causes Like ‘Women Should Be Allowed To Play Video Games’, ‘Allow 33% Reservation For Women In Reality Shows Not Applicable For Khatron Ke Khiladi Which Is 99% Reservation’,

‘Observe National Women’s That Time Of Month Day’, ‘Erect Statue To Highlight Barkha Dutt’s Efforts To Promote The Indian Feminist Movement’, ‘Legalize The Term Male Chauvinist Pig’, ‘Men Should Wax Their Legs To Know What Women Go Through When They Remove Armpit Hair’.

Oh my God! It’s never ending.

One such activist is Mr.Prakash Padukone. Now I know that Mr.Padukone is India’s greatest badminton player and everything but in all seriousness it is not my responsibility to ensure that India wins more medals at the Olympics. It’s the responsibility of the sports minister and the government.

I’ve already said that the international Olympic committee should include more sports in which we Indians excel like pissing.

But Mr.Padukone cornered me at the Malpani party and to get rid of him I told him that I would sponsor his OGQ or Olympic Gold Quest program whose job is to fund talented athletes and help them win gold medals.

However, I told Mr.Padukone that I insist that the UP Police are included under the OGQ Program and that he make efforts to have the sport of ‘LATHI CHARGING’ be included in the 2012 Olympics.

Why? Just read this pamphlet being circulated on the Bombay Stock Exchange:-

‘Dear Mr.Jhunjhunwala,

We the UP Police have heard that you were at the Malpani party where you were troubled by the paparazzi.

But this is not about Malpani; it is about chai-pani.

We request that UP Police be allowed to participate in the 2012 Olympics in disciplines like Chai-Pani Transfer and Lathi Charging.

We are the best Lathi Chargers in the country and must be given quota under the OGQ scheme.

When it comes to lathi charging, there is no one better than the ISO-9079-2009-Section-c recognized, 5 stars rated, and pioneers of the Indian lathi charging movement:

UTTAR PRADESH POLICE.

Just put it like this, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the opposition party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you are in the ruling party WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

If you’re sleeping we’ll come to your house, wake you up and WHOOP YOUR ASS.

No discrimination, man, woman or street dog WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Teacher’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Father’s Day.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS on Mother’s Day.

And on Valentines Day, it’s free for all, WE WILL DEFINITELY WHOOP YOUR ASS.

365 days a year, WE WILL WHOOP YOUR ASS.

We don’t need a reason to WHOOP YOUR ASS.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the morning.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the afternoon.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the evening.

WE’LL WHOOP YOUR ASS in the night.

We’ll do it free because we have a passion for LATHI CHARGING.

Look at this 100% real testimonial:

“My friends and I were planning to steal a post box but Uttar Pradesh police saw me and whooped my ass, now it hurts whenever I go to the toilet ,both frontside and backside, thanks UP POLICE”

And if you send us to the Olympics we can guarantee that we will bring back Gold Medals for India.

Our sponsors might change. What was once MRF

Is now ADIDAS.

But quality is forever.

Because when it comes to Lathi Charging no one WHOOPS YOUR ASS better than Uttar Pradesh Police.

Signed,

Prem Prakash,

DIG Lucknow. ’