Thursday, December 25, 2008

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala - Agony Aunt

The people of the world are living in sad and difficult times. In these times they need someone who can listen to them and provide them advice.As an experienced man of the world and the World’s 1029th Richest man (officially, unofficially #1) I have a responsibility to help people .Ever since my newspaper became famous after the expose on the attack on the TAJ, I’ve decided to write my own agony aunt column in The Jhunjhunwala Times.

Being Chief Editor and Editor-In-Chief of The Jhunjhunwala Times I’ve decided to publish the first agony aunt column after Christmas. It’s going to be another success for me. Please feel free to admire the way I’ve solved people’s problems. It brings tears to my eyes.


Q: Dear sir, I am a Stock Broker who invested in Satyam Computers.Recently the shares of Satyam have plunged and the company has been banned from doing business with the World Bank. Do you think I should sell the stock or hold it for longer?

Answer: Go #@!! Yourself you bloody $#! #@$%$%^ %^%& &%^&.How many times do I need to tell you fellows that I don’t give other Stock Brokers tips. In any case the World Bank like other banks might need a bailout worth $750 Billion Dollars + $800 Billion Dollars. If it does not get that bailout it will go bust in which case it’s a good thing Satyam Computers does not do business with it. Now *^*###%% %# off.

Q: Sirji, my name is Shekhar Tiwari and I’m an MLA from Uttar Pradesh. Just today my men and I beat up an engineer and killed him. My Behenji has decided to send me to jail. Should I comply with her wishes or escape to Pakistan and have the honor of appearing on India’s Wanted List?

A: Dear Shekhar, you are from UP.As Amitabh once said “In UP Germs Are Less Because People Use Lifebuoy” or was it “UP Mein Dum Hain Kyunki Jurm Yahaan Kum Hain”; anyway you should go to jail. You will not be lonely since half the Uttar Pradesh assembly is in jail anyway. Behenji will be impressed that in hard economic times you have cut down on office costs by moving into jail. She will reward you with a cabinet berth when you come out of jail.

Q: First of all I’d like to say ‘Sirji What an Idea Sir Ji’ after listening to your advice to Shekhar Tiwari. Now moving to my own problem I want to know how I can be a part of a boy band like Boyzone or the Backstreet Boys.Your’s truly-Udayan Mukherjee, CNBC TV18.

A: Udayan, to be a part of a boy band you must first learn to dance and not sing .Then you need to find one guy who can actually sing and then act in a music video with him. In the video be sure to dance behind the guy who sings. You can also join the Lashkar E Toiba where you can sing songs on Islamic Jihad but then you will not be part of a BOY BAND but a BOY BANNED.

Q: My name is Harman Baweja and my film Victory is set to release soon. What should I do to make it a hit?

A: Harman, always remember that your greatest hit now and forever will be nailing Priyanka Chopra.

Till next time go watch Ghajini.

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