Thursday, January 1, 2009

Mandatory Awards Show Thing

As a stock broker the only calendar I follow is the Indian Samvat Calendar. According to my calendar we’re in year 2065 .The westerners on the other hand invented a new calendar just to mess with my head. It’s got 365 days out of which 365 are over meaning that we’re in a phenomenon called the New Year.

The New Year is just like the old year except that it’s called the New Year and it’s made up of a different set of numbers as compared to the old year.2008 is the old year and 2009 is the New Year.

Since the New Year is supposed to be a big deal I celebrate it in my own way. My New Year was on the Muhurat trading session of Samvat 2065 when I was also on TV with Udayan Mukherjee and Shankar Sharma, the husband of crazy kung-fu hair lady, Devina Mehra.

In order to tell the world that I can accept a New Year I do a year end special like TV channels. My year end special is an AWARDS SHOW where I invite award winners to my grandfather’s cow shed and distribute awards.

Presenting the live telecast of the Jhunjhunwala Awards for 2008:


Me: Welcome everyone to my grandfather’s cow shed for the 20th Annual Jhunjhunwala Awards.Unlike other award shows which roll out the red carpet, I roll out the blue carpet. Please don’t walk on it; it’s only for display purposes.

Now here are the rules:

I intend to finish this award show in 15 minutes flat so there will be no announcement of the nominees for each category, no background music, and no award music.

No laughing, no hysterical bouts of crying, no biting nails, no looking into the camera. Just sit there and shut up.

I don’t need to hear your lame ass acceptance speeches so just take your award and get lost. If you want to say something keep it short and no more than 30 seconds.

The audience is not allowed to clap or sneeze, that might disturb my grandpa’s cows.

All decisions are made by the judging committee comprising of myself and are final.

Also, there will be no entertainment tonight which means you will not get to see a choreographed dance performed by a Hindi film actress after each award.

Take a look at this year’s specially designed Jhunjhunwala award trophy…

Now let’s begin…..

The first award is for ‘Sportsman Of The Year’. I could have chosen Michael Phelps or that Bolt fellow from Jamaica or even Abhinav Bindra or Virender Sehwag instead I’m giving it to Andrew Symonds from Australia.

Symonds: Thanks mate!

Me:@@@# #@ $ %%& $#% man, I’m not your mate.

Symonds: Sorry, I’m from DOWN UNDER. That’s what we say DOWN UNDER.

Me: Down under what?

Symonds: Uh uh uh ….

Me: TERE MAA KI, take the award and go fishing or something.

Symonds: Did you just call me MONKEY?

Me: Should I remind you about Harbhajan and Monkey Gate?

Symonds: No, no please. I’ll be going now.

Me: The next award is for ‘FIGHT OF THE YEAR’ and it goes for the third successive time to the Ambani Brothers who this year fought for Telecom Companies and Gas.

They’re both not here as they can’t tolerate each other in the same room. Hence I’ll accept this award on their behalf.

The Jhunjhunwala award for ‘TROUBLEMAKER OF THE YEAR’ goes to Raj Thackeray.

Raj: Amitabh Bachchan sucks.

I saved the jobs of 2000 Jet Airways employees, that’s 2000 votes for me in the next election guaranteed. Hold on! Many might be Non Maharashtrians among them. I’m confused……

Marathi Manu’s rule.

I’d like to thank my uncle Bal Thackeray due to whom I’ve learnt innovative ways of setting buses on fire and breaking stuff. Thanks Bala uncle.

I love my dog.

Me:I will now award the award for 'THE BEST LAW ENFORCERS OF THE YEAR' and its surprise, surprise!!! The Noida Police. Here to receive the award on their behalf is Chief Inspector Harpal Singh.

Chief Inspector Harpal Singh: We here at the Noida Police headquarters spend a great deal of time trying to catch dangerous criminals. In 2008 we cracked the infamous Aarushi Talwar murder case. At first we suspected the Talwar’s helper but turns out he was also dead. Then we arrested Aarushi’s father.

But he also didn’t do it. Then we arrested two more guys’.After that we arrested one more guy. None of them were found to be guilty. We were arresting them only for fun. The real killer of Aarushi Talwar is actually Osama Bin Laden but no one knows where he is so the case is therefore closed.

Me: The award for ‘CRICKETER OF THE YEAR’ goes to a NON CRICKETER ---Mr.Lalit Modi for starting the world’s greatest Cricket League called the IPL.

Narendra Modi: The award should go to me. Lalit Modi is the BCCI’s laundry boy but I’m the BJP’s poster boy. I’m the only MODI who deserves an award this year.

Me: But you haven’t done anything this year related to cricket.

Narendra Modi: That’s bullshit .You’ve chosen a secular candidate in Lalit Modi while a communal candidate like me is being ignored. It’s a travesty of justice.

I deserve the cricketer of the year award. After all I got the Nano in Gujarat haven’t I? Many cricketers will drive to Cricket stadiums in the Nano.

Me: You’re right Narendra Bhai, you did steal the Nano from West Bengal and I hate the Communists ruling anywhere in the world. Therefore for stealing from the communists you get the ‘CRICKETER OF THE YEAR’ award.

Narendra Modi: Kem Che Rakesh Bhai. As a fellow Gujarati I knew you’d understand.

Me: The next award is for ‘JACKASS OF THE YEAR’ and it goes resoundingly to Shivraj Patil.

Shivraj: Screw you Jhunjhunwala, stop making fun of me!

Sri Sri Ravishankar: Calm down Patilji, let me teach you the Art of Living. Breathe now.

Me: The next award is for ‘BIG DEAL OF THE YEAR’ and it goes to Barack Obama.

Obama: Thank You All. We need change and change is what we need. It is through change that things change and the changing of things lead to new things which are a product of the old changes. In summation, I’m the new president of the USA and people believed this ‘Change’ crap and voted for me so I really don’t give a shit.

Me: The next award is for ‘BEST BLOOD PRESSURE PATIENT OF THE YEAR’ and it goes to our hon-her-able Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

Manmohan Singh: What a year I’ve had. Nuclear Deal, Communist Problem, Terrorist Problems, Opposition Problems, Cabinet Problems, Antulay Problem, Economic Crisis,Etc,Etc. Thanks to Madamji I’ve survived. Everybody sing Singh Is King (G), Singh Is King (G)….

Me: Our next award is for ‘FILM ACTOR OF THE YEAR’ and it goes to Kamaal R Khan (KRK) for his path breaking performance in Deshdrohi. It was so path breaking that all the paths leading to theatres showing Deshdrohi were broken by everyone jealous of KRK.

I would like to next give the critics choice award for the ‘BEST PRESIDENT OF THE YEAR’ to GEORGE W BUSH who will without doubt be missed by many after he steps down for Obama.

The award for ‘POPULATION EXPANDER OF THE YEAR’ goes to Shah Rukh Khan for his role in the film 'Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi' where he teaches people about love and by falling in love these people will do things that will exponentially increase India’s Population. Condoms will not work therefore this film should have been called 'Rubber Ne Bana Di Jodi'.

Our penultimate award is for ‘PAIN IN THE ASS OF THE YEAR’ and it’s a tie between Shankar Sharma and Anbumani Ramadoss. Since it’s a tie you won’t get a trophy so just take this tie instead.

Finally the biggest award of the night, it’s ‘THE SUPER COOL PERSON OF THE YEAR’ award and it goes to ……oh my god….I can’t believe it. IT’S ME. Everybody please stand up and give me a standing ovation.

I will now make my acceptance speech.

Arindam Chaudhuri: I thought you said no acceptance speeches.

Me: What the bloody hell are you doing here ponytail boy. Go count chickens before they hatch.

Sorry for The interruption ladies and gentlemen.

On behalf of myself I’d like to thank myself, a.k.a Rakesh Jhunjhunwala because without my efforts I wouldn’t have won this award. It is because of people like me that people like me win big awards and thanks to Rakesh Jhunjhunwala the world has learnt or not learnt as the case maybe depending on what they want to learn.

In the biggest economic crisis in a century, I’ve still managed to make money. Am I a genius or what? The answer is YES I AM therefore this award has been rightfully given to the right person.

I now proclaim this award show over, please leave the cow shed. If you’d like to stay please feel free to look at my photo.

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