Monday, January 12, 2009

It's Raju With Free Evidence!!

In 1999 a great man called Devang Patel composed a great song called ‘EH RAJU’. Devang Patel’s powers of foresight are almost legendary. He anticipated that years later the individual called RAMALINGA RAJU would swallow 7000 Crore Rupees inclusive of all taxes. In Devang Patel’s honor, let everyone dance to the song ‘EH RAJU’ now available on T-SERIES cassettes and CDs.

The entire world is surprised that the Satyam scam happened. As a stockbroker I am finally happy that things are back to normal. If once in every five years the country is not rocked by at least 1 corporate or stock market scam then things become abnormal or unmanageable. Therefore thanks to Mr.Raju India is back to normal. Raju’s statue should be placed in a hall of fame along with his peers Harshad Mehta, Ketan Parekh and others because these people make things normal.

One person who makes excellent statues and knows excellent statue makers is Behenji Mayawati. Perhaps, I’ll ask Behenji to make a statue of Raju as well.

Raju is famous not only in India but across the border in Pakistan as well.

Now that Raju and Raju’s brother are in jail, the Pakistanis want to get Raju released. They will be sending their CHIEF EVIDENCE DENIER who also does the job of Foreign Minister, Qureshi to act as the lawyer for Raju.

Qureshi is therefore the Pakistani Foreign Minister with additional responsibility of being CHIEF EVIDENCE DENIER and will now be Raju’s lawyer. This is what I call multitasking. Similar to how I buy 1 stock, short sell another and long sell another all in the same trading session!!!! And more!!!!

The reason the Pakistanis want Raju released is because he is/was the head of an outsourcing firm. The Pakistanis want to outsource some of their terrorist related work to India because the Lashkar and the Jaish E Mohammed have started to charge too much. Raju is a perfect candidate because he is a financial terrorist.

But Qureshi will have a tough time convincing Indian courts of Raju’s innocence.

Therefore he is coming from Pakistan with his own DOSSIER .He got the idea of a dossier when we sent the Pakistani government a dossier of evidence related to the Mumbai terror attacks.

But Qureshi’s dossier is a dossier of COUNTER-EVIDENCE against Raju. One must not forget that Qureshi is Pakistan’s best CHIEF EVIDENCE DENIER.

I happen to have an advanced copy of this dossier, it contains the following guidelines.

  • The Indians will say that Raju is an ISI agent, immediately say that it is a lie. On second thought say it even before they say it.
  • When the Indians say that Raju is guilty because he confessed to everything in his letter, say that the letter is not ‘CREDIBLE EVIDENCE’.
  • Tell the Indians that the only Raju who is guilty and deserves to be punished is Raju Shrivastav from ‘The Great Indian Laughter Challenge’ because his jokes make Navjot Singh Sidhu laugh which in turn causes high blood pressure in many Pakistanis.
  • When the Indians say that Raju broke down and confessed to everything in the interrogation, say that the confession is not ‘Tangible Evidence’.
  • When the Indians point out to the fact that Raju manipulated Satyam’s accounts, say that the accounts don’t provide ‘Actionable Evidence’.
  • When the Indians point out to Raju trying to buy the Maytas Company to cover up his crime, say that the Maytas evidence is ‘Incomplete Evidence’.
  • Point out to the fact that Satyam won the Golden Peacock Award for corporate governance in 2008 and that the Indian government is unhappy that a private sector company has won this and not a public sector company. After saying this, say something else and finish the sentence with the word ‘Evidence’.
  • The Indians will say that even the US and the entire world agrees with India’s assessment that Raju is guilty. At this point say that the evidence given by India is ‘Evidence Not Admissible In A Court Of Law’.
  • Go to a Hindi TV channel and say all this in Hindi; then go to an English TV channel and say all this in English. This will help us in wasting more time. In between driving to a Hindi news channel studio and an English news channel studio watch Pranab Mukherjee tear his remaining hair out as the anchor says “But Pakistan Does Not Accept That Ramalinga Raju Is Guilty”.
  • When the Indians produce more evidence that Raju is guilty say that the evidence is “Evidence Which Is Not Clear” or “Evidence Which Is Unclear” or “Evidence Which Is Unclear and Not Clear”.
  • When it becomes increasingly difficult to say that Raju is not guilty, simply say that you have not received any evidence in the first place.

Always remember, evidence is everything be it for Dawood, Bin Laden, Masood Azhar or Kasab Raju.

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