Saturday, October 17, 2009

Screw You Environmentalists, I’m Bursting Crackers

I hate stupid activists, environmentalists, and ultra conservatives. I really do.

These guys with their so called moral high grounds. God Damn You Bloody Environmentalists.

Don’t Go Out In the Sun – You’ll get Skin Cancer.

Don’t Go to Public Places-Someone Will Cough Then You’ll Get Swine Flu.

Don’t Play Video Games – You’ll Become Addicted to Them.

Don’t Listen To Heavy Metal – You’ll become a Devil Worshipper.

Don’t Go To The Market- Some Terrorist Bomb Blast Will Take Place.

Don’t Go To The Beach – Tsunami Will Drown You.

Don’t Go To The Park – Some Guy Will Rob You.

Don’t Arrest Naxals - Their Human Rights Will Be Violated.

Don’t Go To The ATM- Someone Will Steal Your Pin Number.

Don’t Stay At Home- An Earthquake Will Destroy Your House.

The shitheads wont even leave Brinjals alone – don’t eat BT Brinjals, you’ll become a 67 legged mutant freak show with sexually transmitted diseases.

I wonder why these people are so scared all the time. Are they so scared that they refuse to fart for fear that they’ll actually shit their pants?

Just leave Brinjals alone, you got it. Why can’t you people leave Brinjals alone?

What have the Brinjals ever done to you?

And here’s the newest one don’t burst any crackers this Diwali because global warming will increase and the pollution will kill us all and we’ll all be reincarnated as pine tree furniture.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. I’m The World’s 1062nd Richest Man. I will do exactly what I want to do this Diwali.

I’m gonna raise as much hell and kick as much ass as I want. Eat as many sweets, smoke as many cigars and burst as many crackers as I want.

I mean I work hard the rest of the year…right. I deserve to blast fireworks outside Rare Enterprises if I want.

So I’ll do what I want and all the shithead environmentalists and global warming fanatics can go hang themselves.

This is the first weekend of Samvat 2066, I’m getting ready for the Muhurat trading session tonight on the BSE.Every year I walk into the Muhurat trading session, and people prostrate themselves before me. Traders sing my hymns, SEBI officials give me bouquets and flowers. Women blow kisses at me. The managements of all the companies I have a stake in present me free merchandise everything from custom made clothes to custom made watches and jewelry. Managements of all the companies which I don’t have a stake in try to suck up to me and give me free tickets to IPL matches and even more goodies.

I get the same reception that the guy in the Intel ad gets.

Except it’s a 100000000000 times more lavish and filled with grandeur.

Tonight and over the weekend you can also watch me on business channels .Watch me at 3pm and 8pm on the Samvat 2066 market special on CNBC TV18.I will also be around on other business channels this Diwali weekend.

And just to piss off the environmentalists, I‘m gonna burst even more crackers and if they show up outside my Il palazzo flat and my weekend Rare Villa then I’ll attach their puny French fried bodies to my custom built ISRO rockets and launch them into orbit.

I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and I’m gonna have a blast this Diwali.

To all the readers of my Secret Journal I wish all of you a very Happy Diwali. I hope all of you become rich and prosperous – but less rich and less prosperous than me.

Global warming and environmentalists, kiss my ass.

Fireworks, here I come.

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