The following is a transcript of a conference call/discussion on the Shiv Sena-BJP’s loss in the Maharashtra elections.
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Sanjay Raut, Editor of Shiv Sena Mouthpiece ‘Saamna’: Hello and welcome to Shiv Sena Chintan Baithak.
Sanjay: Sir why Sir?
Uddhav: Bastard, BJP does Chintan Baithak and Congress does ‘Frank Discussion’. We should have originality.
Sanjay: Sorry Sir, I forgot but thanks to your greatness I have remembered. Once again to all the people-hello and welcome to that which is not a Chintan Baithak and not a frank discussion but that which is the official Shiv Sena election unimpressive performance debate 2009 sponsored by the all new Zandu Balm, Ek Balm Teen Kaam.
Uddhav: That’s better. Now tell me have you finished the formalities?
Sanjay: Ah yes Sirji, I have already sent a letter of Congratulations to the Congress-NCP alliance wishing them ‘GOOD LUCK’ and I have also forwarded 2 copies. One to the press and one to Sonia Gandhi in Delhi.
Uddhav: Good, professional courtesy is always very important in politics. Today’s rival is tomorrow’s alliance partner.
Sanjay: Sir you are so great Sirji!
Uddhav: Now that the Shiv Sena –BJP alliance has lost the election, what do we do?
Ram Das Kadam: Saabji, don’t worry. The party men are waiting outside. You just give the word. They will all go and Ek Dum smash all the News and Television Studios.NDTV,CNN IBN,AAJ TAK,ZEE NEWS,etc. Tomorrow we can say that the media ran a ‘VICIOUS CAMPAIGN’ against Sena-BJP alliance which cost us the election.
Sanjay: Yes Sir, in fact the party Treasurer has already informed me that the brand new shipment of Hockey Sticks, Cricket Bats and Steel Rods have arrived for breaking things.
Kadam: Saab Ji why you are taking so much tension? Police will arrest them tomorrow morning, by evening they will get bail. You just give me the word Sir, I will give them one phone call and they will be ready to go.
Eh Sanjay, where are the hockey sticks?
Sanjay: They’re in the big cupboard in party headquarters.
Kadam: See Sir so simple. The money is also there. You just tell me Sir, I’ll get the funds from the Swiss Bank Accounts.
Uddhav: Eh shut up you filthy toads****if we break the TV Studios. Where will our party spokespersons sit and criticize the Congress-NCP government?
For the next five years we have to rely on the media to carry messages of misgovernance by the Congress-NCP combine.
Supposing we break all the TV studios where will our party spokespeople debate various issues with party spokespeople of Congress-NCP huh?
Sanjay: Sir you are great Sir, why didn’t that occur to me? That is why you are Party President and I am only a mere Shiv Sainik.
Uddhav: I think it is time to do introspection and go back to the drawing board.
Bloody this is the third election in a row we have lost. For the past 10 years we have been drawing only. Personally I have been drawing my own cartoons on the drawing board.
Look at this latest one, notice that the orange is a little bright.
Asin: Yayy…Mirindaaaaaaaaa, Mirindaaaaaaaa
Balasaheb: Shut up crazy bitch**** I don’t know what happens to her when she sees orange color.
Now all you fellows can sit in the Maharashtra assembly and draw and introspect for another five years till the next bloody election. Drawing board, SALAA…HARAAM ZAADES***
Uddhav: Eh! What are you doing here?
Jaswant Singh: The BJP kicked me out remember. I’m without a party now. Sometimes I get lonely without a party atmosphere. I miss the camaraderie.
Sanjay: Cama….Camara…What? You want Camera? You bloody think this is a Camera showroom or what?
Kadam: We need to get back to being old school. Remember 1992 when we killed all those Muslims. Let’s use the RIOT plan to come back to power.
Uddhav: Oh shit! You shouldn’t have said RIOT
****Oh shit now I said it*****
Balasaheb: ***Asshole, now those two will come***
Pravin Togadia and Ashok Singhal enter.
Togadia: What up Mofos?!!
Singhal: Yeah bitches, Togadia and Singhal in the hiz…house….what’s happening?
Togadia: Did anyone say RIOT
Singhal: Yeah where the Muslims at? Dharavi, Haji Ali? Let’s Get Popping
Togadia: RIOT, Singhal go to that Bharat Petroleum petrol pump, hijack a petrol tanker and bring it here.
Singhal: Okay, anyone coming with me? You can hijack a petrol tanker from Indian Oil. I’ll even let you drive.
Togadia: Okay now I want you to divide into 3 groups. One led by me. One by Singhal and one by Uddhav.
Team A will set shops on fire.
Team B will attack the cinema halls.
Team C of which I will be captain is my personal favorite, we go hardcore on anything and
everything, if it moves it burns.
Come on lets go. RIOT
Naqvi: Eh …Shut Up Man…Yeh Salaa Kahaan Se Aaya?
Uddhav: Arre Yaar, whenever anyone says ‘RIOT’ Togadia and Singhal will appear magically out of nowhere. Then explosions happen and walls break down. Don’t you even know that much?
Balasaheb: Look we don’t need you now, so just go away.
Togadia:What??? So it was a false alarm!! Damn!! How many times have I told you fellows…don’t say RIOT unless you mean it*** The RIOT signal is not a joke.
..Please respect RIOTicians.
Uddhav: Sorry guys!
Togadia: Eh Singhal…let’s go.
Singhal: Wait…what do I do with this Bharat Petroleum Petrol Tanker...huh?
Balasaheb: What you got it already!!
Singhal: Yes, the bunk is just at the end of the road.
Uddhav: Look I’ll get some Shiv Sainik to take care of it. Now please leave.
Togadia: OK, remember in case of RIOT just say RIOT…goodbye for now.
Singhal: Vishwa Hindu Parishad …Out.
Uddhav: Now back to business, why did we lose this election also?
Gopinath Munde: I think it was the marketing campaign. The advertising company which made our ads for this election should be punished immediately.
Naqvi: Well I think it’s because of the voting machines. The bloody Congress wallahs are doing match fixing with these electronic voting machines.
Munde:Shut Up Naqvi. You have a serious case of foot in mouth disease. Whenever you remove the foot from your mouth you say something stupid.
Would you like me to stick my foot in your mouth to shut you up?
Uddhav: Don’t blame him Mundeji; He could be right. Think about it.
We are both political parties. It is our duty to do SCAM. When scam happens we can do GHOTALA also.Now if we use EVM’s we can’t do SCAM. But with ballot papers, we can initiate plenty of GHOTALAS and win the elections!
Dorjee Khandu: Sob! Sob! I led the Congress to victory in Arunachal Pradesh but no one cares about me...Sob…Sob
Munde: Don’t feel sad – the Chinese are celebrating your victory. Afterall they consider Arunachal to be a part of China. India-Chini Bhai Bhai.
Balasaheb: What we need is an analyst, activate the video conference machine and get a scientific reason.
After switching on the VC machine, an analyst appears.
Balasaheb: Okay analyst, why did we lose this election and how do we win the next one?
SP Tulsian: You can win by buying RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.
Balasaheb:**** AHHHH…..not a market analyst you idiots, an election analyst*****
Dorab the Election Analyst: I think you were unable to eliminate anti-incumbency, that’s why you lost this election.
Kadam: Ah! So that is the problem. Tell me where this anti-incumbency fellow stays and immediately I will phone call the Bhai log and give them SUPARI to kill Anti-Incumbency. Bloody anti-incumbency messing with Shiv Sena****USKI MAA KI***
Balasaheb: God damn it! You assholes know nothing.
Dorab: As I was saying, if you take the incumbency and the anti-incumbency.Add the percentage in the Thane belt with Bipasha Basu’s cleavage and the local rural speaking Marathi vote, collate that with the mortality rate within the Eastern part of Western Maharashtra and the Western Part of Northern Maharashtra.
Mix that with the number of times I scratch my head in the morning and add the total number of times the Ambani brothers will fight for gas and the total number of Mayawati statues in Uttar Pradesh would give you a rough estimate of the defeat of the reasons for your poll loss.
Uddhav: *****AHHHHHHHH….GET OUT OF HERE….BEFORE I KILL YOU….CAN’T UNDERSTAND A THING HE SAYS…..AHHHHHH……….SALAA PAAGAL KAR DIYA…KHOPDI GARAM HO GAYA….AHHHHH*****
Arundhati Roy: I want to observe this situation. I want to be creatively inspired for my next book “The God Of Naxals Who Have Small Things”
Balasaheb: Now we’ll never know.
Uddhav: Why don’t we ask Rakesh Jhunjhunwala? He Always Knew He Was Going To Be Rich And He Never Doubted It Even For A Minute.
Balasaheb: Yes, Yes, Rakesh Will Know. Get him on the video conference machine.
LIGHTNING STRIKES, THUNDER CRACKLES .ROCKY J appears on the video conference screen.
Balasaheb: Welcome Oh Great One! Please tell us why we lost this election and how we can win future elections. We are in dire need of your insights.
Me: Why should I help you?
Uddhav: We’ll give you the title of ‘World’s Coolest Person Ever’ and bash anyone in Mumbai who doesn’t call you by that title.
Me: I accept but only because I am the World’s Coolest Person Ever…..right.
Sanjay: Now tell us o great one who is the coolest person ever in the world also.
Me: OK...The reason you guys lost the election is simple….IT’S.....
BECAUSE YOU GUYS SUCK.
Sanjay: Whaaa…Don’t Insult Us Rakeshji
Me: You fellows simply don’t know how to be an opposition party. With the issues in Maharashtra piling up like my stocks, you still couldn’t take advantage.
Food prices are rising everyday.
Maharashtra is in the darkness because of all the load shedding.
The roads are pathetic, during the monsoons they become huge water reservoirs.
The infrastructure is horrible, bottle necks and traffic jams at every road.
Too many slums.
Severe Water shortage.
And then it was as if God himself presented a golden opportunity when 26/11 happened.
But still you clowns couldn’t behave responsibly and win this election. People simply don’t trust you enough to leave their lives in your hands. They’d rather elect a bunch of almost useless clowns as compared to absolutely useless clowns.
Uddhav: I don’t understand…I thought my cousin Raj Thackeray cost us the election.
Me: Yeah...You should blame him…definitely...because his thirteen seats would have definitely gotten you past the required number to form the government.
Oh…wait it wouldn’t have….you jokers didn’t even get a hundred seats...Ha! Ha!
Balasaheb: Wait I Still Don’t Understand.
Me: Yes and you never will. So I’m just wasting my time here. I’m getting out of here but feel free to refer to me as the World’s Coolest Person Ever….goodbye
Uddhav: What do we do now? I simply can’t understand what Jhunjhunwalaji said.
Sanjay: Sirji let’s ask Congress Spokesperson, Tom Vadakkan.
Tom: Hi I’m Tom Vadakkan. Tweet was a very lonely man. Don’t be lonely, don’t be like Tweet. Join Congress Party. Win The Election. Drink Vadakkan Beer.
Bottoms up, relax and have a Vadakkan.
Balasaheb: Useless bloody Vadakkan. I guess we have no choice. Get Bulldog Face Chhagan online. We need to ask him how his party keeps winning elections in Maharashtra.
Bulldog Face Chhagan: Yo Dudes, Wassup?
Uddhav: OK man how did you win the election?
Bulldog Face Chhagan: I did nothing.
Balasaheb: Ah! What?
Bulldog Face Chhagan: You know I did nothing, didn’t you read my letter to the voters of Maharashtra?
Uddhav: What letter, where?
Bulldog Face Chhagan: A letter I wrote, you can find it on The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala
Uddhav: Aha! Problem solved. You fellows won the election only because the voters read that letter on The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.
Balasaheb: From now on everybody reads The Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, that’s how we win elections.