Friday, May 9, 2008

The Lazy Indian Theory And The I-Phone

Hutchinson.D.Pug is a busy dog these days. Bird brain Arun Sarin has realized that running a mobile company in India is indeed difficult. That’s why he’s been running every two seconds like a baby with an explosive bladder to Hutchinson for advice on how to tap the Indian market. Simply displaying the Vodafone logo on every available billboard doesn’t sell the company’s products. That’s why Airtel is kicking Vodafone’s ass.

A few days ago at the General Body meeting of extremely rich dudes in Mumbai, Hutchinson and I were talking about the things that could be done to swerve India’s mobile industry away from Airtel to Vodafone. This is important for me even though I hold shares in Airtel. That Mittal guy from Airtel is extremely difficult to negotiate with; he won’t talk to you until you play him that annoying Airtel ringtone composed by A.R Rahman. It’s the song he uses to go to sleep every night.

It’s simply easier for me to make more money if I develop vested interests in Vodafone. I can then use their patented technology of customer entrapment through the careful manipulation of Arun Sarin because Hutchinson, like me is too clever to give away secrets. That’s when I transfer this knowledge to mini-j who will improperly implement it into Hungama mobile. I then conveniently set things right and find new ways of making mini-j’s life a living hell. Maybe I’ll start with him calling Vodafone’s customer care centre. The automatic voice at the other end of the phone and the subsequent pushing of the keypad buttons will drive mini-j crazy. I’ll then pelt him with a flying baby to return him to his infantile normalcy.

Hutchinson needed a new way to capture the interest of the Indian caller. I told him to bring in the I-phone to India.

Hutchinson was worried that the cost of importing the I-Phone would be too much and since marketing principles say that every product must be priced at twice it’s real value, Hutchinson realized that he’d have to price the I- Phone at extremely high rates. Rates that people wouldn’t ordinarily pay.

That’s when I told him not to worry. In India laziness is highly encouraged. It’s a genetically passed down trait from father to son. Every company that ever succeeded in India did so because it exploited the Indian’s laziness.

The I- phone was created for the Indian. Someone like me is too lazy to go through the effort of pushing the buttons on an ordinary cellphone. The keypad buttons hurt my fingers. Fingers bruised by years of counting money bundles and handling IPO forms. For a working professional like me the I-Phone is a boon.

I get to use just one finger to operate the I-phone. That basically guarantees that I can change the ringtone on my phone from ‘bah bah black sheep’ to ‘twinkle twinkle’ in a matter of seconds. Plus I get to watch movies on the I-phone. That’s also something the Indian likes.

My reasoning had opened Hutchinson’s eyes. That’s when he decided to introduce the I-Phone in India. I think people will buy that phone. I know I will.

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