Monday, August 17, 2009

Doctor Jhunjhunwala Says...

Wow! The political discretion in our country is really reaching an all time low.

We have a Health Minister who thinks that the best way to control India’s population is by seating every pubertized adult in front of a television.

His logic is sound for the male species because television rays have the ability to penetrate coarse garments and damage the sperm production process in a man thus preventing the onset of babies though his theory is highly flawed when it comes to diminishing female fertility. In appreciation of this sound theory let us all applaud the activities of Ghulam Nabi Azad now in charge of fighting Swine Flu.

Speaking of Azad, Saturday was Independence Day. I hope all of you wished your dear country a ‘Happy Birthday’.

I chilled out with my children, The J Twins and Nishtha. Since Rekha was away I decided to entertain myself by watching ‘Gadar Ek Prem Katha’ on Zee Cinema.

In this movie Sunny Deol is the BADDEST , RADDEST, COOLEST, MOST EXTREME,TRUCK DRIVING SON OF A BITCH on the planet who marches into Pakistan ,demolishes the entire Pakistani army with a HAND PUMP and comes back with Amisha Patel.

We should totally send that guy to bring back Masood Azhar and Hafiz Saeed.

Our Independence Day gift this year is from the Swine Flu Virus. The H1N1 has killed many Indians and thanks to our incessant supply of ministers like Ghulam Nabi Azad we will have no problem fighting this menace.

Personally I hold ginormous stakes in pharmaceutical companies like Bilcare (Last Closing Price Rs.396/Share—Feel Jealous and Suck on That Bear Cartel) and Lupin (Last Closing Price Rs.974.60/Share—Feel Jealous Again and Suck on That Again Bear Cartel). My family and I are guaranteed a limitless supply of Tamiflu for the rest of our lives. In fact just now I took a chocolate flavored Tamiflu tablet. For dinner I will have lemon flavored Tamiflu.

Others have to deal with people like VS Acharya, The Home Minister Of Karnataka. My friendship with the Karnataka Chief Minister has resulted in me getting to know what the great Acharya has said about Swine Flu.

I really wish I had made that up. All of a sudden the NOIDA Police’s strategy of arresting “All the Sour Ke Bacches in the Country” doesn’t seem to be such a bad idea.

Why is it that all the Home Ministers and Health Ministers we get are always so screwed up? India dealt with Shivraj Patil and Anbumani Ramadoss, Karnataka is dealing with VS Acharya and Maharashtra dealt with R.R Patil.

But the United States is dealing with India because India is dealing with Shah Rukh Khan. It’s such a catastrophe to be made to wait at an airport for two hours. I really feel sad for Shahrukh and Karan Johar.

I really hope that they get out of this crisis, not like the loser farmers in the country who keep whining about the rainfall. So pathetic!

Meanwhile the media is out with guns drawn. A week ago they were asking “Is India Doing Enough to Fight Swine Flu?”

Yesterday they were asking “Is India Overreacting to Swine Flu”. They are really concerned about us.

But since nobody seems to know anything about Swine Flu and the people of India are highly ignorant about the virus I have decided to turn DOCTOR for a day spreading awareness and education about the H1N1 virus.

This is a public service scheme since there are simply not enough doctors willing to appear on news channels to tell people about the Swine Flu.

Presenting Dr.Jhunjhunwala but I shall answer only TWO questions and that too because all of you are panicking.

Question 1

My Name Is Ramesh Janardhan Iyer, recently I broke my leg on the way to work, then I fell off the bus and was struck by a lightning bolt, after this I got a severe yeast infection .As of right now a couple of goondas have let loose a hungry lion on me which has ripped my intestines out leading to them having been pissed upon by a wandering street mutt.

My broken leg has been smashed into a million pieces and my other leg has been burnt by the goondas and is being exported as fertilizer for tomatoes in Canada.

One hand has been twisted in such a manner that it now resembles the Taj Mahal and my other hand has been completely detached and reattached the wrong way. My whole body itches but since all my appendages are dysfunctional I can’t scratch anywhere.

I’m pretty sure that my skull is fractured in several places and my lungs have been ruptured.

My liver has been pierced by the lion’s claws and my Pancreas is being feasted upon by some parasitic insects.

I’m also pretty sure that I have a Blood Pressure problem and my scalp is infested with dandruff. I also have a lifelong case of the diabetes.

To sum up I look like a Medieval Papaya Tree which has just been raped but emotionally I seem to be doing well because of my positive attitude towards life.

However, this is my primary concern: Can you tell for sure if I have the Swine Flu or not?

Ans: I think you’re safe from the Swine Flu but you should seriously do something about your Dandruff Problem.

Question 2

Hi! My name is Priyanka Chopra and I play a character called 'Sweety' in my latest movie called Kaminey.I as Sweety become pregnant .I want to know if my unborn Foetus has any chance of getting the Swine Flu. I’m really very scared.

Ans: Priyanka, you have a serious problem with shaking your Bum.

I would be more concerned about your Bum Shaking instead of Swine Flu because everytime I see you, you keep shaking your Bum. I would therefore recommend that in ads for the Nokia Company or films like Dostana which advocate the practice of ‘Shutting up and bouncing’ and Kaminey;

You not shake your bum or display any sideways or bobbling movement of your lower backside because it may attract unwanted male attention like that from Shahid Kapoor which resulted in you as Sweety to become impregnated in Kaminey.

Bum shaking indicates a strong desire to mate as the female signals the shaking of her Bum to indicate that she is in heat.

I have video evidence to prove that you suffer from ‘SERIAL BUM SHAKITIS’ and Bum Shakitis victims are often in denial about their tendency to display the already discussed bum shaking behavior which is why I as a doctor have to show you video evidence to convince you of your serious backside problem.


I would suggest that you dig a WELL and stand in it thus restricting your coverage area which will in turn reduce the angles by which you shake your bum, leaving your butt to be untouched by male costars hence not causing you to get into actions which will cause babies to come out of your womb as little Sweetys and Sweetas thereby totally preventing any possibility of the Sweetys in Foetal stage to contract or distribute Swine Flu.

If you cannot dig a well then you should look at THE WALL which is back.

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