Do you read the paper? I do. Better still I own one .Recently I was reading this from The Jhunjhunwala Times.
Mumbai| Correspondent Sharmila Tripurasundari Sharma Behen
‘NATIONAL PERSON’ Assistant Commissioner of Police Pradyuman aka ACP Pradyuman is an extremely happy man. Beaming from his left ear continuing the beam all the way to his right ear intermittently displaying his impeccably white frontal teeth, he chats quite chattily about his favorite Chaat hangouts in Chhattisgarh.
“I Like Pani Puri,Dahi Puri,Sev Puri and even Masala Puri.Incidentally I enjoy watching films with Om Puri and I’m married to a woman who makes excellent puri’s. So basically I’m a very Puri person” ,he quips quite wittily much to the amazement of amazed people.
It’s a rare sight to catch ACP Pradyuman in such a good mood, as the man who heads India’s toughest and most successful crack team of super elite detectives the CID or the Crime Investigation Division, he hardly ever finds time to chat about Chaats or pretty much anything in general .
Anointed with the prestigious title OF ‘NATIONAL PERSON’ by the Government of India, ACP Pradyuman is lovingly and respectfully known as ‘Sir’ to his colleagues and non colleagues alike.
But for the rest of India he will always be ACP Pradyuman whose dealings with the scourge of crime has become the stuff that legends are made of. So successful has his team been that their chronicles have run and continue to do so everyday on Sony Entertainment Television popularly also known as Sony TV.
Senior Inspector Daya ,ACP Pradyuman’s right hand man who prefers to stand by choice near ACP Pradyuman’s left hand adds quite refreshingly “See people are under the false impression that CID is actually a make believe fictitious organization which exists only on TV. They fail to understand that we are real police officers,rostered by the government working for the CID,whose actions are captured in motion by video cameras possessing motion capture technology.”
Fellow Senior Inspector Abhijit, another right hand man of ACP Pradyuman who unlike Senior Inspector Daya likes to stand near ACP Pradyuman’s right hand chimes in “So in essence CID is actually in fact India’s first reality TV show. Not Mtv roadies or poadies or something like that.”
“Yes indeed, we can solve any case in 42 minutes flat. Whether it be murder, kidnap, theft, acCIDent, molestation, missing person ,anything.Forty two minutes, hear me 42 minutes is all that we require to solve the case and put the bloody criminals behind bars” roars a frighteningly confident ACP Pradyuman.
Sub Inspector Vivek, the rookie of the group eagerly says “It is a dream of any young policeman to serve in the CID especially under ACP Pradyuman. I have learnt so many things from the team which aren't taught at the Academy. For example I have learnt that while solving a crime, the investigating officers should always put their hands on their hips.”
“At first I didn’t understand it but then Inspector Abhijit told me that by placing one’s hands on his hips and displaying your broad chest simultaneously, you automatically improve the blood flow to your brains which in turn renders better investigative potential”
Sub Inspector Fredricks, the funny one in the group adds “Yes, the ‘hands on hips’ technique is actually an Ayurvedic and yogic Indian exercise. These foreign cops don’t know the benefits, that’s why they act so funny all the time. Let them show if they can solve a case in 42 minutes”
Inspector Abhijit reiterates “Had the Americans told us to investigate the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden the CID would have found him by now. Even now if they request us we can find him within the next 42 minutes”
IIM lover and Management Executive,IIM Kapoor weighs in with his insight “Look, Don’t Fu#K With CID,CID Is The Best And I Love CID Because CID Kicks Ass.”
“Many think that because we have such a high success rate our team is refused promotions but the fact of the matter is everyone among us refuse our own promotions to a higher rank in order to avoid being transferred and for Pradyuman Sir, if he becomes Commissioner then he has to sit behind a desk and the team will lose a brilliant mind so he himself volunteered to sacrifice his promotion and we too followed so we can catch the bloody evil criminals” says Inspector Daya clearing up misconceptions as his eyes well up in admiration for his boss ACP Pradyuman.
Asked to explain a little more about their investigation technique and how they manage to solve any case in 42 minutes, ACP Pradyuman deliberates “Every crime begins when the show begins, essentially our show is one hour but because of the ads the actual run time is 42 minutes. So within that time we will solve the case. Yes, sometimes we have a two part special but even then it is only 42 minutes. We embrace technology fully, so it makes investigation faster.”
Forensic laboratory head Doctor Salunkhe chips in “We have the latest technology available, latest hardware, latest software. Our fingerprint database can match fingerprints in as little as 15 seconds. We can get blood test results in 60 seconds and DNA results in 90 seconds. There is nothing our software can’t handle.CID is indeed the best.”
He further adds “When we hold training sessions for Delhi Police or UP Police they are always surprised at the lightning speed of our computers. Even famous foreign film director James Cameron was so impressed with our image technology that he used it extensively in his film Avatar.”
But computers no matter how fast cannot compensate for human aggression. Every criminal caught by CID quivers in his boots at the very mention of the PATENTED STARE of ACP Pradyuman, now being chronicled by medical researchers worldwide for its radical truth producing effects.
Inspector Daya explains “Sir’s stare is more advanced than any Narco test or lie detector test. He simply looks at you with one eyebrow raised and you pour out your deadliest secrets. It’s the most devastating form of hypnosis ever present or used in crime investigation. If he stares at you, you are guaranteed to tell the truth, guaranteed.”
“And once we solve the case the Criminals know that their time is up with Sir’s stare staring a hole right through the very depths of their vile, putrid, crime filled interiors.” Reinforces Inspector Abhijit.
Suddenly ACP Pradyuman’s cell phone rings and the team rushes off to solve another crime. Thank you NATIONAL PERSON ACP Pradyuman, The Jhunjhunwala Times salutes you. As long as you and your team are on the job, criminals watch out. Thank you CID, Jai Hind!