Google is a search engine. It’s the best search engine to find XXX movies and pornography on the internet, so say Sexually Liberated individuals Shakti Kapoor and Emraan Hashmi.Anyway, this entry in my Secret Journal is not about porn, Shakti Kapoor or Emraan Hashmi.
It’s not even about Google. It’s about what’s been appearing on Google’s homepage. Mysterious hieroglyphs like these:
Upon further investigation I realized that these were not historic drawings by early nomadic people worshipping me as a God even before I arrived on this planet but rather an advertisement for the Winter Olympic Games being held currently in Vancouver.
I know, crazy people right! Winter Olympics, ***bah*** so
boring.These foreigners are so bloody weird, why can’t
they be normal like us Indians?
Why can’t they just shut up and play
Instead they have a Summer Olympics and now a Winter Olympics. All bloody time wasting exercises.
Just to prove that I’m not the only one saying this, I sent out a research team from Rare Enterprises on a fact finding mission.
The researchers asked a host of people questions about the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver . Along with the questions here are their answers:
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Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A:Jasmeet Singh, Garment Shop Owner, Ludhiana : “What!!!! Vancouver? Where is that? Is it in Bhatinda? Will Daler Mehndi be performing there? Then I’ll bring my entire family. We just love Dardi Rab Rab Kardi”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Ganapati Mudaliar Chattrapati Keshav, Accountant,Family Man :“WHAT, VAN COVER!!! YES I WANT VAN COVER . My van is getting very dirty. Too much pollution. Where I can buy it ????? I am searching everywhere for it. It has to cover my full van like this:”
Q: “What do you think of the Indian Olympic team headed by Shiva Keshavan not even getting proper uniforms for the Winter Olympics? ”
A : Minissha Lamba,Greatest Actress Of Current Era, Visiting Hindi Professor At The University Of Berkeley : “WHOA!!! India has a Winter Olympic team. I support them 100%, Go India Go!!!East or West India is the best!!!!!!! But Shiva Keshavan???? Is he related to Neil Nitin Mukesh?”Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Rahul, Airtel Boy, Stupid Dumbass Kid: “No, mummy says I have to do my homework. But when I finish my homework I can see Ninja Hattori on Nickelodeon. Hattori, Hattori, Yeh Hain Apna Yaar……”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A:Parvati Prasanna,Airtel Boy Rahul’s Mom, Upmarket Urban Housewife:“Are you FUC#IN Crazy!!!! I’m watching Rahul Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine. I hope he marries Nikunj . THAT MRINMAI IS SUCH A BITCH**** SCREW HER*****”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Dati Madan Maharaj, Astrological Consultant, Lord Shani Expert for India TV: “Wait hold on! Aren’t the Olympics already over in 2008.So it’s every 2 years from now on! I don’t know how I could have missed that bit of news. Anyway forget it, is Usain Bolt running. I advised him to do Shani Puja on Saturdays, only after that he started running fast and set all those World Records”
Q: “What do you think of Charlotte Kalla winning the Gold Medal in the 10 km Skiing Event at this year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver?”
A: Mimoh Chakraborty, Carrier Of The Mithun Chakraborty Gene, Wannabe Carpenter: “Wow!!! This chick is damn hot!!!!! Is she married?! Give her my mobile number no, please! Tell her I want to do the friendship with her!”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: SP Tulsian, Market Analyst: “No of course not, I was buying RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Devi Singh Shekhawat, President Pratibha Patil’s Husband, Blood Pressure Patient, Nervous Twitcher: “Look, this is not correct. First Virender Sehwag says that we should watch the Hockey World Cup in Delhi. Then Colonel Rajvavardhan Rathore also says the same thing. Now you’re asking if I’m watching this Winter Olympics thing.
What should I watch, what should I not watch?!!!!! I’m so confused. I’m going to kill myself. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Q: “Are you watching the Winter Olympic Games currently going on in Vancouver?”
A: Tinkunath Upadhyay Shrivastav,Avid Moviegoer : “ UMMM, NO BUT I WENT TO SEE MY NAME IS KHAN. UNFORTUNATELY SOME SHIV SAINIKS CAUGHT ME OUTSIDE THE THEATRE AND BROKE MY LEGS. THEN THEY SHAVED MY HEAD. BLACKENED MY FACE. RIPPED MY CLOTHES. THREW CHAPPALS AT ME WHICH THEY THEN USED TO GARLAND ME, HAD A BUNCH OF STRAY HUNGRY DOGS TEAR MY SKIN IN MANY PLACES AND FINALLY SAT ME DOWN ON A DONKEY AND MARCHED ME THROUGH THE CITY. THESE DAYS I LIE PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN, EATING THROUGH A STRAW AS I LIE WAITING FOR DEATH IN MY WHEELCHAIR.
BUT OVERALL, I’LL AT LEAST SAY MY NAME IS KHAN WAS GOOD AND SRK HAS GIVEN A BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE. THANKS SHIV SENA.”
Q: “What do you think of the Indian Olympic team headed by Shiva keshavan not even getting proper uniforms for the Winter Olympics?”
A: Shabana Azmi, Concerned Humanitarian: “This is a typical example of political apathy toward the athletes. We need to combat this at the grassroots level. The government must do more and us as citizens must get together and organize candlelight marches and signature campaigns to ensure such things don’t happen to our athletes ever again.”
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Having received all these facts, I created a plan to make sure that the abomination called the Winter Olympics never occur again. I contacted the one man capable of making sure that the Winter Olympics indeed don’t happen, Nobel Prize Winner and head of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC),Rajendra K Pachauri.
He sent me a note:
“Dear Rakeshji,
You Are Awesome!
Please don’t trouble yourself with these Winter Olympics. According to an IPCC report, all the snow in the world will disappear in 35 years time because of global warming or maybe its 350 years. I’m not sure because we make a lot of mistakes. But after that there will no longer be any Winter Olympics!
Jai Hind”
"Pachauri : Making Sure That All The Snow
In The World Will Disappear In 35 Or 350
Years. Then There Will Be No More Winter
Olympics And Foreigners Have To Also Play
Cricket."
In The World Will Disappear In 35 Or 350
Years. Then There Will Be No More Winter
Olympics And Foreigners Have To Also Play
Cricket."
PACHAURI ROCKS.
