Thursday, August 7, 2008

Damn You Colton,Give Me Back My Portfolio

When people refer to me as ‘India’s Warren Buffet’, I get angry. I am not India’s Warren Buffet.

Warren Buffet is America’s Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.

People often think that I like to talk about myself all the time; they think I keep saying how rich I am. They even say I have a secret journal on the internet which I keep so that I can talk even more about myself. I really don’t know where these guys got that idea from. I’m very humble, God promise.

I have often been called a savvy, street smart and legendary investor. I’m legendary because people write legends about me, directors’ line up to make films about me. Even music video makers want me to star in their music videos and do item numbers because I’m so sexy. Sherlyn Chopra wanted me to dance in her video remix ‘Dard-E Sherlyn’ and call it ‘Dard-E Rakesh’.

My phenomenal prowess as an Investor attracts unwanted attention.

Since January 2008, a diabolical genius known only as Colton has been following my every move. Colton runs an evil empire that few have heard of. His businesses include making pirated YouTube videos and revealing official secrets of Indian businessmen on his website

His site is merely a front for illegal activities. Colton is a criminal who uses the internet to perform his evil deeds. No one has ever seen his face and so none can say they know what he looks like. In his free time Colton likes to wear a hat and twiddle his fingers and laugh at the ease with which he gets away with his various crimes. An artist’s sketch revealed Colton to look something like this…

In January 2008, Colton put on one of his various disguises and sneaked into my house. My hi-tech CCTV cameras were unable to get a clear shot of him simply because after disguising himself, we didn’t know what he looked like. He could have even looked like me.

He snuck into my private office, went to my table, opened the second drawer in which was an electronic safe which can be opened only if I enter a sixty five digit code. Somehow Colton knew this code and he entered it which gave him access to another 65 digit code which also happens to be the number of my safety deposit box in the Andaman Islands.

He flew to the Andaman Islands by Deccan Airways, opened my safety deposit box and from it stole my most prized possession: MY STOCK PORTFOLIO.

He then went ahead and put that portfolio in public view on his website.

Since then investors have been mimicking my trades, buying what I buy selling what I sell. They’re even describing themselves as Savvy, Street Smart and Legendary.

My portfolio is private; it’s a work of art. Everytime I look at it brings tears to my eyes. It should be framed in a museum, enclosed in a bulletproof case for people to admire after I’m dead.

However, if Colton thinks He can get away after stealing my portfolio, he’s wrong.

I have dedicated an entire task force headed by Dr.Diwan Rahul Nanda to protecting my future portfolios and catching the villain Colton. Diwan Nanda is the chairman of TOPSGROUP, a security company that I invested in.

I invested in it simply after looking at Nanda’s photo. Anyone who looks like this in a photo shoot is a certified badass and perfect for catching Colton.

I have also learnt that Dr. Nanda has recruited some of the toughest guys to catch Colton and gave me this picture to show how hard they train.

Anyone who messes with me is going to have to deal with Nanda and TOPSGROUP security.

Colton had better watch out. I’m coming after him…..

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