What I Told The CII To Get A Standing Ovation

It’s tough work being the center of attention all the time. All the admiration, the flowers, the gifts, the autograph seekers, it’s exhausting.

This is why I’m happy the Olympics are finally over. This once in 4 year circus had people talking about useless things like Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. It’s time they started talking about me again.

Phelps this and Bolt that. I’m sick of the both of them and don’t have to hear about them for another 4 years.

Armchair critics have been inspired to be the next Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt. They want to swim 400 meters in world record time or even break Usain Bolt’s 100m world record. Why would anyone want to swim when the motorboat was invented? Why would anyone want to run 100 meters in under 10 seconds when you can buy a bike that goes from 0-100 in under five seconds?

It’s because I can think like this that I am the world’s 52^nd richest man (officially,unofficially # 1) and made all that cash without running or swimming or jumping or diving.

I did it by investing smartly.


The Confederation of Indian Industries organized a seminar with me as the Chief Guest at Hyderabad last Friday. They gave the seminar a snazzy title “Sensational Sensex-Retrospect and Prospect”. Like Udayan Mukherjee they wanted to know how come I’m still making money off my equities when everyone else is getting their punk asses beat.

Duh!!If I told them, they’d be the ones getting rich and cutting into my profits.

So I just beat around the bush, gave them a few details from the government’s
statistics report that I described as ‘Top Secret Material’ when in fact anyone with half a brain can walk into a government office and ask for them. I made statements that seem important like ‘If one in 10 people eats ice cream then the remaining nine are eating something else’ or ‘If 9 out of 10 people are eating something else, then 1 is eating ice cream’

Boy were they astonished at my intelligence! They clapped like crazy. Just like how a Rockstar often says ‘This Is the Greatest City Ever’ I said that ‘Hyderabad Rules’. When in Zimbabwe I say ‘Zimbabwe Rules’. When in Sydney I say ‘Sydney Rules’. When in Shimla I say ‘Shimla Rules’. They clapped even more.

In order to confuse them I made contradictory statements like ‘The Future Of Agriculture Is Exciting, It Will Drive Indian Growth Because An Agricultural Revolution Is Coming’ then I told them ‘Don’t Buy Fertilizer Stocks Because They Won’t Give Good Returns’. It’s fun to look at them trying to figure out how an agricultural revolution will be possible without the growth of the fertilizer industry.

Then I cracked some jokes because I needed to exhaust the time. Referred to my wife a couple of times. Paid tribute to the Warbuff-Warren and spun stories about India’s growth. Told them how foreign companies would drive the value of my shares up because their money in the US needed to come here into our markets.

After that I gave them quotations that will be remembered forever like ‘Don’t Believe Someone When They Say Shit Doesn’t Smell’.

In other words I convinced them that I am a legend. They were so amazed that like Reality TV Show judges they gave me a Standing Ovation. They’ll continue to talk about me for years instead of Nuts, Bolts and Phelps.