Thursday, August 28, 2008

Rakesh Meets Batman : A Tata Story

2 days ago, I was about to go home after a long day’s work in my Dalal Street office. I was busy checking my trade books and when I had finished was about to lock up and go home. That’s when it happened, the roof of my office crumbled and I was covered in cement. After shaking the dust away, I realized what had happened. International Superhero Batman was standing before me:

Batman: Hello sir, I am Batman.

Me: Screw you man, I know who you are. There’s only one imbecile on this planet that dresses like you and that’s YOU.

Batman: May I ask why you are so angry?

Me: You Bloody @@##~~, Why the hell did you come through the roof? Couldn’t you have just knocked on the door like normal people? How am I supposed to fix the roof at this time?

Batman: I’m sorry. I like to make dramatic entrances. I came here because I need your help. I have a big problem.

Me: Of course you have a problem! You always have problems.

Batman: But why do you say that?

Me: Because you’re a complete bloody loser.You’re only famous because of your films. I still can’t believe that your movie ‘The Dark Knight’ made over 500 million dollars. You don’t even have any real superpowers. You’re a fake superhero.

You can’t fly like Superman; you can’t shoot webs like Spiderman. All your bloody weapons are cheap imports from China and Russia.

I bet our own Shaktimaan could kick your ass. At least he has real superpowers unlike you. Also, he made money by endorsing Parle-G.

You on the other hand have been running after the same villain for the past 50 years. A villain who’s actually no more than a clown. It’s a good thing you don’t work here. If you can’t catch one Joker there, there’s no way you’d catch the thousands of Jokers here. Our country is filled with Jokers.

Batman: Come on, at least I have a good costume.

Me: Shut up loser, that costume is also a fraud just like you. I know you ordered it from Telebrands. You fool people by faking 6 pack abs on your costume. Underneath it lies your true jiggly, obese form.

You shouldn’t even be called Batman for that. You should be called FAT–MAN.

Batman: I’ll let you know, it’s made of high quality rubber. Even Spiderman and Superman use the same material.

Me: No they don’t. Spiderman’s costume is made out of Polyester while Superman wears Acrylic Nylon. It’s because you lie like this that you have so many problems.

Anyway, why are you here?

Batman: Ummm okay look, you must have heard of this whole Tata Nano Singur problem. Can you please make sure that the Tata Nano project doesn’t leave Singur?

Me: Why?

Batman: The thing is that because of the high cost of Petrol, I had negotiated a deal with Tata Motors to build a mini-Nano version of my car: The Bat Mobile, at Singur. Now Tata Motors won’t start building my car until they start a healthy production of the Nano. They had promised me that my car will be ready by November at least but if the Nano project moves somewhere else I’ll be forced to wait much longer. The cost of petrol is seriously going to drive me bankrupt in spite of me being a millionaire.

Me: Ah so even Batman outsources his work to India.

Batman: Completely, I believe in the ‘India Story’ just like you.

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Batman: Why!!!!???

Me: That’s because this entire problem is set in the land of the communists. I hate those guys. Ever since I helped Manmohan Singh retain his Prime Ministership, they’ve been looking to hurt me.Moreover, this problem was caused by the most dangerous weapon in Bengali politics. A billion decibel Weapon of Mass Destruction called Mamata Banerjee.

Batman: Yes I know. I’d have solved this problem myself but that lady scares the crap out of me. Please, you’ve got to help me.

Me: Hmmm...Okay .I won’t get involved but I’ll tell you who can help you.

Batman: Please, please!

Me: This is a feminist family problem; it needs a feminist family solution.

Batman: How is this a feminist family problem??????

Me: Shut up and listen loser.

This problem is being created by Mamata aka DIDI. You need to go and fall at the feet of her equally destructive sisters. Mayawati aka BEHENJI and Jayalalithaa aka AMMA.

If Amma and Behenji decide to help you, Didi has no chance. Those two combined can destroy half the Solar System by just talking on the mic.

Batman: You’re right; I’ll go to Tamil Nadu and then Uttar Pradesh right now.

Me: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Batman: What?

Me: My roof, shitbag!!!

Batman: Sorry, sorry.I’ll start the repair right now.

Me: Good and don’t disturb me for the next 2 days. I’m going to meet the next big thing in Indian politics.

Batman: Who?

Me: The man from the land of Cheppandi and founder of the Prajarajyam party:Chiranjeevi. Even he can kick your ass……LOSER. ”

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