On A Day Like Today

Since it’s a weekend, the markets are closed. I have to find ways to spend my time, on a random day of the weekend this is what my schedule looks like:

AM: 6:00: Get up, brush teeth.

7:00: Go and take a shit, invite Danny Boyle and the producers of Slumdog Millionaire to watch. Persuade them to make a movie on the same. Tell them that they can win the Oscar if they show me shitting instead of the little kid in Slumdog millionaire.

8:00: Read newspaper, eat breakfast. Check to see if Somnath Chatterjee is still alive after the previous day’s house proceedings. He might have died of a sudden heart attack after shouting at the shouting MP's.

9:00: Put on TV; wait for Pakistan to now say that 26/11 was hatched by Serena Williams and Venus Williams in order to ensure that Sania Mirza never ever wins a grand slam.

10:00: Find out which new portfolio of the government is being handled by Pranab Mukherjee. Be doubly sure that in the middle of all the cabinet portfolios he’s handling ,he doesn’t start to handle my stock portfolio.

11:00: Surf the net to check if the notorious Colton has put my new portfolio on his website.

12 noon: Call up Himalaya Publishing House Divisional Office and confirm if the new annual reports of the companies I invested in this past quarter are ready for distribution.

PM: 1:00: LUNCH

2:00: Fly by private jet to Ram Sena’s Mangalore office. Find out where Pramod Mutalik lives and steal the PINK CHADDIS that he and his men received on Valentines Day from his house.

3:00: Go to the head office of the women who sent Pramod Mutalik these chaddis and sell it to them.

4:00: Gloat at the fact that by selling pink chaddis to the women it belonged in the first place I made a profit. Call Mini-J and tell him to invest the profits in a new mutual fund called ‘PINK CHADDI FUND’.

5:00: Fly to Iraq and meet Muntazer Al Zeidi.Take advice on how to throw stuff at people.

6:00: Fly from there to the United States home of Nadia Sulaiman who gave birth to 8 children at once. Use Muntazer’s advice to throw a flying baby at her. Perform belly dance to put her in a hypnotic sleep and then perform surgery to remove her uterus. Leave pamphlet behind telling her that the earth is over-populated as it is so stop having all those babies, DAMN IT.

7:00: Return home and watch CNBC TV18.Get irritated by the sight of Udayan Mukherjee’s face. Make dartboard in the shape of Udayan’s face and throw darts at it.

8:00: Check Ganesha statue collection and order the new gold 56471qw Ganesha model from Telebrands catalogue.

8:30: DINNER

9:00: Discuss new ways to kill Shankar Sharma with my mutual fund buddies.

9:30: Talk to wife; serenade her with everything that I did the whole day till she goes to sleep out of boredom

10:00: Walk around expensive Il-Palazzo flat, yell at Vinod Khanna and check to see if he’s wearing the chicken suit I gave him.

11:00: Smoke new cigar set and calculate P/E ratios of the 568764598476 companies that I’ve invested in.

12:00: Go to sleep. Find new companies to invest in my dreams.