Friday, September 26, 2008

The Economy Is Screwed,Give Me 700 Billion Dollars,No Seriously!

The word BAILOUT has different meanings in different countries. In India BAILOUT is a political term. It indicates that a criminal who is also a politician has been successful in getting BAIL so that he can be kept OUT of jail to serve the people.

In America BAILOUT is a financial term. It indicates that people who are experts in losing money will be given more money so that they can continue to lose it. A BAILOUT is currently underway in the United States.

Supposedly this bailout will rescue the markets of the world. Now I know that this is a bunch of good old fashioned BULLSHIT because there is no chance in hell the Americans would ever readily give away 700 Billion Dollars.

It’s a scam people, a scam endorsed by George Bush to trick America and the World into giving America more money.

It started way back in February this year. In order to start another war somewhere in the world American politicians decided to create something called the ‘Subprime Credit Crisis’. It was supposed to be a fake crisis that would lead people to believe that there was actually a real economic crisis. American politicians and bankers started telling people that there was a shortage of money in the world.

They then used that excuse to kick people out of their homes. After this experiment worked they then took it to their stock market. Every trader and stock marketer started to believe that there was a crisis. They started to panic and began running around like a bunch of headless chickens with a loose motion problem.

Journalists and the Media Monkeys thought it was funny so they started to cover the running of the headless chickens and gave it a name ‘The Great Economic Crisis’. Now the Americans have managed to create the biggest hoax in modern history. They’ve sent the world economy into shock simply by telling people that there is actually a problem when there is none!

A smart investor like me would never fall for such a dirty trick. It’s another attempt by Forbes magazine and America to take away my money.

Now apparently George Bush and his staff are ready with an ‘emergency’ plan to pump in 700 Billion Dollars so that everything can be fine. Since this is a real solution to a fake crisis it needs to be acted out with precision.

Democratic and Republican Americans will sit behind closed doors pretending to come up with ways to provide 700 Billion Dollars. In reality they’ll just watch cartoons and drink beer. After two hours behind closed doors they’ll emerge and indicate that they have a solution in sight.

After keeping up this drama for a few days, the President will state that they have agreed to inject 700 Billion Dollars to save the economy.

American people will be forced to pay more taxes in order to make up all this money. The start of this problem saw them lose their houses. The solution to this problem will be to take away whatever little money they have left.

All the collected money will be stored in the Lehman Brothers building.

Thank God I’m not an American. In India we never conduct scams like this. We are honest.

Mera Bharat Mahaan.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

14 Reasons To Ban This Film

As someone who works closely with the BSE and SEBI, I am forced to recommend ways and means to improve morale of the stock brokers in the Indian markets. The only morale booster I need is the prospect of buying another new company and watch as it’s shares triple or quadruple in value but younger brokers need to be reminded how important it is to buy and sell shares which will by default increase the value of my own shares.

As part of this bogus effort to increase morale, I am often asked to recommend movies that brokers may watch and then increase their morale. I don’t like doing it but the SEBI forces me to.

I don’t have to listen to those jokers but since I get to watch a movie for free, I do so anyway.

I recently saw ‘Saas, Bahu Aur Sensex’ and was lucky to escape with my life. This movie must be banned as it is harmful to the well being of everyone who invests in the stock market. I therefore made the following recommendations to SEBI to ensure that this film is immediately stopped from being screened across India.

1.The film does not follow Indian movie making traditions. All the songs are less than five minutes long.

2.Fardeen Khan, the greatest actor of this generation does not act in this film.

3.There are no Miss Worlds or Miss Universes in this film.Tanushree Dutta does not count as she never won the title.

4.All the heroines speak Hindi instead of someone dubbing it for them.

5.Important details such as what the heroine’s bathroom looks like have been ignored because there isn’t a single scene which shows the heroine bathing in slow motion as a result of which stock brokers cannot anticipate which soap company to invest in.

6.This is an original idea which is a travesty of justice. A Hindi movie which is not based or ‘inspired’ from an English film does not warrant attention.

7.Raj Thackeray and Shiva’s army did not consider this film important enough to deface its posters and cinema halls. This is a shame.

8.Sanjay Leela Bhansali does not direct this film thus eliminating the chance to use Ranbir Kapoor’s butt for promotional purposes as in ‘Saawariya’.

9.The plot does not involve brothers being separated at birth and reunited years later through the ‘Mole on hand/leg/chest’ recognition system.

10.The hero does not have a brain tumor which is removed completely when a bullet fired from the villain’s gun accidentally cuts it.

11.The film was not controversial before its release as the kissing scenes were not objectionable enough to be rejected by the Censor Board.

12.A Saas, Bahu story not produced by Ekkkkta Kkkkapoor deletes the prospect of continuing it till the end of time thereby proving it to be an extreme short term investment.

13.The film is based on women investing in the market which is a dangerous idea as they think that Bulls and Bears are ‘cute’ creatures which must be adorned with jewels and other ornaments.

14.A company called Lehman Brothers went bankrupt after watching this film. Their employees were busy dancing to Indian songs after watching the film instead of working, which as everyone knows is a sure way to destroy a company.

Most importantly, the film does not highlight my achievements in the Sensex.That one reason alone is good enough to ban it.

Friday, September 19, 2008

People Saw Me On TV Yesterday

Now that the markets of the world are in trouble, my importance has been highlighted even more than before.

I told people a long time ago not to give unnecessary attention to people like Michael Phelps and events like the Olympics. They didn’t listen to me; they ran after him and paraded him around like a hero, especially in the media.

Since markets have been crashing I haven’t heard squat about him .Does anyone know where that fellow is or what he’s doing?

Everyone only wants to know how to avoid getting mauled by the Sensex.The government wants to know ,Nikolas Sarkozy wants to know,Rakhi Sawant wants to know and so do people from abroad. Even CNBC TV18 and NDTV want to know. So I’ve been giving non-stop interviews for the past 2 days enlightening them with my expertise.

CNBC TV18 interviewed me in the morning yesterday. At least those bloody smiley clown faced bubbleheads sent down cute chick Mitali Mukherjee to interview me instead of that irritating pest of a tie wearing Backstreet Boy wannabe, Udayan Mukherjee.

So Mitali asked me some questions with her girlish charms. It’s quite clear to everyone who saw it that she has a huge crush on me. Why wouldn’t she? I’m a sexy beast.

By the use of advanced subtexting and Montynalysis it becomes pretty clear that my statements indicate my ability to tell the truth in such a manner that no one will be able to understand it.

“What is a bear market, what is a bull market?”

Subtext: Unlike me, journalists like you are way too busy figuring out what type of a market we’re in instead of making money in it.

“I don't think the long-term Indian stock bull market has ended”

Subtext: The Indian stock bull market does not end till I, the biggest bull, say so.

“I have made presentations to show in October (2007) that this is going to be an unprecedented fall. And I have reasoned out how much is the lending to subprime, and that this problem cannot be stopped by reducing interest rates.”

Subtext: I told people in October of last year itself that those damn Americans would mess up the financial markets. Nobody listened to me. Now they’re all screwed while I have once again proved that I am a genius.

“What is wrong in being cautious?”

Subtext: All my money is safe; you will never know where it is.

Never believe that the BoE (Bank of England) cannot fail, or if the BoE may not fail.”

Subtext: British people don’t understand finance. Their main bank got tricked by that geezer George Soros.

“I always question; suppose I have to pay margin tomorrow, to Lehman Brothers, I would have questioned it.”

Subtext: I am actively involved in finding newer and newer ways of making sure that my profits never leave me. I had to pay Lehman Brothers my stock profits but since they don’t exist anymore, it’s no longer a problem.

“The mother of all bull runs is still to come. But I think the next high and the next bull market will be far bigger and have far more participation, and far more excesses than we had in the last one year.”

Subtext: I’m going to get even richer than I already am. Don’t be surprised if I buy my own country one day.

After all this I was interviewed by NDTV in the evening.Prannoy Toy bored the hell out of me so I left the studio in a huff. He still wanted answers so he sent a girl from his army of female journalists. She begged me to answer her questions. I don’t like to see women sad so I agreed to an interview and answered a few of her questions which were exactly the same as Mitali had asked me earlier in the day.

How many times do I have to prove to everyone that I’m a friggin genius?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

NOIDA Police Investigates 'Black Monday'

A 2 minute silence must first be observed in honor of the Lehman Brothers Henry, Mayer & Emanuel. Congratulations must also be given to the excellent Board Of Directors of this now bankrupt company for giving the rest of the world a lesson in destroying a perfectly good business and filing a bankruptcy of epic proportions and ensuing a fiasco across every market in the world.

The media monkeys called yesterday a ‘Black Monday ’ which would by default make today a ‘Terrible Tuesday’ and tomorrow a ‘Weak Wednesday’. Thursday should be ‘Torturous Thursday’ and Friday should be ‘Manic Friday’. Now I’m seriously confused .Our media monkeys use these terms only when there is a BOMB BLAST somewhere and not when there is a STOCK MARKET CRASH.

When there is a stock market crash on Monday, the benevolent Indian media uses the term ‘Manic Monday ’ not ‘Black Monday ’. ‘Black’ is used to denote bomb blasts on Mondays and ‘Manic’ for stock market crashes on Mondays.

Now if they’ve used the term ‘Black Monday’ it can mean only one thing : Yesterday’s market crash and today’s drubbing of the Sensex has been caused by a bomb blast in New York which sent their shares to tank, Lehman Brothers to close and every other market in the world to drop.

All this crap about Lehman being a victim of the sub-prime crisis is nonsense. They just don’t want to admit that it was a terrorist bombing at Wall Street that caused this bloody mess.

So I’ve decided to expose the truth myself. Without wasting any time I‘ve already hired the best investigative agency in the world .The men responsible for the path breaking criminal investigation of the Aarushi Talwar murder case: The NOIDA Police Force.

The NOIDA police force has already told me that after intensive investigation they have reached the conclusion that this bomb blast is based on the bomb blasts which occurred this past Saturday in Delhi. They have arrived at this conclusion based on the fact that both events had bombs and they blasted leading to bomb blasts.

Crucial leads have also been obtained from high ranking state officials like the hon-her-able Home Minister Shivraj Patil and Gujarat’s CM Narendra Modi. These 2 guys have been telling the media that they knew that these blasts were about to take place beforehand.

Based on all the data collected the NOIDA police have made their first arrest. A high ranking member of the terror group called the Indian Cat Mujahideen.They have arrested the chief of this organization called CAT-UL-HASAN .CAT-UL –HASAN has a bad habit of sending e-mails to the media describing his actions. It was this action of his that led to his arrest by the NOIDA police. They even captured his arrest in a camera.

Some of CAT-UL-HASAN’s accomplices have escaped but the NOIDA police are sure that someone in the public will be able to identify them. To speed up this process they even released a computer generated image of one suspect who according to them looks like this:

The formal declaration of all these arrests will be made in a press conference by Mr. Singh who is the best person to hold press conferences in the NOIDA police department.

In future the NOIDA police plan to arrest more people, and then re-arrest them, and then let them go out on bail and finally transfer the case to the CBI; BUT NOT TO WORRY; this is just a plan to capture the entire terrorist organization behind this current financial situation.

Even the RBI takes advice from the NOIDA police. I still can’t understand why everyone calls them a bunch of sloppy, hopeless, useless, lazy, fat bastards because if there’s anyone that can solve the current financial problem, it’s the NOIDA police.

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