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Friday, August 21, 2009

Special Observer Status: How Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Saved The BJP

The following is a transcript of a conversation from the BJP’s problem solving session known in Hindi as the ‘Chintan Baithak’ being held currently at Shimla. As a fair and objective, rational, handsome, strong, eloquent human being, I was invited to be an observer.

And considering God Ganesha’s given ability to solve problems, it really looks like I’m the only one who can solve the BJP’s problems and guess what, that’s exactly what I did today.

Presenting Rocky J @ BJP Chintan Baithak.

=================================================================================

Rajnath Singh : Hello everybody, welcome to the BJP Chintan Baithak. Please welcome Special Observer Shri. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. Jaswant Singh is no longer a part of the party but he will be here via video conference to explain his position. Now let the blames begin.


Arun Jaitley: Rajnath, all I heard was BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And more BLAH! Conservative dog shit baldy .I should be leader, Advaniji say something.



LK Advani: Screw you guys, I don’t even want to be here. I want to go home, eat pizza, drink coke and watch TV.

Jaitley: Then why don’t you just quit and make me leader.

Advani: I do want to quit you bastards, I’m bloody 81 years old and I quit the day we lost the election but the moment I said that, you bastards started to fight among yourselves all wanting to be leader. If I’d have let that happen, the party would have broken up into a million pieces and Sonia Gandhi would have started dancing.


Murli Manohar Joshi: Whatever man, I should be leader. At the age of 75 I’ve never felt younger.



M.A.Naqvi: No I should be leader not Jaitley or Joshi.


Yashwant Sinha : Shut the fu*k up Naqvi, nobody cares about you, you’re only the symbolic Muslim face of the party because we want the world to know that we’re secular even though we’re secretly controlled by a right wing Hindu organization. The only one who should be leader is me.


Sushma Swaraj: Oh hell no. Kiss my fat ass you piece of shit. You keep leaking letters to the media. Do you know what the party workers are calling you huh? They’re calling you “LETTER LEAKER”.I repeat “LETTER LEAKER”. That’s even worse than being called a “DOLL PRESSER”.


HUTCHINSON.D.PUG: *****I AM NOT A BLOODY DOLL PRESSER*****

Advani: See you’re fighting again.


Venkaiah Naidu: Eh people,what are we going to do about Jaswant Singh?


Rajnath: Okay, activate the video conference and bring Jaswant Singh online.

Jaswant: How are you? All you back stabbing sons of bitches?

Sushma: Oh come on man; don’t tell me you’re still pissed about being expelled from the BJP.

Jaswant: Of course I am, after 30 years I was sacked that too for writing a book .Worse I was sacked over phone.

Rajnath: Stop looking at me you fellows, we’re in a recession. I was trying to save money that’s why I sacked him over the phone.

Jaswant: You humiliated me, baldy!

Naidu: Relax Jaswant, it’s not personal. We thought it would be better if we sacked you over the phone, you’ll be getting your complimentary ‘I was with the BJP for thirty years’ T-shirt and Grain Sack as a symbol for your sacking in the mail, just relax.

Advani: You know Jaswant; ever since we’ve been out of power we’ve run out of money. We need to be in power to make money by taking bribes. All the money we had was blown up during the election campaign. That’s why Rajnath gave you the sack over the phone.

Jaswant: He was extremely impolite okay, he called up and said “Hey Jaswant, You’re Fired, Now Fu*K Off”, he didn’t even give me a reason.

Rajnath: What!! Isn’t it obvious, you wrote that stupid book on Jinnah you fat freak?

Jaswant: Oyey! Don’t say anything about my book baldy, you don’t even know English. You’re only a mass leader. I’m the liberal thinker and strategist.

Jaitley: Oh yeah! you’re definitely a great leader jackass; everyone knows that you’re the dude who screwed up the IC-814 hijack. Nice going.

Jaswant: You’re talking like I hijacked the plane, bastard.

Joshi: Oh yeah, a great thinker’s move to let the plane take off to Kandahar once it landed in Amritsar and what about you personally escorting Masood Azhar, dumbass.

Jaswant: Wait ,who was that who told the party workers to break the Babri Masjid, Oh yeah! that was you Joshi.

Pravin Togadia: RIOT everybody RIOT. Let’s blame the Muslims for the BJP’s infighting and blow up petrol pumps, buses and destroy glass windows, shatter and break faces.

RIOT EVERYBODY, FULL ON VHP STYLE AND LET’S CALL PRAMOD MUTHALIK TO JOIN IN!

LET’S GO PEOPLE, RIOT RIGHT NOW.

Ashok Singhal: Absolutely Togadia and let’s kill Christians as well. Here we go.


Varun Gandhi: I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I’ve been waiting to unveil my brand new ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ from Telebrands, now only Rs.567/-. Handling and delivery charges extra.

Jaswant : Way to go guys!, so its okay for Varun to use his ‘Muslim Hand Cutter’ and stay in the party but when I say something about Muslims being marginalized In my book, I get expelled . Fantastic. We truly are the party with the difference.

Advani: I know this entire thing is whose fault.

Yashwant: Who?

Advani :That bastard Karan Thapar,He’s the one who nitpicked Jaswant’s brain on TV till Jaswant said those stupid things about his book.Togadia,Singhal go catch that Thapar fellow and burn his fu*kin house down. Then bring him here. I want to torture that rat.



Togadia: HELL YEAH MAN, I’M GONNA GO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GODHRA ON HIS ASS.

RIOT.

Rajnath: Okay Jaswant, I’ll give you one last chance, withdraw your Jinnah book and you get back to being in the BJP.

Jaswant: Absolutely not, I’ve been working on that book for five years and I got a huge contract to publish that book. There is no way I’m withdrawing that book.

Rajnath: Fine then, you remain fired.

Jaswant: Fine

Rajnath: Fine

Joshi: Fine, Now am I leader or what?

Jailtley: I’m leader...

Sushma: No, I’m leader.

Naidu: No, I’m leader.

Yashwant: Eh Naidu, I’m leader.

Naidu: Bastard, I’ll kill you. Where’s the mic, I’ll bash your head in with this.

Yashwant: BRING IT ON BITCH.

Togadia: RIOT, SINGHAL GET THE PETROL.

SINGHAL: What’s happening, eh who are you?

THUNDER SOUNDS, LIGHTNING CRACKLES.

Rocky J stands up.

Me: Now only I will speak. All of you are being held by the crack elite team of TOPS Security Group. A company I hold a huge stake in.

Now sit your asses down and listen to me.Naidu, put the mic down.

Naidu: Fine.

Me: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Have you forgotten who you are? You are the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Where is the party that used to block Indian roads and cause traffic jams for hours with Rath Yatras huh?

Where is the party that told the US to buzz off and exploded all those nuclear bombs in Pokhran?

Where is the party that fulfilled Pervez Musharraf’s lifelong ambition of seeing the Taj Mahal?

Where is the party that authorized the Army to kick Pakistan’s ass in the Kargil war?

Where is the party that waved bundles of cash on the floor of the Parliament during the trust vote?

Where is the party that used to make Mulayam Singh and Mayawati’s life a living hell?

Advani: Hmmmm, but tell me Jhunjhunwala why are you helping us. I thought you liked the Congress.

Me: Contrary to what you think the only thing I like is DEMOCRACY. If you guys self destruct the whole principle of an opposition party has no meaning. If the BJP breaks down then the main opposition party will be led by the Communists and I’ll be damned if I let that happen.

Jaitley: So what should we do?

Jaswant: And what about my book?

Me: Oh man! Will you just shut the hell up! **** Jaswant Singh, no one is going to even read your bloody book. It’s more than a thousand pages long and Jinnah’s story will never be made into a six part movie franchise like the Harry Potter series.

Firstly, all of you should stop talking about Jinnah, what is it with you guys and Jinnah? Then Advani now Jaswant, Can’t you all just shut up.

Nobody cares about your Jinnah theories and your Ram Temple Issues. Build roads, give people electricity, water and education and they’ll actually vote for you.

Not over these stupid things, you guys look like a bunch of jokers.

Rajnath: Sob, sob you’ve opened my eyes Jhunjhunwalaji, thank you.

I’m sorry all of you, I love you guys, except Jaitley.

Naidu, Yashwant, and Sushma in chorus: We’re sorry too, we love you.

Jaitley: Stop it, you’ll make me cry.

Joshi: But Rakeshji, how do we get out of this current mess with Jaswant. How do we bring him back into the party after having expelled him?

Me: Arre simple yaar! Use your imagination, what do you do whenever something bad happens in India.

Jaswant: We blame the Congress.

Me: Exactly!!

Rajnath: You mean….

Me:

· Of course, say this whole Jinnah thing is caused by the Congress.

  • Say that Footage of Jaswant’s interview to Karan Thapar was tampered with.
  • Say Jaswant has been misquoted by the media which is under Congress influence.
  • Say the Congress is responsible for infighting within the BJP.Say they are bribing party leaders and workers.
  • Say the details in Jaswant’s book are wrong, that Jaswant’s real book is lost and that this book is written and published under Jaswant’s name by the Congress party and you want a CBI enquiry into the whole thing.

The possibilities are endless……

Advani: Wow you truly are a genius. Now I know why the markets move to every whim and fancy of yours.

Me: Thank You! But stop fighting.

Just imagine what he’s thinking right now.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Doctor Jhunjhunwala Says...

Wow! The political discretion in our country is really reaching an all time low.

We have a Health Minister who thinks that the best way to control India’s population is by seating every pubertized adult in front of a television.

His logic is sound for the male species because television rays have the ability to penetrate coarse garments and damage the sperm production process in a man thus preventing the onset of babies though his theory is highly flawed when it comes to diminishing female fertility. In appreciation of this sound theory let us all applaud the activities of Ghulam Nabi Azad now in charge of fighting Swine Flu.

Speaking of Azad, Saturday was Independence Day. I hope all of you wished your dear country a ‘Happy Birthday’.

I chilled out with my children, The J Twins and Nishtha. Since Rekha was away I decided to entertain myself by watching ‘Gadar Ek Prem Katha’ on Zee Cinema.

In this movie Sunny Deol is the BADDEST , RADDEST, COOLEST, MOST EXTREME,TRUCK DRIVING SON OF A BITCH on the planet who marches into Pakistan ,demolishes the entire Pakistani army with a HAND PUMP and comes back with Amisha Patel.

We should totally send that guy to bring back Masood Azhar and Hafiz Saeed.

Our Independence Day gift this year is from the Swine Flu Virus. The H1N1 has killed many Indians and thanks to our incessant supply of ministers like Ghulam Nabi Azad we will have no problem fighting this menace.

Personally I hold ginormous stakes in pharmaceutical companies like Bilcare (Last Closing Price Rs.396/Share—Feel Jealous and Suck on That Bear Cartel) and Lupin (Last Closing Price Rs.974.60/Share—Feel Jealous Again and Suck on That Again Bear Cartel). My family and I are guaranteed a limitless supply of Tamiflu for the rest of our lives. In fact just now I took a chocolate flavored Tamiflu tablet. For dinner I will have lemon flavored Tamiflu.

Others have to deal with people like VS Acharya, The Home Minister Of Karnataka. My friendship with the Karnataka Chief Minister has resulted in me getting to know what the great Acharya has said about Swine Flu.

I really wish I had made that up. All of a sudden the NOIDA Police’s strategy of arresting “All the Sour Ke Bacches in the Country” doesn’t seem to be such a bad idea.

Why is it that all the Home Ministers and Health Ministers we get are always so screwed up? India dealt with Shivraj Patil and Anbumani Ramadoss, Karnataka is dealing with VS Acharya and Maharashtra dealt with R.R Patil.

But the United States is dealing with India because India is dealing with Shah Rukh Khan. It’s such a catastrophe to be made to wait at an airport for two hours. I really feel sad for Shahrukh and Karan Johar.

I really hope that they get out of this crisis, not like the loser farmers in the country who keep whining about the rainfall. So pathetic!

Meanwhile the media is out with guns drawn. A week ago they were asking “Is India Doing Enough to Fight Swine Flu?”

Yesterday they were asking “Is India Overreacting to Swine Flu”. They are really concerned about us.

But since nobody seems to know anything about Swine Flu and the people of India are highly ignorant about the virus I have decided to turn DOCTOR for a day spreading awareness and education about the H1N1 virus.

This is a public service scheme since there are simply not enough doctors willing to appear on news channels to tell people about the Swine Flu.

Presenting Dr.Jhunjhunwala but I shall answer only TWO questions and that too because all of you are panicking.

Question 1

My Name Is Ramesh Janardhan Iyer, recently I broke my leg on the way to work, then I fell off the bus and was struck by a lightning bolt, after this I got a severe yeast infection .As of right now a couple of goondas have let loose a hungry lion on me which has ripped my intestines out leading to them having been pissed upon by a wandering street mutt.

My broken leg has been smashed into a million pieces and my other leg has been burnt by the goondas and is being exported as fertilizer for tomatoes in Canada.

One hand has been twisted in such a manner that it now resembles the Taj Mahal and my other hand has been completely detached and reattached the wrong way. My whole body itches but since all my appendages are dysfunctional I can’t scratch anywhere.

I’m pretty sure that my skull is fractured in several places and my lungs have been ruptured.

My liver has been pierced by the lion’s claws and my Pancreas is being feasted upon by some parasitic insects.

I’m also pretty sure that I have a Blood Pressure problem and my scalp is infested with dandruff. I also have a lifelong case of the diabetes.

To sum up I look like a Medieval Papaya Tree which has just been raped but emotionally I seem to be doing well because of my positive attitude towards life.

However, this is my primary concern: Can you tell for sure if I have the Swine Flu or not?

Ans: I think you’re safe from the Swine Flu but you should seriously do something about your Dandruff Problem.

Question 2

Hi! My name is Priyanka Chopra and I play a character called 'Sweety' in my latest movie called Kaminey.I as Sweety become pregnant .I want to know if my unborn Foetus has any chance of getting the Swine Flu. I’m really very scared.

Ans: Priyanka, you have a serious problem with shaking your Bum.

I would be more concerned about your Bum Shaking instead of Swine Flu because everytime I see you, you keep shaking your Bum. I would therefore recommend that in ads for the Nokia Company or films like Dostana which advocate the practice of ‘Shutting up and bouncing’ and Kaminey;

You not shake your bum or display any sideways or bobbling movement of your lower backside because it may attract unwanted male attention like that from Shahid Kapoor which resulted in you as Sweety to become impregnated in Kaminey.

Bum shaking indicates a strong desire to mate as the female signals the shaking of her Bum to indicate that she is in heat.

I have video evidence to prove that you suffer from ‘SERIAL BUM SHAKITIS’ and Bum Shakitis victims are often in denial about their tendency to display the already discussed bum shaking behavior which is why I as a doctor have to show you video evidence to convince you of your serious backside problem.

video.

I would suggest that you dig a WELL and stand in it thus restricting your coverage area which will in turn reduce the angles by which you shake your bum, leaving your butt to be untouched by male costars hence not causing you to get into actions which will cause babies to come out of your womb as little Sweetys and Sweetas thereby totally preventing any possibility of the Sweetys in Foetal stage to contract or distribute Swine Flu.

If you cannot dig a well then you should look at THE WALL which is back.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

OK Indiblogger, You Asked For It, This Is A Show Of Strength Because I Am Not A 45.

Dear Readers of my journal,

An attempt has been made to malign the image of your hero (me) master stockbreaker, legendary investor and The World’s 1062nd Richest Man.

Dalal Street is in a grim mood because its guide has been insulted.

I know that you guys know that there is a site out there called Indiblogger. In an effort to make themselves famous Indiblogger has done the unthinkable. They’ve created a system of ranking Indian blogs, this is a scandalous concept.

What’s worse is that my Secret Journal has been ranked FORTY FIVE OUT OF 100, that’s right my philosophical concepts have only managed to create a rank score of 45/100 on the Indiblogger ranking system.

To quote Emraan Hashmi “I Have Been Denied A House Ranked 45/100 because I Am A Muslim Legendary Investor”

Just like Mahesh Bhatt came out to support Emraan I expect you guys to support me in the same way and complain to Indiblogger about this great prejudice against me. Also if you guys could break some shop windows and set a few buses on fire, it would be awesome but if the police ask me anything about you people creating a riot I’ll deny any and all existence of you and say that you are Shankar Sharma’s cronies and this whole thing is “A Political Conspiracy” and “The Rumors Are Baseless And Politically Motivated”.

So while I rally the forces on Dalal Street the wheels are already in motion to create a mass civil disobedience movement highlighting Indiblogger’s dumbass ranking of my SECRET JOURNAL.

O lord have sweet mercy on the Indiblogger people. They asked for it, they wanted my attention and now they’ve got it.

By ranking me 45/100 they’ve INDIBLOGGIED MY ASS.

The outrageousness has people talking. I’m touched by all the things my famous celebrity buddies and journal readers are saying in the media. Their support means a lot to me.

Who’s saying what?

Rennie Ravin , Founder Of Indiblogger -“ I put a picture of a tiger on my blog, then used Indiblogger’s ranking system to give my own site a ranking of 63/100 while Rakesh only got a 45,this is what happens when the only pictures he seems to put on his blog are those of monkeys”


Concerned Mother- “He’s a bloody sexist pig.

Serves him right, if it were me I would have given his blog -694/100.My hardworking son used to spend all his time reading and learning, even while taking a dump he used to read the newspaper but ever since that bloody Jhunjhunwala fellow started to blog my son does nothing but read that stupid thing trying to form an alliance with Rakesh because the market is his altar and he is it’s God”

Devina Mehra, Crazy Kung Fu Hair Lady- “He’s so selfish. He’s talking about himself as usual at a time when the country is going through crisis after crisis. Bloody fellow is complaining about his stupid Indiblogger rank when people in Pune are dying of swine flu. Shankar would never do that”

Rashmi Bansal, Career Cracker, and Youth Curry Maker -“I hate Rakesh, he thinks he’s so bloody cool but he’s a dipshit moron. I’d rather tell people to go to IIPM instead of becoming a stockbroker like him on my TV show Cracking Careers, Saturdays At 6 pm only on UTVi”

Gautam Ghosh, Management Consultant -“What are you asking me for? I got an Indiblogger rank of 87 /100. I’m not complaining.


This is completely Rakesh’s fault.”




Sucheta Dalal, Editor Moneylife Magazine -“I regret the day I formed an alliance with Rakesh and told people I read his SECRET JOURNAL .I should just go ahead and punk his ass out like I did with Harshad Mehta and then I’ll wallop his hundred pound backside with my Padmashri”


Desi Prime Minister -Career Path UPA, are you ready?


Nesil Staney, Mint Journalist -“Worst assignment of my life covering Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and his so called cult status. Now I suffer from recurring nightmares every night.”


Shiv Kumar Mishra, Journal Reader -“My life has been ruined ever since I started to read The Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala.”

Preetam Singh, Comment Leaver -“The standard of his so called 'jokes' is so low, his 'humor' is so juvenile. He only likes to do toilet humor and FART JOKES”

Random Member Of Indiblogger Team -“Most unprofessional Indian blogger. Has no long term plans and definitely not funny. The ranking is completely justified. We’re sticking to it unless Rakesh buys Indiblogger out in a secret deal then we’ll rank it as #1 but by that time I will put in my resignation. ”

The guy who makes pictures for The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala- “This is the same guy who forced me to make superheroes out of Varun Gandhi and Yash Chopra. He’s not even going to have half a problem simply making himself a fake Indiblogger badge as the top ranked blogger to put it in his sidebar.”

Sathyanarain, Blog Reader -“I’m going to spam his head with this e-mail and clog up his inbox:

HI,We sell electronic product, welcome to visit our website http://egodshop.com you should find out some product you want. If you become our agent,so you will get more profit.

Our msn or email: info@egodshop.com

Good luck.”

Hobo, Secret Journal Reader- “Worst Blog Everrrrr. I’m never reading again.”

Sidz, Reader -“He sucks AND his poetry sucks AND he’s full of crap.”

ARUN GIRI, UTVi- “He better not make fun of my moustache. I know Mohan Parasaran’s phone number

Anonymous comment leaver -“YOU ARE A SICK MAN, Mr. JHUNJHUNWALA! MAYBE, GO AND SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. IT WILL HELP! SHOWS ON YOUR EYES AND FACE!

Anil Ambani, Gas Fighter - “He said I’ll do anything for gas

Deve Gowda - “He Misinterprets My Penchant for Resting My Body as a Serious Defect. Bloody Bastard”

The Notorious Colton-I never even stole his portfolio, he should hammer Indiblogger BUT in a nice way”

Indiblogger, now you know what happens when you mess with me. My friends gather and morally support me.

Jhunjhunwala is like this only, welcome to the show, please come inside.

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