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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Rakesh Meets Batman : A Tata Story

2 days ago, I was about to go home after a long day’s work in my Dalal Street office. I was busy checking my trade books and when I had finished was about to lock up and go home. That’s when it happened, the roof of my office crumbled and I was covered in cement. After shaking the dust away, I realized what had happened. International Superhero Batman was standing before me:

Batman: Hello sir, I am Batman.

Me: Screw you man, I know who you are. There’s only one imbecile on this planet that dresses like you and that’s YOU.

Batman: May I ask why you are so angry?

Me: You Bloody @@##~~, Why the hell did you come through the roof? Couldn’t you have just knocked on the door like normal people? How am I supposed to fix the roof at this time?

Batman: I’m sorry. I like to make dramatic entrances. I came here because I need your help. I have a big problem.

Me: Of course you have a problem! You always have problems.

Batman: But why do you say that?

Me: Because you’re a complete bloody loser.You’re only famous because of your films. I still can’t believe that your movie ‘The Dark Knight’ made over 500 million dollars. You don’t even have any real superpowers. You’re a fake superhero.

You can’t fly like Superman; you can’t shoot webs like Spiderman. All your bloody weapons are cheap imports from China and Russia.

I bet our own Shaktimaan could kick your ass. At least he has real superpowers unlike you. Also, he made money by endorsing Parle-G.


You on the other hand have been running after the same villain for the past 50 years. A villain who’s actually no more than a clown. It’s a good thing you don’t work here. If you can’t catch one Joker there, there’s no way you’d catch the thousands of Jokers here. Our country is filled with Jokers.


Batman: Come on, at least I have a good costume.

Me: Shut up loser, that costume is also a fraud just like you. I know you ordered it from Telebrands. You fool people by faking 6 pack abs on your costume. Underneath it lies your true jiggly, obese form.

You shouldn’t even be called Batman for that. You should be called FAT–MAN.

Batman: I’ll let you know, it’s made of high quality rubber. Even Spiderman and Superman use the same material.

Me: No they don’t. Spiderman’s costume is made out of Polyester while Superman wears Acrylic Nylon. It’s because you lie like this that you have so many problems.

Anyway, why are you here?

Batman: Ummm okay look, you must have heard of this whole Tata Nano Singur problem. Can you please make sure that the Tata Nano project doesn’t leave Singur?

Me: Why?

Batman: The thing is that because of the high cost of Petrol, I had negotiated a deal with Tata Motors to build a mini-Nano version of my car: The Bat Mobile, at Singur. Now Tata Motors won’t start building my car until they start a healthy production of the Nano. They had promised me that my car will be ready by November at least but if the Nano project moves somewhere else I’ll be forced to wait much longer. The cost of petrol is seriously going to drive me bankrupt in spite of me being a millionaire.

Me: Ah so even Batman outsources his work to India.

Batman: Completely, I believe in the ‘India Story’ just like you.

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Batman: Why!!!!???

Me: That’s because this entire problem is set in the land of the communists. I hate those guys. Ever since I helped Manmohan Singh retain his Prime Ministership, they’ve been looking to hurt me.Moreover, this problem was caused by the most dangerous weapon in Bengali politics. A billion decibel Weapon of Mass Destruction called Mamata Banerjee.

Batman: Yes I know. I’d have solved this problem myself but that lady scares the crap out of me. Please, you’ve got to help me.

Me: Hmmm...Okay .I won’t get involved but I’ll tell you who can help you.

Batman: Please, please!

Me: This is a feminist family problem; it needs a feminist family solution.

Batman: How is this a feminist family problem??????

Me: Shut up and listen loser.

This problem is being created by Mamata aka DIDI. You need to go and fall at the feet of her equally destructive sisters. Mayawati aka BEHENJI and Jayalalithaa aka AMMA.

If Amma and Behenji decide to help you, Didi has no chance. Those two combined can destroy half the Solar System by just talking on the mic.

Batman: You’re right; I’ll go to Tamil Nadu and then Uttar Pradesh right now.

Me: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Batman: What?

Me: My roof, shitbag!!!

Batman: Sorry, sorry.I’ll start the repair right now.

Me: Good and don’t disturb me for the next 2 days. I’m going to meet the next big thing in Indian politics.

Batman: Who?

Me: The man from the land of Cheppandi and founder of the Prajarajyam party:Chiranjeevi. Even he can kick your ass……LOSER. ”

Monday, August 25, 2008

What I Told The CII To Get A Standing Ovation

It’s tough work being the center of attention all the time. All the admiration, the flowers, the gifts, the autograph seekers, it’s exhausting.

This is why I’m happy the Olympics are finally over. This once in 4 year circus had people talking about useless things like Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. It’s time they started talking about me again.

Phelps this and Bolt that. I’m sick of the both of them and don’t have to hear about them for another 4 years.


Armchair critics have been inspired to be the next Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt. They want to swim 400 meters in world record time or even break Usain Bolt’s 100m world record. Why would anyone want to swim when the motorboat was invented? Why would anyone want to run 100 meters in under 10 seconds when you can buy a bike that goes from 0-100 in under five seconds?

It’s because I can think like this that I am the world’s 52nd richest man (officially,unofficially # 1) and made all that cash without running or swimming or jumping or diving.

I did it by investing smartly.


The Confederation of Indian Industries organized a seminar with me as the Chief Guest at Hyderabad last Friday. They gave the seminar a snazzy title “Sensational Sensex-Retrospect and Prospect”. Like Udayan Mukherjee they wanted to know how come I’m still making money off my equities when everyone else is getting their punk asses beat.

Duh!!If I told them, they’d be the ones getting rich and cutting into my profits.

So I just beat around the bush, gave them a few details from the government’s
statistics report that I described as ‘Top Secret Material’ when in fact anyone with half a brain can walk into a government office and ask for them. I made statements that seem important like If one in 10 people eats ice cream then the remaining nine are eating something else’ or If 9 out of 10 people are eating something else, then 1 is eating ice cream’

Boy were they astonished at my intelligence! They clapped like crazy. Just like how a Rockstar often says This Is the Greatest City Ever’ I said that ‘Hyderabad Rules. When in Zimbabwe I say ‘Zimbabwe Rules’. When in Sydney I say ‘Sydney Rules’. When in Shimla I say ‘Shimla Rules’. They clapped even more.

In order to confuse them I made contradictory statements like The Future Of Agriculture Is Exciting, It Will Drive Indian Growth Because An Agricultural Revolution Is Coming’ then I told them Don’t Buy Fertilizer Stocks Because They Won’t Give Good Returns’. It’s fun to look at them trying to figure out how an agricultural revolution will be possible without the growth of the fertilizer industry.

Then I cracked some jokes because I needed to exhaust the time. Referred to my wife a couple of times. Paid tribute to the Warbuff-Warren and spun stories about India’s growth. Told them how foreign companies would drive the value of my shares up because their money in the US needed to come here into our markets.

After that I gave them quotations that will be remembered forever like ‘Don’t Believe Someone When They Say Shit Doesn’t Smell’.

In other words I convinced them that I am a legend. They were so amazed that like Reality TV Show judges they gave me a Standing Ovation. They’ll continue to talk about me for years instead of Nuts, Bolts and Phelps.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

India Shining,A Big Boss Initiative

The Late Pramod Mahajan must have been alive to see the tremendous strides our great country has made since his death. His own campaign of ‘India Shining’ that cost the NDA the elections the last time may have been paraded around frivolously but today that campaign is a reality, the country is indeed shining.

The country is shining because Pramod Mahajan’s son Rahul Mahajan took it upon himself to make India shine on THE BIG BOSS TV Show. It is because of Rahul that the country has come to know the problems of extremely important people like Monica Bedi.Women across India have learnt how to be the girlfriend of a dreaded underworld gangster thanks to Monica. They have also learnt that India is a very forgiving country.


We truly practice Non-Violence. Which other country would embrace the love of one of the men who was responsible for killing so many in the Mumbai blasts of 1993?


Which other country would offer employment and a truckload of cash to someone who racially abuses one of our own.

India’s politicians are no longer dishonest. They strive to achieve social equality at any and all costs. Congress leader Sanjay Nirupam has decided that the Big Boss house is a better venue to do that instead of the Maharashtra Legislative Assembly. Because having 32 cameras follow your every movement from morning to night can once and for all prove that our politicians don’t take bribes.


Sherilyn Chopra is a role model for today’s women. Young women demand answers and transparency. Sherilyn propagates this by wearing transparent clothes. Young women are respectful and pay tribute to their elders after being inspired by Sherilyn’s tribute to Hema Malini in her latest music Video Dard-E–Sherilyn.

She refused to take part in Big Boss because the bloody producers refused to put cameras in the bathroom and toilets. Sherilyn suspected that Nirupam would be bribed in the bathrooms where there are no cameras. However her spokesperson said that she wanted Cameras even in the toilet because she wants everyone to know that even her FARTS are sexy.


If she goes to the toilet in the BIG Boss house, India will shine and experience Dard-E –Sherilyn.

That segment will be exclusively sponsored by the Ambani brothers who are fighting for gas.


Some of our leaders want reservation even in reality shows.10% reservation for Dalits.This profound idea was demonstrated by Mr.Athawale who strongly protested Nirupam’s entry into the show but not a member of his own community……namely himself. Dalit entry into Big Boss is more important than inflation .This man realized that which is why India is shining.

India is shining because two athletes have won medals.Sushil Kumar won a wrestling Bronze at the Beijing Olympics while Vijender is assured of a medal in boxing. Though why the nation is surprised is amazing.

The Sports Minister and the Indian Olympic Association always knew that we’d win medals in these events because our superiority in beating people up has always been excellent.

Many boxers and wrestlers have trained under the supervision of Leela Karan Sharma who heads the Amaranth Sangharsh Samiti.He teaches our athletes to win medals. The government provides its own policemen as sparring partners.

Why are we so angry always, Can’t anyone see India Is Shining?

Monday, August 18, 2008

I Always Knew I’d Win More Gold’s Than Michael Phelps, Only That I’d Do It In London And Not Beijing

Damn that Michael Phelps. Never ever has the world been fascinated by a half-boy/ half-man as they have with Michael Phelps. I don’t understand how people can pay to watch a guy who wins different variations of the same event and that too wearing Rubber pants that stifle the breathing of one’s reproductive organs.

Michael Phelps only knows the Butterfly stroke. Because the Americans want more medals and know that they can’t win the real events like the 100 meters they follow a basic stock market principle. One that I perfected. It’s called diversification.

Just like I invest in different shares in the same sector the Americans train their athletes to win only in one sector. They pick one guy in this case Michael Phelps and teach him how to win the same event over and over again.

That’s the only thing Phelps has done properly in Beijing, win the same event again and again. There really is no big deal in winning a 200 meter medley and a 400 meter medley. Then 3 relays where he performs the Butterfly stroke. Then the 100 meter Butterfly stroke and the 200 meter Butterfly stroke and some other race that I can’t remember.

The Chinese have also fallen for the charms of Michael Phelps. Even before he came to Beijing they had named the swimming pool where the Olympic races would be held as the ‘WATER CUBE’.

How could the Chinese known for such precise calculations make such a fundamental mistake?

Firstly the pool in Beijing is rectangular in shape. My advanced knowledge of Mathematics allows me to say that Beijing’s swimming pool is a CUBOID and not a CUBE because a cuboid is:

“A solid figure bounded by six rectangular faces. All angles are right angles, and opposite faces of a cuboid are equal. It is also a right rectangular prism. The term "rectangular or oblong prism" is ambiguous. Also the term rectangular parallelepiped is used.”


And a cube on the other hand is:

“A three-dimensional solid object bounded by six square faces, facets or sides, with three meeting at each vertex. The cube can also be called a regular hexahedron and is one of the five Platonic solids. It is a special kind of square prism, of rectangular parallelepiped and of 3-sided trapezohedron.”

Therefore Beijing’s Aquatic Center where Phelps won 8 Gold’s is a Cuboid and should be called the WATER CUBOID instead of the WATER CUBE.

The only explanation for this fallacy is that the Chinese were persuaded by the Americans to name their pool as a cube and not as a cuboid.

Nonetheless,

At the next Olympics in London My team and I will be competing and I am sure that I will win at least 10 Olympic Gold medals thereby breaking Michael Phelps’ record.

Tt These are the events that I will win Gold’s in. All in World Record time:
1. 1000 Points Equity Investing
2. 2000 Points Equity Investing
3. 500 Points Intra-Day Rally
4. 1000 Point Swap
5. 1000 Point Inter –Day Futures Trading.
6. 800 Points Security Attraction
7. Intra Day Bull Charge
8. 4 x 1000 Points Equity Investing Relay w/Team:




Rakesh Jhunjhunwala





Madhu Kela




Mini-J




Neeraj Roy



9.3 9. 500 Points Inter-day Futures Trading
10. 5 X 2000 Points Equity Short Selling Relay w/Team:

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

Madhu Kela

Neeraj Roy

Rekha Jhunjhunwala.

Therefore Most Gold Medals At a Single Olympics

Michael Phelps in Beijing = 8

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala in London = 10

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Don't Worry Hutchinson,Your Friend Is Here


Piyush Pandey made this ad for Independence Day.



video

Why can’t everyone leave Hutchinson.D.Pug alone?

Ever since the Chairman of Vodafone became an international icon and sex symbol, a World Record holder in cuteness, the filthy paparazzos have been following him around non-stop.

Hutchinson can’t do anything in private. He can’t pee, he can’t crap.He can’t even smell other dogs’ butts in peace.

No respected CEO of a major World Telecom Company should be treated like this.

All of this was a deliberate ploy by Arun Sarin.Ex-CEO of Vodafone .Back in May, Hutchinson and I came up with a plan to fire Arun Sarin and since then he’s been on Hutchinson’s tail seeking revenge.

People think Arun Sarin is a great man. He isn’t. He’s a selfish prick who always wanted to displace Hutchinson as the boss of Vodafone. Not only that, he wanted to displace Hutchinson from Vodafone’s Board of Directors.

Luckily for Hutchinson, a friend like me came to his aid and we turned the tables on Arun Sarin.

Back in 2007 itself Arun Sarin teamed up with ad film maker and intellectual jackass-Piyush Pandey and drew top secret plans to humiliate Hutchinson. They had Hutchinson follow a little boy in their ads back when Vodafone India was still Hutch. This led to Hutchinson losing face in the Dog World as many other dogs not only thought he was gay but also a pedophile who preys on little boys.

This resulted in the dogs arresting him and throwing him in jail where he served a 7 month sentence. Thanks to my impressive team of lawyers Hutchinson was released as no evidence of pedophilia was found.

Having cleared his name Hutchinson returned as the rightful chairman of Vodafone but Arun Sarin was still jealous. He tried to humiliate him further this time by making Piyush Pandey persuade Hutchinson to stalk little girls instead of boys.

This wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was how easily the duo of Arun Sarin and Piyush Pandey humiliated the chairman of the World’s largest and richest Telecom company by performing paltry deeds in front of a little girl.

They had him lick stamps...

They had him lick even more stamps…

They had him carry DIRTY, FILTHY, Fungi infested Bacterial socks in his mouth. Hutchinson caught Pneumonia because of this and almost died.

Once again thanks to me he survived. I took him to the best available Veterinary Doctor on this planet. The Chief Veterinary Officer of Orbit White Chewing Gum. Dr. Bhatavdekar, Animal Specialist. It is a true...

There was an assassination attempt made on his life by Arun Sarin who used the pretext of an ad film to have him chase a bus with a tie in his mouth and almost ran him over with a vehicle.

I brought this serious matter to the attention of the Animal Welfare Board of India who prevented further assassination attempts on Hutchinson’s life. I also asked Diwan Nanda of Tops Group to provide him 24 x 7 ‘Z+++’ category security.

After realizing that taking Hutchinson’s life wouldn’t be so easy. Arun Sarin used the paparazzi to create a nervous breakdown in him. He had them photograph every movement of his.

The paparazzi snapped photographs when ever Hutchinson slipped and fell while climbing stairs…

When Hutchinson tried to be a Good Samaritan and helped injured girls…

This was the worst. They snuck into his house and took disgusting photographs of his private parts when he was sleeping..

This was the last straw for me. No one treats my friend like this and gets away with it. Afterall I am Bhai, Rakesh Bhai.

Immediately I had my lawyers stall the release of those photos by obtaining a High Court Injunction. The lawyers were headed by Ram Jethmalani who proved it was a Sardarji from Planet Jupiter in the photos and not Hutchinson.

And now using my status as Bhai, I sent the underworld after Arun Sarin.

He’s pissing in his pants, scared for his life. So much so that he’s decided to hide in the Himalayas.

Problem solved. With Hutchinson I rule the Indian Telecom scene.

At the end of the day, Hutchinson is lucky to have a friend like me. What would he do without me?

Monday, August 11, 2008

It's Their Fault We Don't Win More Olympic Medals


Four days ago I was in Beijing. I was invited by the secret Capitalists in China’s Communist Party. In Beijing’s Bird’s Nest Stadium, I enjoyed watching Chinese people running around doing things I didn’t understand.


While the fireworks were going off, I met Mr. K.A.A. Arunachalam, the CEO of Standard Fireworks based in Sivakasi. Apparently Standard Fireworks won the contract to supply fireworks for the Beijing Olympics. Either he was lying which meant he was trying to figure out how to make better fireworks or he was telling the truth which I find hard to believe since Standard’s Diwali fireworks always fizzle out instead of blowing up.

After the opening ceremony, I ordered a Gobi Manchurian at a posh Beijing restaurant. The waitress thought I was crazy especially after I told her that the Gobi Manchurian is an authentic Chinese dish. She said that no where in China is a dish called Gobi Manchurian ever served and it was definitely not made in China.

After that I returned, I do wish I had stayed back and watched Abhinav Bindra win the Gold Medal at the shooting event.

Instead I caught the ensuing fiasco on TV. It’s ironic how everybody else kept talking about the Gold Medal but not Abhinav himself.

The media monkeys went and talked to every Tom, Dick and Harry on the street and asked them how they felt that a guy they had never even heard of won a Gold Medal. Celebrities hailed Abhinav as a Hero.TV anchors asked people to SMS their comments that Abhinav will not read congratulating his victory.

So much gallata! for a Gold Medal.

Surely we can win MORE.I believe in the India growth story. We can win a lot more Gold Medals. The only reason we do not is because the International Community doesn’t allow events that Indians are good at in the Olympics.

Saurav Ganguly and Stephen Fleming made a case for Twenty 20 as an Olympic sport. Surely we’d win at that. However, the IOC is still ‘considering’ it because a sport that is watched by a third of the planet is less of an Olympic sport compared to something like Pole-Vault.

A sport that some genius high on cocaine invented when he decided to give some peckerhead a long stick and told him to jump over another stick way up in the air. Even Ice Skating is an Olympic sport. The IOC thinks that watching a guy and a girl moving around in tight rubber pants is more exciting than seeing Yuvraj Singh hit Stuart Broad for 6 sixes in an over.

For the foreigners, 1 more time--> The Dumb Shits.

Some other sports that if allowed India will undoubtedly excel in are:

Pissing:

We practice this all the time. Sometimes a technical genius like this fellow prefers to train alone….

These 2 guys would have definitely won a Gold Medal in Synchronized Pissing, see how hard they train despite the lure of sexy women. Such dedication moves me to tears….

These guys train even in the night. They had to make do with training privately on streets because Indian pissing facilities are simply not world class, just like Abhinav said…..

This fellow is so determined, its mind blowing. Despite all the commotion and strife he still trains every day for 12-13 hours…..

This fellow trains in private……

We would also easily win in the team event at pissing……

Even the coach trains…..

The future is bright. Young Chinese athletes train to be gymnasts, so what? Even young Indians train to be champion pissers……

India would also win medals at this event.

Foreigners may try…..

But do they practice as hard as we do?

Even Our women are up to it...

This guy is also a spokesperson for PAAN SPITTING at the Olympics. The IOC should listen to him, he’s famous….

The US actively tries to prevent the Olympic sport of FURNITURE TOSS. Don’t believe me; see how badly their media portrays our dedicated athletes…

If Stock Marketing was an OLYMPIC Sport, There is no way anyone could ever beat this guy…

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