Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Marketing Lessons To IIM Kapoor - Part 1

Deep in the Bay of Bengal lies the prime elitist management institution of the country. A top secret government facility created solely to provide India and the world with a never ending supply of Management and Marketing Professionals.

It is the most important IIM in the country and is called the IIM-BOB (INDIAN INSTITUTE OF MANAGEMENT-BAY OF BENGAL).In order to get into this institution one needs to be able to convince others that there is something wrong with their company ALL THE TIME and only a management or marketing expert can solve it for a few Crores each month.

Ever since I helped BATMAN, everybody wants my advice on how to deal with this economic crisis without spending 700 Billion Dollars. One such person who most recently wanted my advice is the most recent graduate from the IIM-BOB.A guy so dedicated to the IIM’s that he changed his name to IIM Kapoor. This is what happened when I met him:

Me: So how’s your job at Infosys?

IIM Kapoor: I don’t work at Infosys anymore. I’m from the IIM. It’s a fundamental rule to change my job every two weeks otherwise I’d never be a good management professional from the IIM.

I quit Infosys quite a while back. Since then I’ve worked at Wipro, Reliance, TCS and even Balaji Telefims.I also worked for the Tata Group and the Birla Group and Airtel. After this I worked for Videocon and Coca Cola. In the middle I also worked as a Fashion Model and played Cricket for the Baroda Ranji team till I got a better job which I finally took up as a marketing professional for a shampoo company.

Me: So you sell shampoos now.

IIM Kapoor: NEVER! I only find ways for people to buy shampoos.

Me: Is that going well for you?

IIM Kapoor: No and that’s the problem. I need your help. People are so depressed in today’s economic environment that they won’t buy shampoo if you don’t give them 700 billion dollars first. I beg of you to help me market my shampoos or else I’ll lose my job, not that I’ll hang around till that happens. I’ll anyway change my job but I still don’t want to be fired.

Me: OK, let’s get started.

IIM Kapoor: Great! I’ve got these things with me to help:-

1.) A 10 kilometer long growth chart indicating every dip and rise in shampoo sales.

2.) 14,000 graphs to help analyze the rate of depreciation of the human scalp.

3.) A 21,000 point agenda to deal with Dandruff.

4.) A list of Film Actors with perfectly fine hair who will say on TV that they had bad hair before using our shampoo.

5.) A map of all possible roads leading to the High Courts of every state capital in case any of our customers sue us for selling them bad shampoo.

6.) My IIM-BOB T-shirt, Pen and Teddy Bear.

And lastly the phone number of the local gangster to kidnap Prahlad Kakkar and Alyque Padamsee to make our TV ads.

Me: You moron! None of these things will work. Don’t you know anything about the shampoo industry in India?

IIM Kapoor: What do you mean? ”


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