Wednesday, October 15, 2008

It Was Charu Sharma's Fault

Someone from Jet Airways forwarded this to me. It’s a letter from Dr.Vijay Mallya to the ex-employees of Jet Airways.


Dear fired Jet employee,

You must be wondering why I’m writing this letter to you instead of Naresh Goyal. After all he was the one who fired you, not me .But, you must realize that since yesterday I’ve been doing Naresh’s work and Naresh has been doing mine.I’ve never liked Naresh Goyal, In fact I’ve always wished that Goyal would GO AWAY.

My dislike for Naresh has been so much that I started my own airline company called Kingfisher Airlines just to upset Naresh and his Jet Airways. After this I started charging exorbitant prices for my plane tickets. To keep up with the competition Naresh did the same thing. As a result of this ordinary people started to travel by train instead of plane.

Both our airlines started to lose cash which is when we decided to come together. Naresh Goyal is today My New Best Friend. Freaky huh!

It was a ‘Good Business Decision’ to become friends with Naresh. There is an economic crisis of some sort going on which suits me fine because I can then use that as an excuse to tell people why my airline is doing so badly.

People have been unable to realize that my airlines has lost even more money than Jet Airways . This is because as a billionaire I’ve been putting my cash in other places.I’ve invested heavily in the swimsuit calendar making industry. I am probably the only man who has been unable to sell photos of half naked sexy women because despite selling these calendars at a very cheap price, people have been downloading them for free off the internet.

I have also lost a lot of money because I was busy buying cricket teams which will never win .My advisors like Charu Sharma failed to tell me that the IPL is a 20/20 format and not a Test Cricket championship. I have of course fired him but I am still stuck with Wasim Jaffer and Sunil Joshi wearing sunglasses and singing ‘Royal Challengers Ka Josh Hain’.

While all of this was going on I also lost money on a car racing team. Once again Charu Sharma told me that by buying an F1 racing team and spending millions of dollars in changing its name to ‘Force India’, I would be able to make money. Once again Charu was wrong because my F1 team either fails to start a race or fails to finish a race because my stupid drivers keep crashing my Million Dollar cars.

All these losses have been compounded by my purchase of another airline company called Air Deccan which was offering free tickets. The losses they suffered had to be borne by me and therefore I lost even more money.

So when Naresh Goyal finally met me and asked if I too was having a liquidity problem?

I said what liquidity problem? I own the UB Group!

My financial advisors then reminded me that Liquidity Problems in financial terms referred to losses which I was having plenty of.

Therefore I joined hands with my new best friend Naresh Goyal. I’m very sorry that you people lost your jobs but you see listening to Charu Sharma is harmful to your bank balance.

I propose that we discuss this situation in a civilized way. All of you have resorted to asking Raj Thackeray for his help.

I request you not to do that. I’m scared of him. The last guy who messed with him ended up in hospital.


Dr.Vijay Mallya.

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