Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What Did I Do This Diwali?

Like a spiritual guru, on Diwali day I grant Darshan to stock brokers. All of them say nice things to me and ask me for advice. After getting a doctorate from the University Of Lakshadweep I will be known as Dr. Jhunjhunwala and considering my spiritual credentials I will be known as Sri Sri Jhunjhunwala. Therefore I will be boldly known as Sri Sri Dr.Dr.Jhunjhunwala.

Over the Diwali weekend I met Priyanka Chopra on UTVi. UTVi needed a show to bolster their TV ratings and who else can boost ratings apart from me. Priyanka is irrelevant. The basic idea was for me to pretend that I am interested in Priyanka’s life and thus ask her questions about her life while she being genuinely interested in my life tried to get some free market advice…THE SKANK.

That girl didn’t even let me speak. The ratio of words spoken by her compared to words spoken by me were 29098809787797767769068775355153401:2 and the ratio of times she adjusted her hair compared to the times I adjusted my hair was 98965876674587253433333333333543541.35 x 56 :0.

Maybe I could have tortured her by making her watch LoveStory 2050 but I’m a good man. Priyanka acted in that film with Harman Baweja because he has 6 pack abs. Most men would be intimidated by him, not me. He may have 6 pack abs but I have 6 pack fat. I can crush him between my fingers.

After the interview I went to the BSE’s Muhurat trading session. I was forced to wear a ridiculous Sherwani.However the Diwali Muhurat session of the BSE always gives me the chance to indulge in eating free sweets paid for by SEBI.My wife had appointed spies to make sure that I don’t eat too many sweets. She’s worried about my diabetes, such a good woman. My own spies said that 1 of the spies was a guy named VESTOR who is currently in hiding. I shall soon find out about VESTOR from people who know about him. People like KNOW VESTOR.

Then I had to do another TV show with CNBC TV18.I protested heavily that this show was hosted by Udayan Mukherjee. Only cute chicks like Mitali Mukherjee or Shereen Bahn should interview me. What a step down it is to go from being interviewed by Priyanka Chopra to that dork Udayan.

It was some sort of an analysis show.CNBC had also invited Shankar Sharma .He was there as Udayan’s bodyguard because Udayan is scared of me. I debated with Shankar Sharma and Samir Arora of some capital company for 40 minutes, then collected my appearance fee and went home.

At least it was good that I sat in the studio with Shankar Sharma and not his wife Devina Mehra whose only objective in life seems to be to contradict whatever I say but I’m not the one who uses center shock chewing gum to style my hair. I call her Crazy Kung-Fu Hair Lady.

I’ve lost over 50% of my portfolio in the past 6 months but I’m still rich enough to be interviewed by Priyanka Chopra. So suck on that Technical Analysts, Samir Arora, Shankar Sharma, Ambareesh Baliga & Ashwani Gujral.

Even in a Bear Market, I’m King.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dr. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Recommendation Committee

My life has been so busy the past week. I had to deal with a Sensex that kept changing as many times as Himesh Reshammiya’s hairstyle. Then I had to go on every TV channel from NDTV to CNN-IBN to CNBC & UTVi. I had to make appearances even on Fashion TV, Pogo, Nickelodeon and Aastha channel. All of this had to be done because as a market genius I am required by law to spread my infinite knowledge through the television medium especially when there’s a crisis.

However my troubles have been compounded by the damn government. I was hoping to celebrate Diwali this weekend and monitor my diabetes levels but the government, the SEBI and RBI have asked me to prepare a classified report detailing the reasons why the markets are falling. I don’t appreciate being told by the government what to do.

But I’ve agreed to do it anyway because the government has promised me an honorary doctorate from the University Of Lakshadweep in return for my efforts. In future I will be known as Dr. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. My report will also be published after this crisis is over under the name “The Jhunjhunwala Report 2008: Recommendations Of The Rakesh Jhunjhunwala Committee-Headed By Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, Written By Rakesh Jhunjhunwala With Music And Lyrics By Anu Malik”.

It will become a case study for economic students worldwide. Some communists will try to discredit my report when it is tabled in parliament. It will be fun to watch them scream their lungs off and throw their hands up in the air. It weakens their hearts and increases their blood pressure thus decreasing their life expectancy rate.

Some of my recommendations will be:

  • Ban SHORT Sellers: People under the height of Four Feet should be banned from trading on the Sensex. Especially people like He Ping Ping, the Guinness World Record holder for being the world’s shortest man. He Ping Ping is a notorious short seller whose actions always lead to the Sensex falling.
  • Ban SHORTS Sellers: Some loose characters think that the BSE is an open market to sell shorts. Traders and Hindi film heroines are busy buying shorts from shorts sellers. If the traders keep buying shorts and keep looking at heroines like Mallika Sherawat buying shorts, who will buy stocks?

  • Ban the Capital: There is enough capital in the market. The biggest financial institutions SEBI, RBI, IMF and FII are all spelt with capital letters; there is no need for more capital. In fact small letters must be used to spell financial institutions.
  • Don’t ban the Bajrang Dal and MNS: Institutions like the MNS and Bajrang Dal destroy public property as a result of which Indian industries need to manufacture more products and increase their output in order to replace everything broken or burnt in an MNS/Bajrang Dal riot. Companies will therefore increase their revenues due to extra sales which will lead to higher stock prices which will lead to a higher Sensex.

Finally, investors like Rakesh Jhunjhunwala must be requested to buy shares of blue chip companies at face value of Rs.10 and not market values. The government must also provide these shares tax free and declare dividends of 700 Billion Dollars/share.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Was At IIT Bombay,People Clapped

Since I am a famous man who is also rich and is famous for being rich I get invited a lot to give speeches and presentations. I go to these things because I get some free publicity and invariably after every speech and presentation I get to hear people who are less smarter than me clap at the things I just said.

Yesterday I gave a presentation at IIT Bombay (read Mumbai if you’re Raj Thackeray or Orange Guy).IIT Bombay organizes these cultural festivals which are supposed to ‘enlighten and empower’ their young students. I give presentations at IIT Bombay because many of their students are convinced that I am a ‘revolutionary leader’ and a ‘brilliant mind’ which I am but if they think that then it makes it easier for me to hire them to work for me at lower salaries.

So I gave a presentation on the global financial turmoil at IIT Bombay’s AVENUES cultural festival. I used Microsoft PowerPoint to show my slides because I am powerful and I need to make a point. As the slides changed I drank coke. I used big terms like ‘regulation’ , ‘liquidity’ ,’growth’,’ bull run’ and ‘India story’.

The students of IIT Bombay clapped and gave me a standing ovation. Pleased with this, I decided to answer a few questions.

Q: Sir, do you think that the US bailing out its banks with 700 billion dollars and the RBI bailing out Indian mutual funds with 20,000 Crore is a good thing?

A: It is a wonderful act of human kindness. People with very little money will part with whatever little they have left by paying higher taxes in order to provide rich people with 700 billion dollars and 20,000 crores. Such acts of selflessness should be rewarded with a free Colgate Toothbrush.

Q: How will you avoid paying higher taxes?

A: I have registered myself as a farmer under the Farm Loan Waiver Scheme. I do not have to pay any taxes or loans. In fact I can legally charge the government to pay me tax or repay any loans I have or will take.

Q: Do you think that India’s expensive moon mission ‘Chandrayaan’ has caused high inflation?

A: I fail to understand why the government wants to spend billions of dollars to study the moon’s surface. My research shows me that the moon’s surface is filled with potholes and craters. Such potholes and craters can be studied on many Indian roads which are naturally endowed with potholes and craters.

Q: Are you planning to invest in Sri Lanka?

A: Yes, I have been mightily impressed with the Colombo stock exchange. I have full faith that my investments in Sri Lanka will be safe. If the value of my investment starts to drop I can always appeal to the DMK because it is the only party willing to bring down the Indian government at the cost of saving Sri Lanka.

Q: Which industry do you see as the next big thing in India?

A: The mining industry IS going to be the next big thing because companies will be manufacturing specialized equipment to rescue children who have fallen into deep trenches, holes and bore wells.

Q: What do you think of Himesh Reshammiya?

A: That guy is a genius. People don’t realize their watching the exact same movie as he acted in was made 30 years earlier and is now available on DVD for a third of the price of the movie ticket + he sings through his nose and adds extra letters to his film titles. I’m off to watch his latest film. Bye!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

It Was Charu Sharma's Fault

Someone from Jet Airways forwarded this to me. It’s a letter from Dr.Vijay Mallya to the ex-employees of Jet Airways.


Dear fired Jet employee,

You must be wondering why I’m writing this letter to you instead of Naresh Goyal. After all he was the one who fired you, not me .But, you must realize that since yesterday I’ve been doing Naresh’s work and Naresh has been doing mine.I’ve never liked Naresh Goyal, In fact I’ve always wished that Goyal would GO AWAY.

My dislike for Naresh has been so much that I started my own airline company called Kingfisher Airlines just to upset Naresh and his Jet Airways. After this I started charging exorbitant prices for my plane tickets. To keep up with the competition Naresh did the same thing. As a result of this ordinary people started to travel by train instead of plane.

Both our airlines started to lose cash which is when we decided to come together. Naresh Goyal is today My New Best Friend. Freaky huh!

It was a ‘Good Business Decision’ to become friends with Naresh. There is an economic crisis of some sort going on which suits me fine because I can then use that as an excuse to tell people why my airline is doing so badly.

People have been unable to realize that my airlines has lost even more money than Jet Airways . This is because as a billionaire I’ve been putting my cash in other places.I’ve invested heavily in the swimsuit calendar making industry. I am probably the only man who has been unable to sell photos of half naked sexy women because despite selling these calendars at a very cheap price, people have been downloading them for free off the internet.

I have also lost a lot of money because I was busy buying cricket teams which will never win .My advisors like Charu Sharma failed to tell me that the IPL is a 20/20 format and not a Test Cricket championship. I have of course fired him but I am still stuck with Wasim Jaffer and Sunil Joshi wearing sunglasses and singing ‘Royal Challengers Ka Josh Hain’.

While all of this was going on I also lost money on a car racing team. Once again Charu Sharma told me that by buying an F1 racing team and spending millions of dollars in changing its name to ‘Force India’, I would be able to make money. Once again Charu was wrong because my F1 team either fails to start a race or fails to finish a race because my stupid drivers keep crashing my Million Dollar cars.

All these losses have been compounded by my purchase of another airline company called Air Deccan which was offering free tickets. The losses they suffered had to be borne by me and therefore I lost even more money.

So when Naresh Goyal finally met me and asked if I too was having a liquidity problem?

I said what liquidity problem? I own the UB Group!

My financial advisors then reminded me that Liquidity Problems in financial terms referred to losses which I was having plenty of.

Therefore I joined hands with my new best friend Naresh Goyal. I’m very sorry that you people lost your jobs but you see listening to Charu Sharma is harmful to your bank balance.

I propose that we discuss this situation in a civilized way. All of you have resorted to asking Raj Thackeray for his help.

I request you not to do that. I’m scared of him. The last guy who messed with him ended up in hospital.


Dr.Vijay Mallya.

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