Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What Does 'Sad Boy' Mean?

So let me get this straight:

The old Home Minister is sitting at home.

The old Finance Minister is the new Home Minister.

The current Prime Minister is in the same hospital run by doctors who hate the current Health Minister.

The Foreign Minister is the acting Prime Minister AND Foreign Minister AND Finance Minister.

Can anybody tell me WTF is going on????

Things that used to mean something mean something else. People who were supposed to do one thing are doing something else. In such a dire situation I have no choice but to start redefining some words so that people finally know what they exactly mean:


1.) Used to indicate a resident of Chanchalguda Jail in Andhra Pradesh who was once the chairman of a major computer company and landed in jail for fraud.

2.) Indicates a man who is the head of India’s new National Investigative Agency. A man who will in future investigate the inhabitants of Chanchalguda Jail, especially one inmate called RAJU.

The above is illustrated in the following example: RAJU of the NIA is currently investigating RAJU of Satyam while RAJU is cracking jokes about both RAJUs and a fourth RAJU has offered to teach any and all RAJUs the art of left arm spin bowling.

ICC -An abbreviation-A body of people in suits who manage the sport of cricket but themselves haven’t played a single day of cricket in their entire lives. They have been known to complicate things by using something called the Duckworth-Lewis method which allows cricket teams that have won the match to lose by a margin of more runs than actually scored and by more wickets than actually available.

Bull: A sexy beast that invests in the stock market.

Bear: The natural enemy of the bull, created by GOD to piss the bull off to ridiculous proportions.

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala: India’s biggest and sexiest bull.

Shankar Sharma: A bear created solely to piss Rakesh Jhunjhunwala off to ridiculous proportions.

HDFC Sad boy: A little boy who acts in HDFC’s Standard Life Insurance ads and is unhappy that his dad might one day go missing.

Slumdog Millionaire :A film made by a non-Indian to show the rest of the world how beautiful the dirtiest parts of India are and also a film that finally allowed Anil Kapoor to stand in a room without Subhash Ghai spying on him.

Deepika Padukone: A girl who could have dated the captain of the Indian cricket team or the dude who hit six 6’s in an over but instead decided to date the dude who showed his butt to Sanjay Leela Bhansali and 32,000 extras on the set of Saawariya.

Ram Sethu: A bridge that used to connect India and Sri Lanka but has now been destroyed.

V.Prabhakaran: A Sri Lankan terrorist who wishes that the Ram Sethu had not been destroyed because if it was still there he could use it to enter India and visit his friend Vaiko’s house especially at a time when the Sri Lankan army is kicking his LTTE’s ass.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Sharad Rao Wants CHANGE

Sharad Rao is angry but then again Sharad Rao is always angry. Sharad Rao is officially known in Mumbai as the man who can move any BUS from Point A to Point B.I share a sense of similarity with Sharad Rao as I too can move a particular stock from Point A to Point B or even Point C. The difference is that while I do it on the Sensex or the Nifty, Sharad Rao moves stuff on the roads of Mumbai.

He isn’t a driver but he is the most important member of the BEST Transport Workers Union. Sometimes Sharad Rao is the General Secretary of the union, sometimes he is the Managing Director.

Sharad Rao is the #1 headache causer to the management of BEST. His ability to cause headaches is so legendary that whenever he announces that the workers of BEST will go on strike, I immediately invest in a pharmaceutical company that makes headache tablets. BEST employees buy headache tablets in large numbers and that automatically drives up the value of my pharma investment which is when I sell the stock to reap my profits.

Truly Sharad Rao is a good man.

Recently Sharad Rao has been inspired by Barack Obama and has taken up the cause of the BUS CONDUCTORS of the BEST Buses. The bus conductors of BEST buses are fed up that passengers do not tend them exact CHANGE for a bus ticket. Sharad Rao has promised to make the issue of ‘CHANGE’ a big deal just like Obama and has written a letter to the bus conductors saying that like Obama the bus conductors of Mumbai need CHANGE.

As usual I happen to have a copy of this letter:


Dear Bus Conductors of Mumbai’s BEST Buses,

For far too long you have suffered under the injustice of the Maharashtra government’s oppressive regimes. We have for long asked them to provide a better environment to the brave bus conductors of Mumbai but the only conductor they seem to be interested in appeasing is Zubin Mehta who has no special talent apart from waving his short stick to a room full of people.

Further more, the government has let the situation worsen to such an extent that even the public who board the buses have begun to take advantage of us.

We have tried many tactics to deal with this situation but have failed. Let us however not lose hope.

We can find inspiration in this difficult time within the life story of one Barack Hussein Obama.Obama was an ordinary guy like the most of us till one day he said “WE NEED CHANGE”.People listened to him and now he’s the President of the USA.

Likewise we too should ask the people of Mumbai to give us CHANGE.

CHANGE is hard and it comes in different quantities like 25 paise,50 paise,1 rupee, 2 rupees and 5 rupees but we need to believe in CHANGE because only if we believe in CHANGE can we get metal+alloy coins.

How many of us have suffered like Mangu Ram Patil who has to buy mangoes from the mango seller at a traffic signal just to get CHANGE? And only because the people who board the buses pay Mangu Ram in notes of 50 and Hundred, sometimes even Five Hundred all for a ticket of Rupees Five.

There are many Mangu Rams who work as bus conductors on BEST buses.

When will people realize that bus conductors are a class that struggle everyday without CHANGE.

When will guys like Danny Boyle who made Slumdog Millionaire deem our lives as important as the people in Slumdog Millionaire and make a film about how the brave BEST bus conductors of Mumbai struggle without CHANGE.

When will the world realize that the government does nothing to persuade Danny Boyle to make a film about us?

Does the world even know that we don’t even get free tickets to Slumdog Millionaire and have to make do with movies produced and directed by Yogesh Chabria like Slumdog Happionaire?

Nonetheless my friends, our struggle for CHANGE will continue and I am sure that one day we will be victorious for everybody wants CHANGE and everybody needs CHANGE and nobody wants CHANGE more than the BEST bus conductors of Mumbai.

Because without CHANGE, counting becomes difficult.

I promise to do everything I can to make sure that the BEST bus conductors of Mumbai get the CHANGE you so rightly deserve.

Yours Changingly,

25 Time General Secretary of the BEST Transport Workers Union,

Sharad Rao.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Run People Run

For the past few days people have been asking where the hell I’ve been ? Well, I’ve been training for the Mumbai Marathon. The reason I decided to run the marathon yesterday is because it proves to be helpful to me in the following ways:

a) I have diabetes; running in a marathon helps one to keep cholesterol levels in check.

b) All famous and important people were running the marathon. I am famous and important; it was therefore my duty to run.

c) A lot of my Kenyan friends run the Mumbai marathon. I got to meet them and discuss some contracts for the Nairobi stock exchange.

d) My wife says I should lose weight. Running a marathon helps one lose weight according to her. It is usually at this point that I tell her that weight is a scientific concept and that weight is relative to the gravity of a planet. She doesn’t understand this which is when I tell her that had we been on the moon I will be extremely light and the correct scientific quantity that I lose should be calculated in terms of body mass and not weight.

e) A marathon also gives away free stuff like a complimentary t-shirt and a bottle of mineral water.I like free stuff.

f) The media monkeys described it as an event for peace .I went to the marathon hoping that I would get PEACE ,all I got instead with the T-shirt and water was a packet of frozen Safal brand PEAS.

My training paid off. I was able to complete one whole lap. I could have easily won the race instead of Kenyan Kenneth Mugara but realized that once the cameras were off, there was no point in running.

Therefore I called up mini-j. He immediately arrived with my car and personally drove me to the finish line. Why walk when you can run? Why run when you can drive? Why drive when someone else can drive you.

Before the marathon, I also set up a hospital foundation so that the over excited people who ran the marathon and developed health problems in the process can take treatment there. Since this marathon is an annual event I expect a lot of people to develop health problems after running it each year, thus allowing me to make abundant revenues.

Another long term investment success for me.

Meanwhile, there in the USA American people are excited that Barack Obama will finally become President. Barack Obama is also excited that he will become president. He travelled by train to his own inauguration. He took a train because he couldn’t go by car. American car companies have stopped making cars because they’re in need of a bailout. They did get a bailout but it wasn’t to the tune of 700 billion dollars, so this is how they protest.

The world will talk about Obama but in the middle of all this the world must not forget the one man who made the world a much more interesting place.A dude who proved that even somebody like him could be the World’s 2nd most powerful man.

Let us never forget one of the world’s greatest men of all time.The man called Bush.

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