So I was CHILLAXING at home.Chillaxing is a good word and it fits in with my hip, young and trendy image.
In mathematical form the word CHILLAX can be represented as the sum of two words:
CHILL + RELAX = CHILLAX.
Chillaxing with me was my good friend and the boss of Reliance Mutual Fund , Madhu Kela. We were discussing my expert comments delivered on NDTV 24x7 to Side Ways Head Shaking Journalist Woman - Shweta Rajpal Kohli.
We concluded that I was brilliant and deserved an award for ‘Best Expert Comments given by an Expert Commentator in the Field of Expert Commenting On Television’.
After Madhu left, I listened to Bobby Jindal aka Bobby-J’s newest rap single ‘Bobby-J Likez To Do That Shitzz With The Ladiez Featuring A.R Rahman Singing Jai Hoes’
I was midway through the song when one of the many phones in my house rang.
Me: Hello I’m Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. You are not my wife, if you were you’d have called me on my cell phone.
Since you didn’t call me on my cell phone, for the purposes of this conversation you may call me Mr.Jhunjhunwala or Sir Ji.
My friends call me Rocky J.
As the Ganglord of the Bombay Stock Exchange I am called Rakesh Bhai. Samjha kya eh edey?
Forbes Magazine calls me The World’s 1062nd richest man.
My daughter calls me Papa.
My wife calls me The Sexy Beast™ and I call myself The Master Stockbreaker©.
I am called all these things, what are you called?
Me: Why are you called Daddu?
Daddu: Millions of years ago I was sitting under a tree with a monkey friend in a forest. A magical piece of soft chewy candy fell from the sky. My monkey friend offered that piece of candy to me but I refused since I can’t eat candy because I have diabetes.
However my monkey friend ate that piece of candy and started running madly through the forest. By the time he returned he had turned into the species now known as MAN or Homo sapiens.
Ever since my monkey friend became a man he has stopped being my friend. He uses me for all sorts of menial work.
He calls me Daddu and since then I have been called Daddu and have been classified under the species 'Donkey'.
My life story has been captured in an ad for the Mentos Company.
After watching this ad I have concluded that ‘Mentos: Dimaag Ki Batii Jalaa De’ is responsible for evolution and Charles Darwin is full of shit.
Me: Okay, why have you called me?
Daddu: I want your help; I want to become a MARTYR.
Me: But why?
Daddu: For far too long the donkeys have been ignored, we have carried stuff on our backs for years. For decades we have suffered silently as man has overworked us and underpaid us. We have silently protested by standing in the middle of the road and eating out of the garbage bin.
But no one cares. It is time for our cause to be highlighted. No longer will the donkeys be troubled by man.
If I become a martyr then someone will make a film on my martyrdom. The film will open people’s eyes and change the way they treat us. Soon their kindness will pave the way for us donkeys to be elected to governments across the world. After being elected we will bring about change and make this world a better place for donkeys and humans.
Maybe the film will be nominated for an Oscar.
I have already thought of the title:
‘Daddu: A Donkey’s Life’
Me:Mmm, so you want change like that Obama fellow or Sharad Rao.
Daddu: No,no,no! I want to be a martyr so that someone will make a movie on my life which will lead to a pseudo democratic setup headed by donkeys which will bring about change.
Me: I realize now why you’re a donkey. Couldn’t you have just eaten the Mentos that fell from the sky and avoided all this gallata?
Daddu: I told you that I’m diabetic.
Me: Even I’m diabetic but I always eat what I want.
Daddu: Okay I Lied. I didn’t eat that Mentos because it was not in Strawberry Flavor. It was plain and I don’t like plain flavored Mentos.
Me: Okay listen up donkey, this is how you become a martyr.
Start a war between two countries and enroll yourself in the army of one of the two. Get yourself stationed on the warfront and when an opposing soldier shoots don’t duck. Get shot in the head. That way you will die. Everyone will cry at your funeral and call you a martyr.
Daddu: I don’t want to be this martyr because I’m scared of getting my beautiful face damaged by bullets.
Me: When terrorists attack a famous hotel you could get shot trying to protect your country. Then too you will be called a martyr.
Daddu: I don’t want to be this martyr because people will forget me after sometime. They won’t make a movie on my martyrdom without adding two or three item numbers first by Yana Gupta or Malaika.
Me:You could become a terrorist yourself but in this case they will call you a ‘Shahid’ and not a martyr.
Daddu: I know I’m a donkey but even I will not be known as the guy who used to go around with a skank like Kareena Kapoor.
Me: You could decline becoming the Prime Minister of India and once again they will call you a martyr.
Daddu: But I don’t know Italian flavored Hindi.
Me: How about becoming a martyr by being convicted under the Arms Act, going to jail, coming out on bail, staying out on bail. Acting in MUNNABHAI MBBS and then joining a party whose lone English speaking member looks like Humpty Dumpty’s distant cousin? And later martyring your seat thanks to a Supreme Court decision?
Daddu: But Sirji I am a donkey, I only have legs and no arms. How can I be convicted under the Arms act?
Me: Tell me would you like to be considered a martyr in Japan like me?
Daddu: How did you become a martyr in Japan?
Me: I teamed up with Japanese Bank and invested 15% in a joint Indo-Japanese mutual fund. Now the Japanese call me a martyr and send me free packets of Top Ramen Noodles.
Daddu: No Sirji, I don’t have money to invest 15% in a Japanese Mutual Fund unless you ………..would like to give me some.
Me: Oh hell no! I don’t give donkeys my money understand!! I have an almost hard time dealing with the bears, now I have to deal with donkeys too!!
Daddu: Are there any more ways?
Me: Well, there is one way but you might need to spend a few days in jail but this method of martyrdom can happen only in India.
But it will suit you because it involves no Italian flavored Hindi ,no item numbers ,no skanky ex-girlfriends ,no 15% investments in Indo-Japanese Mutual Funds and especially no bullets; at least no bullets for you…
Daddu: What is it, tell me please.
Me: Okay follow these steps.
1. Make a hate speech and get your giving of the hate speech captured on video. Make sure that the speech is delivered to an independent electoral monitoring body.
2. Join a political party and get an election ticket. Stand for election in the same area where you made the hate speech.
3. Apply for anticipatory bail to avoid arrest.
4. Wait for the country’s entire media to make a hue and cry about this and have debates on their channels which allow viewers to send SMS’s which describe in very brief one liners their hate of your hate speech.
5. Get your bail canceled and go to jail.
6. Then get bail again and still be in jail because the good government sees it fit to throw something as badass as the National Security Act in your face even though it charges the most anti national security people with nothing more than a fine of Five Hundred Rupees.
7. Eat jail food for sometime and when you come out you will become a martyr.
Daddu: SirJi, that is brilliant. But are there any known cases of this type of martyrdom?
Daddu: Excellent Sirji, you are absolutely brilliant. I will immediately make a hate speech in a country that is full of love.
But tell me one more thing Sirji, how exactly did you get this idea?
Me: Arre, Simple Yaar. I ate a Mentos, my Dimaag’s Batti Got Jallaoed.
Daddu: Thank you sir. I am off to make a hate speech. Just one more thing, when I am in jail the jail people won’t give me any Mentos.
So my Dimaag can’t be Jallaoed to come up with ways to combat all the mosquitoes in my jail cell during my pursuit of martyrdom.
So what should I do about all the mosquitoes?
Me: Again it’s so simple yaar! Use Tortoise Mosquito Coil.
‘Kacchua Jalao, Macchar Bhagao’.