Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Economic Times Gets it Wrong

Why is the media always screwing up my quotes. They don’t get me and they still don’t get how I operate. They are like the proverbial cobra that bites you whether you call it cobra or Mr. Cobra. Anyway the Economic Times wrote this article on me which made me look like I was unruffled from the Sensex downturn. I wasn’t unruffled, I always look unruffled! That’s how a sexy man dresses.

And I hate when they mention my smoking because I’ve told my wife and daughter than I am quitting. They made at least 5 references to my smoking habits in this article.

They quoted me incorrectly here as well; “I don’t advice anybody. I don’t manage anybody’s money. I manage my wife’s money because I don’t have a choice.” First of all they used “advice” instead of “advise”, second they left off, “and if I did have a choice, I wouldn’t manage her money because when the market is down, so is our lovemaking” at the end of this quote.

Moreover I do have rules for investing you twits, if I didn’t have rules it would be called chaos. The Warren Buffet cheap shot was un-called for, I didn’t say I admired Warbuff, I simply said his style was interesting, but that the bugger was getting too old. Did you like the quote about Warbuff that they got right though? The one about “don’t insult the great man by comparing him to me”. Who do you think I was referring to when I said “great man”?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Warning Stealing Electricity May Lead to Your Death

My investment in A2Z Maintenance & Engineering Services is getting a lot of attention as of late. While the company is not public, I plan to prod the fresher Amit Mittal to get it listed asap. I have given him a Faustian Bargain of sorts in order to secure his future and that entails making me money of course.

Since A2Z is in the power transmission and distribution business, the government has asked A2Z to come up with a comprehensive plan to identify and discourage would be electricity thieves. That's going to send the IPO soaring, right? Well we know the deal will happen because we run half the government.

Naturally I am getting inundated with requests to “hook up” my friends and associates with free power, but 50% is stolen along the way so I can’t accommodate. Everyone on the BSE has their assistants calling me to get them a free link. I even got a letter from the Chinese Embassy here in town but I can’t seem to read it. Can anyone decipher it for me? Or if the Chinese Embassy is reading this please respond in a language I understand.

勤務日数/ 1週間  労働時間/ 9時間  給料/ 50円以上  
仕事内容/ 人妻のお相手です。(性行為を含みます) 女性1人3時間×3人 のお相手をして頂きます。
条件/ 体力のある方



Speaking of language I understand, since our thief avoidance plan includes a “shock” warning system and immediate termination of electricity to said thieves, I may invest in the newly
emerging life insurance companies of India. I mean, I may as well profit from the thieves’ stimulating demise.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What? A Gambling Casino in India?

Some online gambling joker has decided to launch a real gambling boat off of Goa. This guy Amar is out of his online mind if he thinks a 20,000 sq. ft. boat is going to rival any casino in Las Vegas. He claims he is going to ferry people in speed boats to his little boat for a day of gambling, drinking and who knows what else. Well I’m not happy with Amar and his little tug boat gambling venture. The only gambling that is allowed in India is the stock market and I plan to keep it that way.

I hate to say this but Amar’s boat needs to be clipped, iceberged and erased from our shores. This wise guy can’t expect to start taking money from us without giving me some of the take. Mr. White & White said he could handle the details and clean up the mess without anyone knowing. Mr. W&W claims Amar will be renamed to Mr. Yellow and thrown overboard when the boys get to him.

Hey Amar, when is a boat not a boat? When it’s aground ye moron.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

How to Ruin a Government

Well the people at Reliance and Spencer’s must be relived to see the farmers organizing and trying to reopen the stores in Uttar Pradesh. The farmers are upset and organizing a protest against the ridiculously stupid Mayawati Government.

A thousand farmers organized the formation of a human chain to wrap around the proverbial necks of the Mayawati government to cut off their corrupt practices.

"It was the state’s misfortune that some undesirable people managed to convince the government that both farmers and common public were not in favour of the new policy" said the farmers.

Notice how the farmer’s spokeperson used "undesirable" to describe the crooks who convinced the government to shut down the stores. Ironic isn’t it?

Speaking of undesirable, Can some kind soul please take pity on little me and explain why it's important that the government continue to run India’s food supply chain? Can someone also check the carbon 14 date on the Mayawati government’s business policies and tell me why they are still allowed to arbitrarily enforce stupid decisions like the shutting down of Reliance and Spencer’s stores?

This is a world in which India is engaged in a monumental struggle against feeding its people and we shut down direct access to it? The old Asian saying, "No money, no life," is applicable here and is not an exaggeration. The farmers have been poor for far too long. Depriving them of direct access to the markets is an absolute crime.

- Rakesh

The only bull who carries his own china shop with him.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Trading around the Crore

Ahh, the banks are getting caught stealing and I don't hear the uproar. When I deposit a cheque into my account it clears immediately or I have the banker fired. These banker morons are obsessed with taking the carried interest due us and will stop at nothing to squeeze as much as they can. I wouldn't mind if the bankers will just admit to being the gutless, indignant bastards that they truly are; what really irritates me is the unmistakably pretentiousness they exude while they really seem to believe they're helping us by shoving these high interest loans down our throats.

Most bankers hate all people with less than a crore net worth. They hate the poor because the poor cause all the problems like loan defaults and missed payments. If bankers had it their way, they'd torch the accounts of the most vulnerable and toss them and their 100 rupees back into the street. Ah, but then there may be some bad press and well, they don't want the visibility - see.

Trust me, the people won't fight these abuses. They'll shut up and take it. And these banker weenies will be living in bigger houses and dreaming up more ways to steal our money because the people won't protest. Just wait and see.

R. Jhunjhunwala

- The only bull who carries his own china shop with him.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Read this before Friday

I love when the markets fall precipitously and the lemmings bail out of the market like their houses are on fire. You see, this is where the wise man invests. When it looks the bleakest and your knees are too weak to stand up, the strong and the faithful put their money in at the bottom of the market. The India growth story is a real one. There will always be ebbs and flows, but the market direction will be up. In fact, I have commanded it to do so and have ordered the stock market gurus to follow suit. Therefore expect Sensex 25,000 to happen in the next few years' folks, you heard it here first.

Some other free advice while I am on the subject. Stop listening to your friend the stock picking loser. He can pick a winner in a bull market (who can't?) but when the boat springs a leak, you're the one drowning.

So what do I do? I ignore the damn market like the fools at Ignore the petty changes in the market and focus on the larger picture. India is a freight train heading down hill... no one, not even Laloo can derail it.

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala
Super Hero Investor

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Another Most Popular List that I am not on

Well there you have it the Ambani sibling rivalry gives them both a position on Fortune’s Top 50 people who matter most list. As with the top 100 women’s list these lists seem to be done in a fashion that stirs up controversy and intrigue.

Well I am not buying it… literally and figuratively. Not only because someone left my name off the list, but Indira K. Nooyi of Pepsi made both lists in the same month. Fine she may be talented, but I am the on pushing the India bull story forward. She’s pushing flavored water to the masses. Who matters more I ask you?

So back to the Ambani brothers. I’m not sure why the two dislike each other so much, but it seems to me they are behaving like spoiled brats. Family shouldn’t fight and they definitely shouldn’t raise the issue in public. I don’t care if daddy liked one of them and disliked the other, take it like a man and move on. Battle of the Billionaires doesn’t seem all that interesting to me.

So gentlemen, stop being tough guys for 2 seconds and make up. I’m certain Dhirubhai wouldn’t approve and I am even more certain he wouldn’t approve of that monstrosity of a home you’re building Mukesh. 4500 sq meters of living space on 27 floors? Do you plan to live on one floor a day on each day of the month? I am starting to feel like my 15,000 sq ft bungalow outside of Mumbai is petite.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Sonia Gandhi 6th Most Powerful Woman in the World

One has to smile at these lists. I mean who determines the criteria for "powerful" and then again "powerful women"? Indira K. Nooyi Chairman and Chief Executive at PepsiCo is the fifth most powerful according to Forbes, but how does one compare a business leader to the President of the Congress party?

Do these women get together and plan how to overthrow powerful men? It's not enough that they already control their powerful husbands but now they are separately powerful. I mean really, now these powerful women are powerful in their own respect on top of being powerful wives of powerful men. Or whatever... my point is that now we have a serious situation where the male species has to contend with wives that are more powerful then them and have their own separate power. We are in trouble boys.

Well I can't say I didn't see it coming. In fact I met Sonia awhile back at a party in Mumbai and she took me aside and whispered the following top 10 reasons why Indian women are more powerful then Indian men:

10. A woman would never do this

9. We have a woman President now we're aiming for CEO of Infosys and Wipro.

8. Laloo Prasad Yadav is a man.

7. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

6. A man designed this:

5. If men cry, they are a weakling.

4. If men are proud of their achievements, they are an egotist. If they are not, they're not ambitious.

3. Men have fallen for our politically correct "promote more women" trap.

2. We don't think with our libido.

1. Men start a sentence and ...... Women finish it for them.

As my wife instructs me the next time a man says "I am the master of my house", always remember he say it only because his wife permits him to say so.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Happy Birthday Warbuff

I prepared the following birthday greeting to be sent by post to my US arch-rival. As I wrote earlier about Mr. Warren Buffett (Warbuff), I am tired of being compared to him. That won't stop me from wishing him errr... well on his 77th birthday as the older he gets the closer I get to being the Global Investment guru. A few of the India diaspora in the US claim that my name has floated around Omaha as a possible successor to Warbuff although I haven't heard from the old man.

Anyway I've copied the card I've sent him below:

The note I included with the card:


When the markets slip don't lose your balance. There are people counting on you to make them money which in turn makes you money which in turn makes the Gates foundation wealthier which allows them to screw up the emerging world with their handouts.

Lastly, I like to quote Winny Churchill when I am feeling particularly giddy,

"Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed." - Winston Churchill

Government jobs and money trees

That is of course unless you become a government official. Why is it that the majority of the rural population want to work for the government? I can say with certainly that in the other democracies this career path is usually the least coveted. The average government official is paid far less than the IT worker and the job couldn’t be more monotonous. Let’s just say that in government comes privilege and influence. Far more than you see in other democracies.

Let’s say you have a couple of tickets to the most prestigious cricket match in India and are anxiously awaiting the date because you happen to get some great seats. The day of the match arrives and you are stopped at the gate because the tickets somehow became useless. That somehow turned out to be Vijay the local Governor who reprinted and gave your seats away so that he could impress some fly-by-night Bollywood actress.

Let’s also envision a scenario where Kapil is pulled over by the police for driving erratically and hitting a pedestrian. Well Kapil is a modest fellow and doesn’t reveal to the policeman that his father used to be Mumbai’s Mayor so the policeman takes him for a little ride to the station for examination. The officer walks Kapil through the station when the Commissioner of Police recognizes Kapil and asks him why he is at the station. Kapil retells the incident and before he finishes the story Commissioner so-and-so has smacked the offending officer and beat him to the floor.

Membership has its privileges.

To be Successful in India you must know Janus

To the outside world we pretend to be the world's largest democracy but truth be told we still retain the old paternalistic socialist philosophy of Nehru. The first rule of thumb in India is live life conservatively in public, then express oneself as sinfully as you can in private so long as no one finds out.

When I visit the US, I meet CEO's dressed in shorts and polo shorts or t-shirts and jeans and for the females something straight out of Baywatch. Yet in India, that taboo could get you scorned by the media and public. Casual wear is worn at home and not outside. Why? Because Indian's mistake a decent wardrobe for success and polish for smarts.

The second rule of thumb is don't be too visible. Mostly due to the tax pricks and grist seekers, but also because some jealous types take it upon themselves to become your personal battering ram. There are literally millions of people out there with nothing to do but to seek ways of destroying your good name. Am I right? Let's say I am right then.

Some feel there is a conspiracy of privilege in India (and they'd be right too just look at our social privilege system for the wealthy). In fact, if you're part of the lucky sperm club and end up pushed into the world of the higher castes, you can expect far greater opportunity then the so called untouchable castes . It's a shame too because the so-called untouchable castes make up 70% of India's population. That means just 30% enjoy a head start in life while the rest have to work overtime just put food on the table.

Demat Accounts

Why is it that India still clings to a paternalistic mentality of Government knows best? The India Government is still trying to play daddy knows best with our Demat Accounts by limiting the amount to exactly one that an individual can open. SEBI is convinced this will limit fraud and allow more transparency into who is trading in the India marketplace.

However the intelligent are simply renting Demat accounts from the less intelligent and using them to buy more IPO issues or hide stock transactions.

The demat rent process involves getting a broker to find or create a demat account holder by paying them a fixed rent. The investor applies for shares in name of the account holder then the account holder transfers the shares in the name of the investor through an off-market deal. You can't put the genie back in the bottle fellas.

This is true not only with demat accounts but just about everything else in India.

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