It's Raju With Free Evidence!!

In 1999 a great man called Devang Patel composed a great song called ‘EH RAJU’. Devang Patel’s powers of foresight are almost legendary. He anticipated that years later the individual called RAMALINGA RAJU would swallow 7000 Crore Rupees inclusive of all taxes. In Devang Patel’s honor, let everyone dance to the song ‘EH RAJU’ now available on T-SERIES cassettes and CDs.

The entire world is surprised that the Satyam scam happened. As a stockbroker I am finally happy that things are back to normal. If once in every five years the country is not rocked by at least 1 corporate or stock market scam then things become abnormal or unmanageable. Therefore thanks to Mr.Raju India is back to normal. Raju’s statue should be placed in a hall of fame along with his peers Harshad Mehta, Ketan Parekh and others because these people make things normal.

One person who makes excellent statues and knows excellent statue makers is Behenji Mayawati. Perhaps, I’ll ask Behenji to make a statue of Raju as well.

Raju is famous not only in India but across the border in Pakistan as well.

Now that Raju and Raju’s brother are in jail, the Pakistanis want to get Raju released. They will be sending their CHIEF EVIDENCE DENIER who also does the job of Foreign Minister, Qureshi to act as the lawyer for Raju.

Qureshi is therefore the Pakistani Foreign Minister with additional responsibility of being CHIEF EVIDENCE DENIER and will now be Raju’s lawyer. This is what I call multitasking. Similar to how I buy 1 stock, short sell another and long sell another all in the same trading session!!!! And more!!!!

The reason the Pakistanis want Raju released is because he is/was the head of an outsourcing firm. The Pakistanis want to outsource some of their terrorist related work to India because the Lashkar and the Jaish E Mohammed have started to charge too much. Raju is a perfect candidate because he is a financial terrorist.

But Qureshi will have a tough time convincing Indian courts of Raju’s innocence.

Therefore he is coming from Pakistan with his own DOSSIER .He got the idea of a dossier when we sent the Pakistani government a dossier of evidence related to the Mumbai terror attacks.

But Qureshi’s dossier is a dossier of COUNTER-EVIDENCE against Raju. One must not forget that Qureshi is Pakistan’s best CHIEF EVIDENCE DENIER.

I happen to have an advanced copy of this dossier, it contains the following guidelines.

• The Indians will say that Raju is an ISI agent, immediately say that it is a lie. On second thought say it even before they say it.
  

• When the Indians say that Raju is guilty because he confessed to everything in his letter, say that the letter is not ‘CREDIBLE EVIDENCE’.

• Tell the Indians that the only Raju who is guilty and deserves to be punished is Raju Shrivastav from ‘The Great Indian Laughter Challenge’ because his jokes make Navjot Singh Sidhu laugh which in turn causes high blood pressure in many Pakistanis.

• When the Indians say that Raju broke down and confessed to everything in the interrogation, say that the confession is not ‘Tangible Evidence’.

• When the Indians point out to the fact that Raju manipulated Satyam’s accounts, say that the accounts don’t provide ‘Actionable Evidence’.

• When the Indians point out to Raju trying to buy the Maytas Company to cover up his crime, say that the Maytas evidence is ‘Incomplete Evidence’.

• Point out to the fact that Satyam won the Golden Peacock Award for corporate governance in 2008 and that the Indian government is unhappy that a private sector company has won this and not a public sector company. After saying this, say something else and finish the sentence with the word ‘Evidence’.

• The Indians will say that even the US and the entire world agrees with India’s assessment that Raju is guilty. At this point say that the evidence given by India is ‘Evidence Not Admissible In A Court Of Law’.

• Go to a Hindi TV channel and say all this in Hindi; then go to an English TV channel and say all this in English. This will help us in wasting more time. In between driving to a Hindi news channel studio and an English news channel studio watch Pranab Mukherjee tear his remaining hair out as the anchor says “But Pakistan Does Not Accept That Ramalinga Raju Is Guilty”.

• When the Indians produce more evidence that Raju is guilty say that the evidence is “Evidence Which Is Not Clear” or “Evidence Which Is Unclear” or “Evidence Which Is Unclear and Not Clear”.

• When it becomes increasingly difficult to say that Raju is not guilty, simply say that you have not received any evidence in the first place.

Always remember, evidence is everything be it for Dawood, Bin Laden, Masood Azhar or Kasab Raju.

Note To Nita Ambani - Stop Messing With Mukesh's Head,I Own Shares Of Reliance

As seen in the film ‘Ghajini’, Aamir Khan suffers from short term memory loss. Short term memory loss is a dangerous disease especially if someone is a legendary investor like me.If a legendary investor can’t remember his own stock picks beyond 15 minutes then he’ll never be able to remember what he bought and when to sell.

I anticipated this problem of short term memory loss when I began my career as an investor. Hence I bought an Ayurvedic Memory Enhancer called SHANKH PUSHPI syrup. Now available in half liter and 1 liter. Because I consume 1 teaspoon of this everyday my memory is very strong. Hence, I don’t suffer from short term memory loss.

Aamir Khan on the other hand can’t even remember if he’s a man or a woman. I know this because I saw him on TV dressed as a half- man,half-woman in the TATA SKY TV commercial.

He also said that if I put Tata Sky in my house my life will be JINGA LA LA.

I don’t know what JINGA LA LA is but I want my life to be JINGA LA LA so I put Tata Sky in my house.

Now, don’t mistake me. I’m filthy rich so I also have Airtel DTH, Big TV, Dish TV and yet to be released DTH services in my house including Ukrainian DTH --Damutschka Jyh service.

As I was watching Tata Sky I landed at channel 219.It’s a channel called NDTV Goodtimes started by Prannoy Roy and Fake Doctor Vijay Mallya.

Thanks to these two great individuals I have finally found the answer to a question that has been troubling me for many months now:

Why the bloody hell is Mukesh Ambani acting like such a freakin dickhead?

It’s because of his wife Nita Ambani. The lady is messing with my good friend’s head and this is the reason he’s been acting like Deve Gowda on saturated Red Bull.

I saw Nita Ambani on a TV show called ‘The First Ladies’ on NDTV Goodtimes. It’s a show hosted by two guys I’ve never even heard of. One guy is called Abu Jani and the other is called Sandeep Khosla.

These two are apparently fashion designers. I fail to understand how these two freakshows have managed to get their own talk show while I, the WORLD’s 1001^st richest man have to make do with ‘special appearances’ on CNBC TV18 and NDTV Profit.

I have put Noida Police on the case and I expect them to find the answer sometime this millennium.

But because of this interview I have gained crucial insights into the mind of Muk-Hays Ambani and how his wife has coached him into giving long winding answers that never lead anywhere especially at shareholder meetings of Reliance Industries Limited.

Nita could have given just one answer to every question that the two fashion guys asked.

OBSERVE:

Fashion Guys: Why did you marry Mukesh?

NITA: BECAUSE HE’S (F WORD) SUPER RICH!! JACKASSES.

Fashion Guys: Why did Mukesh buy the ‘Mumbai Indians’ cricket team?

NITA: BECAUSE HE’S (F WORD) SUPER RICH!! JACKASSES.

Fashion Guys: When you decided to marry Mukesh what about him impressed you the most?

NITA: THE FACT THAT HE’S (F WORD) SUPER RICH!! JACKASSES.

Fashion Guys: How does it feel to be married to Mukesh Ambani?

NITA: IT FEELS (F WORD) SUPER RICH!! JACKASSES.

Fashion Guys: Why did Mukesh buy you a plane as a birthday gift?

NITA: BECAUSE HE’S (F WORD) SUPERRICH!! JACKASSES.

This program causes short term memory loss. Maybe Mr.Ramalinga Raju should have seen ‘The First Ladies’ on NDTV Goodtimes.If he had developed short term memory loss Satyam Computers won’t cause so many long term problems.

Mandatory Awards Show Thing

As a stock broker the only calendar I follow is the Indian Samvat Calendar. According to my calendar we’re in year 2065 .The westerners on the other hand invented a new calendar just to mess with my head. It’s got 365 days out of which 365 are over meaning that we’re in a phenomenon called the New Year.

The New Year is just like the old year except that it’s called the New Year and it’s made up of a different set of numbers as compared to the old year.2008 is the old year and 2009 is the New Year.

Since the New Year is supposed to be a big deal I celebrate it in my own way. My New Year was on the Muhurat trading session of Samvat 2065 when I was also on TV with Udayan Mukherjee and Shankar Sharma, the husband of crazy kung-fu hair lady, Devina Mehra.

In order to tell the world that I can accept a New Year I do a year end special like TV channels. My year end special is an AWARDS SHOW where I invite award winners to my grandfather’s cow shed and distribute awards.

Presenting the live telecast of the Jhunjhunwala Awards for 2008:

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Me: Welcome everyone to my grandfather’s cow shed for the 20^th Annual Jhunjhunwala Awards.Unlike other award shows which roll out the red carpet, I roll out the blue carpet. Please don’t walk on it; it’s only for display purposes.

Now here are the rules:

I intend to finish this award show in 15 minutes flat so there will be no announcement of the nominees for each category, no background music, and no award music.

No laughing, no hysterical bouts of crying, no biting nails, no looking into the camera. Just sit there and shut up.

I don’t need to hear your lame ass acceptance speeches so just take your award and get lost. If you want to say something keep it short and no more than 30 seconds.

The audience is not allowed to clap or sneeze, that might disturb my grandpa’s cows.

All decisions are made by the judging committee comprising of myself and are final.

Also, there will be no entertainment tonight which means you will not get to see a choreographed dance performed by a Hindi film actress after each award.

Take a look at this year’s specially designed Jhunjhunwala award trophy…

Now let’s begin…..

The first award is for ‘Sportsman Of The Year’. I could have chosen Michael Phelps or that Bolt fellow from Jamaica or even Abhinav Bindra or Virender Sehwag instead I’m giving it to Andrew Symonds from Australia.

Symonds: Thanks mate!

Me:@@@# #@ $ %%& $#% man, I’m not your mate.

Symonds: Sorry, I’m from DOWN UNDER. That’s what we say DOWN UNDER.

Me: Down under what?

Symonds: Uh uh uh ….

Me: TERE MAA KI, take the award and go fishing or something.

Symonds: Did you just call me MONKEY?

Me: Should I remind you about Harbhajan and Monkey Gate?

Symonds: No, no please. I’ll be going now.

Me: The next award is for ‘FIGHT OF THE YEAR’ and it goes for the third successive time to the Ambani Brothers who this year fought for Telecom Companies and Gas.

They’re both not here as they can’t tolerate each other in the same room. Hence I’ll accept this award on their behalf.

The Jhunjhunwala award for ‘TROUBLEMAKER OF THE YEAR’ goes to Raj Thackeray.

Raj: Amitabh Bachchan sucks.

I saved the jobs of 2000 Jet Airways employees, that’s 2000 votes for me in the next election guaranteed. Hold on! Many might be Non Maharashtrians among them. I’m confused……

Marathi Manu’s rule.

I’d like to thank my uncle Bal Thackeray due to whom I’ve learnt innovative ways of setting buses on fire and breaking stuff. Thanks Bala uncle.

I love my dog.

Me:I will now award the award for 'THE BEST LAW ENFORCERS OF THE YEAR' and its surprise, surprise!!! The Noida Police. Here to receive the award on their behalf is Chief Inspector Harpal Singh.

Chief Inspector Harpal Singh: We here at the Noida Police headquarters spend a great deal of time trying to catch dangerous criminals. In 2008 we cracked the infamous Aarushi Talwar murder case. At first we suspected the Talwar’s helper but turns out he was also dead. Then we arrested Aarushi’s father.

But he also didn’t do it. Then we arrested two more guys’.After that we arrested one more guy. None of them were found to be guilty. We were arresting them only for fun. The real killer of Aarushi Talwar is actually Osama Bin Laden but no one knows where he is so the case is therefore closed.

Me: The award for ‘CRICKETER OF THE YEAR’ goes to a NON CRICKETER ---Mr.Lalit Modi for starting the world’s greatest Cricket League called the IPL.

Narendra Modi: The award should go to me. Lalit Modi is the BCCI’s laundry boy but I’m the BJP’s poster boy. I’m the only MODI who deserves an award this year.

Me: But you haven’t done anything this year related to cricket.

Narendra Modi: That’s bullshit .You’ve chosen a secular candidate in Lalit Modi while a communal candidate like me is being ignored. It’s a travesty of justice.

I deserve the cricketer of the year award. After all I got the Nano in Gujarat haven’t I? Many cricketers will drive to Cricket stadiums in the Nano.

Me: You’re right Narendra Bhai, you did steal the Nano from West Bengal and I hate the Communists ruling anywhere in the world. Therefore for stealing from the communists you get the ‘CRICKETER OF THE YEAR’ award.

Narendra Modi: Kem Che Rakesh Bhai. As a fellow Gujarati I knew you’d understand.

Me: The next award is for ‘JACKASS OF THE YEAR’ and it goes resoundingly to Shivraj Patil.

Shivraj: Screw you Jhunjhunwala, stop making fun of me!

Sri Sri Ravishankar: Calm down Patilji, let me teach you the Art of Living. Breathe now.

Me: The next award is for ‘BIG DEAL OF THE YEAR’ and it goes to Barack Obama.

Obama: Thank You All. We need change and change is what we need. It is through change that things change and the changing of things lead to new things which are a product of the old changes. In summation, I’m the new president of the USA and people believed this ‘Change’ crap and voted for me so I really don’t give a shit.

Me: The next award is for ‘BEST BLOOD PRESSURE PATIENT OF THE YEAR’ and it goes to our hon-her-able Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

Manmohan Singh: What a year I’ve had. Nuclear Deal, Communist Problem, Terrorist Problems, Opposition Problems, Cabinet Problems, Antulay Problem, Economic Crisis,Etc,Etc. Thanks to Madamji I’ve survived. Everybody sing Singh Is King (G), Singh Is King (G)….

Me: Our next award is for ‘FILM ACTOR OF THE YEAR’ and it goes to Kamaal R Khan (KRK) for his path breaking performance in Deshdrohi. It was so path breaking that all the paths leading to theatres showing Deshdrohi were broken by everyone jealous of KRK.

I would like to next give the critics choice award for the ‘BEST PRESIDENT OF THE YEAR’ to GEORGE W BUSH who will without doubt be missed by many after he steps down for Obama.

The award for ‘POPULATION EXPANDER OF THE YEAR’ goes to Shah Rukh Khan for his role in the film 'Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi' where he teaches people about love and by falling in love these people will do things that will exponentially increase India’s Population. Condoms will not work therefore this film should have been called 'Rubber Ne Bana Di Jodi'.

Our penultimate award is for ‘PAIN IN THE ASS OF THE YEAR’ and it’s a tie between Shankar Sharma and Anbumani Ramadoss. Since it’s a tie you won’t get a trophy so just take this tie instead.

Finally the biggest award of the night, it’s ‘THE SUPER COOL PERSON OF THE YEAR’ award and it goes to ……oh my god….I can’t believe it. IT’S ME. Everybody please stand up and give me a standing ovation.

I will now make my acceptance speech.

Arindam Chaudhuri: I thought you said no acceptance speeches.

Me: What the bloody hell are you doing here ponytail boy. Go count chickens before they hatch.

Sorry for The interruption ladies and gentlemen.

On behalf of myself I’d like to thank myself, a.k.a Rakesh Jhunjhunwala because without my efforts I wouldn’t have won this award. It is because of people like me that people like me win big awards and thanks to Rakesh Jhunjhunwala the world has learnt or not learnt as the case maybe depending on what they want to learn.

In the biggest economic crisis in a century, I’ve still managed to make money. Am I a genius or what? The answer is YES I AM therefore this award has been rightfully given to the right person.

I now proclaim this award show over, please leave the cow shed. If you’d like to stay please feel free to look at my photo.