Only HOLE

As an investor, I often have to make my investments according to the type of government in power.So how is it that I buy shares only of companies I expect to do well under a certain type of government? It’s simple because I always know which party will be in power.My information is based on a simple theory. There is a man on NDTV who appears only when there is an election called Dorab Sopariwala.

Dorab is someone who studies elections on a daily basis and makes predictions based on them and for his efforts gets paid by NDTV 24/7 and NDTV 12/3 and a half.If Dorab says that the Congress party will win an election then I immediately prepare for a BJP victory.If Dorab says that the BJP will win then I prepare for a CONGRESS victory.

In simple words, when Dorab says that something will happen I prepare for the EXACT OPPOSITE of that, that way I’m never wrong.

Most recently, Dorab ran his mouth and said that in Delhi Sheila Dikshit would lose but the moment he said that, I invested in Delhi companies that are favored by the Congress party and I made money as usual.People including Dorab are surprised Sheila Dikshit won; I’m not thanks to Dorab.

There is a word to describe people like Dorab and it’s a combination of two words which are ASS and HOLE.

THINKING ABOUT THIS WORD I tried to think about the other types of holes and found many like:

A Man Hole:

A Snake Hole:

A Dog Hole:

A Golf Hole:

A Ground Hole:

An Eyehole:

And Even An ASSHOLE:

My appreciation for holes is shared by a Kannada film actor called Upendra who is my new best friend. He acted in a film which has a song called ONLY HOLE sung by Udit Narayan.

Being a Gujarati in Mumbai I don’t understand Kannada so I asked my good friend the Karnataka Chief Minister B.S.Yeddiyurappa to translate the lyrics of this song into English.

He did it for me and also gave me the accompanying video on youtube.Such a nice man. Everybody watch it and sing along.

Something Something has happened (X 4 times).

Only HOLE…..Only HOLE…..Only HOLE…. Only HOLE

MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow, eh fellow.

Yay, MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow, eh fellowwww.

Ah ah ah ah,la la la la la la la.

Why is he coming after me repeatedly? chee!

You don’t love him, yes you do, yes you do.

From husband you are hiding everything,

But for friend you are showing Baywatch.

Within house it is top ten..ooo.

Within the bar it is fountain..ooo.

Outside it’s super show,

Inside it’s horror show,

This is only Midnight Masala, girlie.

Only HOLE, Only HOLE.

MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow, eh fellowwww.

Something Something has happened X 4 times.

BPL ooh la la,

Are you coming to Khandala?

Sun TV is your choice,

In the eyes lovely scene.

Citi channel,lovely melodies ,

But I am Udaya TV also.

Only HOLE….Only HOLE.

Yay, MTV for Subalakshmi is Only HOLE….Only HOLE,

Zee TV for Madegowda is Only HOLE…Only HOLE,

Without CENSOR show everything,

Like Channel V you must work eh fellow,eh fellowwww.

Something Something has happened, every thing has happened (x 4).

ONLY HOLE is my favorite song from today. Everybody sing ONLY HOLE.

The Jhunjhunwala Times Featured Article

Mini-J, (Special) Correspondent, The Jhunjhunwala Times

Noida, December 4, 2008

While the majority of the media chose to concentrate on the Mumbai Police fighting terrorists deep in the heart of Mumbai, a small minority of the media including ‘The Jhunjhunwala Times’ have also chosen to report the other devastating attack in the country, an attack in Agra that has left many brave policemen of the Noida Police Force injured.

The distinguished Noida Police which has won many state and international awards for its exceptional handling of the Aarushi Talwar murder case and the Moninder/ Surinder Children Kidnap + Molestation +Cannibalism Murder Case sprung early into action to prevent this terrorist attack unlike the Mumbai Police.Praising his force Chief Inspector Harpal Singh said “We had specific inputs about this attack and were prepared for it.”

Describing the events of November 26 in detail he said “We were investigating another case, somebody stole my Samosa and we had just launched an investigation into it, the forensic team was on its way to find the culprit when we received information that somebody had attacked the Taj, immediately we swung into action.”

He continued “We got our force ready and surrounded the Taj Mahal in Agra, One of my constables said that the Taj Mahal was a hotel and that it was in Mumbai. Immediately I told him that the Taj Mahal was one among the Seven Wonders of the World, it was built by Emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his wife and that it contained their tombs, it was definitely not a hotel.”

“When we got there, we evacuated the hostages and then discovered that members of the dangerous banned terror group Indian Cat Mujahideen had entered the main building of the Taj Mahal.”

“The cat terrorists were demanding the release of their leader Cat-Ul-Hasan whom we had captured earlier this year; however we refused and sent in our NOIDA Police Commandos to flush them out. At first we arrested Cat-Ul-Hasina who is the Intelligence Head of the Indian Cat Mujahideen.”

“The operation took longer than expected because one of the terrorists was shooting at us from the top of a minaret of the Taj.”

“But after subduing him, we moved quickly and arrested Cat-Ul-Hasan’s twin brother; the heavily armed Cat-Ul-Ali”

Mr. Singh smiled and said “Now both the brothers are in our custody”

“Once we were inside a heavily armed cat fired at us. Surprisingly there is a Color TV inside the Taj”

“There were very few cat terrorists left but one in particular was firing at us continuously, it was the dangerous Cat-Ul-Khan.”

“We attracted Cat-Ul-Khan with a handful of Pedigree Cat Food and when he came near we captured him and after that all the terrorists were captured.”

On being asked if his police force feels under-appreciated after saving the Taj from the terrorists, he said “Definitely, Noida Police should be rewarded appropriately. We finished the situation in Agra in 20 minutes unlike the Mumbai Police which took sixty hours. In fact Noida Police should also be given responsibility of Mumbai. Our force is much better than the Mumbai Police. Just think how safe Mumbai will be when we take charge of the city.”

We also asked Mr. Singh how his force was able to get to the Taj Mahal within minutes of the attack; he had this to say “Speed is very important for the Noida Police; we used our Ultra Fast Bullock Carts. The bullocks pulling the carts are all raised under the Noida Police Cow and Bull Project, they are three times stronger and faster than the average Bull or Buffalo and ideal for pulling carts. We have also placed a new order for stronger carts and should get the same after government approval within a few months.”

Asked what his future plans are Mr. Singh said “It’s been a difficult week for me and my force. Noida Police never rests, we’ve immediately got back to work.”

The Jhunjhunwala Times also brought to the attention of the Noida police the case of people like Rashmi Bansal who has been calling national heroes like Rakesh Jhunjhunwala a “fake”. Her rant on the media has also helped this newspaper to persuade Noida Police to look into the matter.

On being asked about the above Mr.Singh replied “We will definitely look into it, Rashmi Bansal is a very dangerous person no doubt, and we have e-mailed her but have received no reply. But for the moment we are trying to solve another case. I can’t give too many details but it involves this rap singer called Lil’ Wayne.If we can find out what he’s singing in his video we can solve this case. All we understood was the word Lollipop.”

All in a days work for Noida Police.

--Agencies

Qureshi & The Balls

It’s amazing!Shivraj Patil just wrote a book called ‘How to Allow 19,000 Terrorist Attacks and Still Be Home Minister’ and immediately gets fired by the party. It’s pretty clear that the Congress Party does not like people pursuing other interests like writing books.

A legendary investor like me has to deal with a new Finance Minister who is also the Prime Minister. The old Finance Minister is the new Home Minister and the old Home Minister has been sent home. In addition to the new Home Minister the Congress Party might also appoint a new DOME MINISTER to repair the DOME of the Taj Hotel.

Since I was so damn confused with everything I decided to have a talk with the only man who seems to know what’s going on: The Foreign Minister of Pakistan- Qureshi.

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“Me: Mr.Qureshi, how is your health?

Qureshi: Oh not so good because my BALLS are with the ISI .I am officially a eunuch now. Since you live in Mumbai do you think you could get me a job with a EUNUCH organization? I am very good at dancing to others’ tunes and hope to use that talent in train coaches like my fellow eunuchs.

Me: I can’t believe that your balls are with the ISI!

Qureshi: Not just mine but all my minister friends have also lost their balls to the ISI. Some of them have voluntarily deposited them with the ISI.

Me: Are you not scared?

Qureshi: I am very scared that the ISI might tamper with my balls because Pakistanis are experts in the field of BALL TAMPERING.

Me: Did the ISI have anything to do with the Mumbai attack?

Qureshi: I will say that they didn’t and if they actually did then I won’t say that they did but because they supposedly didn’t I too will say that they didn’t and in any case even if they did it we will say that they didn’t and that someone else did it and that someone else is not them .

Me: Where did you learn to talk like this?

Qureshi: As a politician I like to learn from our seniors. I learnt it from watching years of Indian politicians talk like this either on TV or in Parliament. All Pakistani politicians are required to take a training program which involves us watching the chief spokespersons of the Congress, BJP and CPI denying what their parties did or didn’t do on TV channels.

Me: What else has India taught you?

Qureshi: We respect India. Just like India has invested heavily in education by setting up the Indian Institute Of Technology or IIT’s; we in Pakistan have set up the PIT or the Pakistan Institute of Terrorism.

Me: What are your future plans?

Qureshi: I plan to act in films subject to ISI approval. I have already received an offer to play the Pakistan Foreign Minister in a film that will capture the story of this attack. It’s a film that will be directed by Ram Gopal Varma who surveyed the Taj along with the film’s hero, the dashing Ritesh Deshmukh who will play Vilasrao Deshmukh.”