When I started writing My Secret Journal ,I did so to inspire people so that everyone in the Universe is awe struck by the Literary Excellence I pour forth on my wonderful Secret Journal!
And when a Top class + high quality + 5 star writer + one of my favorite bloggers, the Great Shiv Kumar Mishra who writes the blog Shiv Gyanand tweets@mishrashivis inspired to emulate me,my satisfaction is increased massively at the joy of being able to spread my glory.
Shiv infact puts forth his awesomeness in this post which you people are ordered to read :
If you do not know how to read Hindi then I demand that you learn how to read Hindi and then immediately read Shiv Kumar Mishra's ass kicking of Jyoti Kumari who as we all know is a pot lover!
I am glad to know that Shiv also shares some of the same Genius that I invented! Shiv might in fact even be that guy people refer to as the Fake Jhunjhunwala.
Hmmm!
" I always knew Shiv Kumar Mishra would kick Jyoti Kumari's Ass by taking super duper flower pot shots at her.I never doubted it for a minute. "
As you know by now, I’ve been partying (!!!!!!!) in Mauritius . That’s right! Seeing that as I’m a strict believer in the universal doctrines of ALCOHOL MANAGEMENT, I’ve been a prime example of what it means to be an exemplary party thrower /party goer.
As a result I’ve been filling myself up with all kinds of liquor --- BEER! My favorite single malt scotches , brandy , other types of whisky, gin, rum, vodka , wine, etc,etc. My wild partying ways have also enabled me as always to consume huge quantities of our own desi country because my country is great and I love my country.
Combined with an infinite amount of daru and even more infinite number of Patiala Pegs my Mauritius adventure has been truly legendary!
I mean so legendary that when I arrived on the island, the very Prime Minister Of Mauritius, Navinchandra Ramgoolam personally escorted me all the way to the insanely 100+ star hotel that I had rented out for all my close friends and family. My closest buddies from across the planet all assembled in one place to celebrate an event so Path Breaking, Inter Costal, Humongous, Gigantic, Enormous, Gigantic + Enormous = Ginormous, Universe Splitting, Super Duper Galactic, Transgressing Space And Time Itself – A Once In An Epoch Occurrence – My 50th Birthday!
This cosmic occurrence of wonderful awesomeness to celebrate the 50th birth anniversary of my great self as a humble vessel ever devoted to the service of the world by way of facilitating exchange of currency via mutually traded securities upon stock exchanges of the world deserved a luxurious ravish affair and by God! The Gods themselves looked down upon the island of Mauritius as I threw the greatest party the world has ever seen.
Because when Rakesh Jhunjhunwala throws a party, it isn’t just a random gathering of human beings eating, drinking and being merry. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before or will ever see again. A Rakesh Jhunjhunwala party is a glorious invigoration drilled into the very fabric of human consciousness and history, left to mortal beings and their descendants as a testament to gather from the pages of history to that which truly is a celebration of life.
And such is the celebration I bestowed upon Mauritius that local Mauritians now want me to become their President and Leader.
After witnessing the rivers of champagne and barrages of the choicest of human food ever produced in my birthday party, local Mauritian elders started to beg me to take their daughters unto myself and make them my wives but I declined due to my unwavering loyalty to my sweet wife Rekha who has worked hard to make my party a success.
Now, throughout my life I’ve had various birthday parties at various stages of my life – like when I was a small baby:
Or when I was a rebellious younger teenage punk rocker:
This party however pwned them all. Even Heavy Metal band Metallica volunteered to cancel their music tour to play at my birthday after they heard my great self was throwing a bash. But being a kind hearted soul, I did not want to rob other Metallica fans of hearing them; so I told Metallica that they could play just for me after their tour. Metallica were pretty disappointed but after I consoled them, they felt better and promised to dedicate their next album to me.
Since Metallica were busy I decided to have the second most Heavy Metal bunch of ass kicking rockers on this planet to play for me. Hence I flew in Roop KumarandSonali Rathod.
That’s right! After Metallica Roop Kumar and Sonali Rathod are the most electrifying, ass kicking bunch of head banging hardcore rockers there are ……RIGHT.
Even Rahat Fateh Ali Khan was there. But Rahat is not fit and sexy like me. In fact he is fat. I prefer to call him Rahat FATTY Ali Khan.
All parties have clowns and mine too had a very special clown. For his hilarious antics I flew down Ajit Agarkar because Ajit Agarkar is the best clown there is. Just the sight of his face made Little Nishtha howl uproariously with laughter!!!
Apart from the drinks, singers, dancers, the great food, the entertainment, the mirth, the laughter, the merriment and the chaos, this party to celebrate my 50th birthday was by far my most Special Birthday simply because my greatest wealth was with me – My Dear Family & Friends. My Mom, Rekha, Little Nishtha and The J Twins Aryaman and Aryavir all made this celebration a truly great event.
CHEERS TO 50 YEARS OF KICKING A$$ AND MAKING CA$H!!
The focus group at Rare Enterprises that was initiated into action at the time of the Winter Olympics earlier this year is now a more active feature in my scheme of things.
In order to cut through the hype and hullabaloo running around in our great country, I send out this bunch of people carefully assimilated purely to ascertain the truth in a bunch of marketing bullshit and present their findings to me just so that I can remind myself about that which I already know.
I gave the focus group their latest assignment, one that they worked on while I was celebrating my 50th birthday in Mauritius. Their task was to try and see if there is potential for the sport of FOOTBALL in India.
I mean I know there is but is it really upto that level that some people would have the other people believe? If there is I must find some way to invest in the sport of Football in India so I can make money. If there is no potential then I must find out how I can single handedly grow football in India to such a state where I can then make money from it.
So the focus group asked people about what is the most important football match this year. The World Cup Final between Spain and The Netherlands on Sunday and here are the results:
Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?
“No! I’m busy Sunday night. See I have to go to the local sign maker because he has made a spelling mistake while making the signboard for my restaurant.
I told him to make the sign as HARD ROCK CAFÉ but that stupid shithead has made a spelling mistake and made it as HARD COCK CAFÉ!!!!!! Now all the customers think my restaurant is a brothel and keep asking the waitress “Chalti Kya?” **** I hate this sign maker**** grrrrr
Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?
Are you stupid! Of course not!!!! See on Sunday night I will be busy discussing serious legalities with my lawyer because on Monday I have to file my bail application so I can get out of jail and supervise stone throwing in Kashmir.
I have been falsely accused by the way of asking people to martyr themselves by throwing stones and get fired back in return by the CRPF okay!!
Why would I first of all even want stone throwers to die??!! Who will throw stones then? Good stone throwers are so hard to find these days!!
In those audio tapes I was only negotiating the rates with stone throwing agencies. See they have presented me with a rate card that is very high!
So I was only asking them to reduce rates!! But as usual I have been misquoted by the media!!
Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?
A ] Aftab Shivdasani, Unemployed Actor ,part time onion peeler at HARD COCK CAFÉ
Definitely Not OK!!! I have to concentrate on my career. I am going to learn how to dance properly in film songs by watching Sanjay Dutt’s brilliant dancing in the song ‘Aazma Luck Aazma’ from Luck!!
Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?
A ] Sharad Pawar, Indian Agriculture Minister,ICC Chief , Aspiring Bhajan Singer
What?! It’s on Sunday night?? This is too much. I also have to watch ‘Awakening With Brahmakumaris’ on Aastha Channel and the weekly repeat telecast of ‘Sasuraal Genda Phool’ on Star Plus. Now I realize that I have to watch the Football World Cup also!!!!
This is just too much….Sob, Sob, Sob, Sob, Sob, Sob and More Sob!!!!!! I request the PM to reduce this burden, please!!
Q] Are you watching the Football World Cup Final between Spain and Holland?
A] Acharya Indu Prakash, Astrologer, Fat Bald Round Man, Distant Cousin Of Humpty Dumpty And Host Of Bhavishyavani , Weekdays 7 Am On India TV
FU*K YOU OK! FU*K YOU, FU*K YOU, FU*K YOU, FU*K YOU AND FU*CK YOU
FU*K YOU SOME MORE YOU BASTARD! You had to ask me that question didn’t you huh?
You know I’ve been having a hard time ever since I lost to that big bag of tentacles, Bloody Paul The Octopus. I mean what has the world come to huh?
Since when did octopods start predicting the future? That’s my damn job! I can tolerate anything OK, almost anything predicting the future! I mean my entire career I’ve endured parrots, monkeys, donkeys, dolphins, boiled eggs, coffee mugs, duck billed platypuses and even FU*KIN Starfish and Kangaroos OK!
But God dammit!! the Astrology Society is now allowing an octopus to predict the future! Are you FU*KIN kidding me!
And that Bastard Paul is yapping off ever since he predicted that Spain would beat Germany in the semi final while I said that Germany would win.
Paul is an asshole you hear! He is just way too arrogant. After he got the prediction for the semi final right that bundle of suckers sent me this image on my cell phone! Bastard just flipped me off!
He just gave me the finger!!! That pompous little sea weed eating, filthy water dwelling moss hogger!
I only lost to him because I made one small error that too because the astrology software on my computer is wrong! Not me! I’m correct! It was the software’s fault!
I had predicted that Spain would lose because KirkRaashee was bad for them and Germany’s Mesh Rashee was in a good position but the software screwed up! That’s why I failed to notice that Vrishik Raashee had moved into the 3rd Mangal house for Spain which is why they won!!
Paul isn’t even a real astrologer! He’s a FAKE astrologer!
I’m challenging Paul to a steel cage match right now! I mean right now! Come on fish bag, you and me lets go!!
FU*K YOU PAUL**** YEAH! FU*K YOU!!
After reading these reports from my focus group I have only 1 thing to say.
