A Quick, Self-Help Anti Rape Guide

I wanted to write something on rape and the death of the 23 year old in Delhi but then enough has already been written.

The writers,columnists,bloggers,etc have all described in short and tall everything from the brutality of the incident to cursing the police and the politicians to basically How they feel – Sad,Angry,Hurt,etc.

This is what the reactions look like to me :

Man on the street –“Do this,do that”

Police – “We are already doing this and that”

Politicians – “We feel very sad this has happened.We will ensure that the girl gets Justice”

TV Guys – “Who will save this country?Yeh kya ho raha hai?!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So called practical person – “What is the point of all this noise? Nothing will happen anyway.We will forget soon”

Whatever .

Instead of adding to this Diaspora of justified reactions, I thought I’ll list out a few details which can hopefully help our People and the women in our life to be safer, even its just a little bit.

We can’t depend on the cops to protect us. They’re too busy protecting others *WINK*WINK*. So here’s a quick guide I’ve compiled .Please let the womenfolk in your life know about this.

1.] This is a list of websites from where you can buy Pepper Sprays in India online and at an affordable rate  :

http://www.healthkart.com/product/knockout-pepper-spray/PP002

http://www.hawkpepperspray.com/

http://www.chilliguard.com/
http://www.healthkart.com/product/cobra-magnum/PP001
http://www.snapdeal.com/product/knockout-pepper-spray-combo/602670

 

2.]These are videos which guide you on how to attack the most effective body parts and get immediate results in case of an attack .Each video is not longer than 3-4 minutes.

•    Attacking The Eyes – http://www.ehow.com/video_2355873_womens-self-defense-eye-attack.html

• Attacking the Groin - http://www.ehow.com/video_2355874_womens-self-defense-groin-strikes.html

• Attacking the Throat - http://www.ehow.com/video_2355875_womens-self-defense-throat-strikes.html

3.]This is a list of phone numbers of helplines(Violence and Suicide) and NGO’s in different cities for counseling and rehabilitation gathered via crowdsourcing.

http://www.vawhelp.org/reports/?c=0

4.] This is a smartphone Android app called Sentinel developed by an Indian Company for Personal Security.Useful for men and women alike - http://sentinel.mindhelix.com/

5.] The Justice Verma Panel has started work on changing the Indian Anti-Rape laws.If you have suggestions and views please feel free to email the Judge at justice.verma@nic.in or via FAX on 011-23092675.(This is now closed)

This list will be updated periodically.Do leave your suggestions and any useful info in the comments thread.

Facebook Operation X

We have the greatest most awesome Home Ministry ever! Everyone is praising the Home Minister for executing Kasab.It was a very difficult decision for President Pranab to sign the file of a convicted terrorist and murderer.He's awesome.

Anyone can fly a plane into another country a million miles away ,stay undetected,kill Bin Laden,Gather intelligence,Take the body,bury it at sea and escape even before the Authorities know whats going on.Screw the Americans!We are a great country because we showed immense strength and courage in moving a jailed prisoner from Point 'A' to Point 'B' and then had him hung.

Check out  Facebook Operation X:

Robert Vadra's 'I Want Horse!'

This following conversation occurred this past week :

Digvijay Singh: Hello All! We are gathered here today to discuss important things. Let us begin!

Robert Vadra: I WANT HORSE!

Digvijay: Err…Ladies and Gentleman we must do something about this Arvind Kejriwal.He is exposing all of us one by one.

Gadkari: I KNOW ! Look what he did. He exposed me!This is what happens when people google ‘Kejriwal Exposes Gadkari’

  

Khurshid: Dude that is disgusting!

Gadkari: YOU SHUT UP YOU SECULAR DIPSHIT! My bank account is well irrigated you asshole! I don’t need to go after the blind people like you!

Khurshid: SUCK MY BALLS YOU COMMUNAL DOG! I WILL SPILL YOUR BLOOD!

Vadra: I WANT HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.Raja: Arre yaar! Why you people doing the tension? Look at me.2G Scam made me 1, 53,000 crores.I only spent 2 years in jail. Now I am out on bail partying in DMK Constituencies like Madurai!

Sharad Pawar: WE MUST UNITE! WE MUST Unite against Kejriwal before he exposes us all. Let us expose him instead. He has become a problem. We must do something!

Kalmadi: But what can we do? As it is they are not allowing me to continue my good work by recontesting Indian Olympic Association elections! All my CWG work will go down the drain now.

VADRA: I WANT HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

DIGVIJAY: What we must do is Unite against Kejriwal.Kejriwal is an insect in our plans. He is a bloody fly. Flying around and infecting the minds of the people. He spreads lies and calls it the truth. This shitty fly and his maggots have started an India Against Corruption.

They are even making a film on this dangerous Makkhi.

Pawar: I agree. As the most expert corruptician I think we must unite against India against Corruption.Kejriwal is from India against corruption and we are against India against Corruption. Therefore from now on we are Indians Against India Against Corruption. It is decided.

GADKARI:AGREED!

VADRA: I WANT HORSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Digvijay: YOU STUPID BASTARD! FROM THAT TIME YOU ARE SCREAMING YOU WANT A HORSE.WHY THE FU#K DO YOU WANT A HORSE YOU 0% BASTARD?!!

VADRA: BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THIS! 

Will Someday Please Explain What This Stupid Song Is Supposed To Mean?

 

Ever since I met Fake Jhunjhunwala (who I plan to have executed) 4 months ago, I have consistently dedicated my efforts to realizing the meaning of the world’s greatest conundrum. My superior intelligence has been confounded by just one thing and one thing only in the last few months. It has occupied me day and night. Night and day. Afternoon also.

This is the reason I have been absent .I have been marooned on an island of my own thoughts trying to decipher this puzzle. Every possible crack team of intelligence personnel ,RAW,CIA,FBI ,CBI and ACP Pradyuman’s CID have been pressed into solving this fundamental question :

 WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES ISHQ WALA LOVE MEAN?

SOMEBODY TELL ME! 

I Have seen this song on TV from the film ‘Student of the Year’ and it has frazzled my mind ever since.

I know that ISHQ means LOVE [ʻIshq (Arabic: عشق‎; in Persian: eshgh; in Urdu: ishq; in Dari: eshq; in Pashto: eshq; in Turkish: aşk and in Azerbaijani: eşq), means love]

I also know that LOVE means LOVE

I know that Wala is a suffix as in  JHUNJHUNWALA.

 

So ISHQ WALA LOVE should mean LOVE WALA LOVE.

EH?!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?WHAT IS A LOVE WALA LOVE?

SOMEBODY TELL ME!

I am asking the director of this film Mr.Karan Johar what the bloody hell is ISHQ aka Love being used for in a song title already having the word  LOVE? 

I even saw a young person writing the name of this song as ISHQ WALA LUV.I have immediately directed all my marketing companies to attract the youth market by changing the spelling of LOVE to LUV.

But I still fail to understand what Ishq meaning love means in Ishq wala love or love wala love.Just thinking about this gives my sexy head a headache!Grrrrr

Does this mean that from now on we shall see songs like :

MONKEY WALA BANDAR

KUTTA WALA DOG

AURAT WALA WOMAN

BHOOT WALA GHOST

JHUNJHUN WALA JHUNJHUNWALA

SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY THE FIRST WORD AND THE LAST WORD MEANING THE SAME THING IN TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES ARE BEING USED TO MAKE NO BLOODY SENSE!

If this is a film about students then I am very very shocked. I am worried about our education system.I plan to write a letter to our HRD Minister The Hon-Her-able KAPIL SIBAL and seek a proper explanation though I am sure Sibal will tell me that Ishq and Love both have zero loss.

 

ONE OTHER Question.In a song about LOVE in a film about Students WHY ARE THE PEOPLE  DANCING IN FRONT OF A BURNING TREE?

SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You people relax and please watch a movie which has songs which have meaningful titles. This is a film not called Angrez wala English and it is produced by an awesome- super- duper- mega- super- fantastic –mega- guy. It’s called ENGLISH VINGLISH.