GARWARE WALL ROPES Is Useful

As expected my agony aunt column is a big hit. So here’s more from the latest installment.

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Q: Dear Rakesh, when the Sensex was touching new heights I was able to see you on CNBC TV18 every day but now that the Sensex is touching new lows why am I unable to see you on CNBC TV18?Has the BEAR CARTEL scared you into living under a rock? --- Aspiring Stock Broker, Patiala.

A: Dear Aspirer, since you are unable to see me I suggest that you get your eyes checked. Maybe months of watching the stock ticker on CNBC at close range has caused your optic nerve to become weak thus you are unable to see clearly. My advice to you is to get your eyes checked preferably by an optometrist registered under the Indian Eye Association.

Q: Hi, My name is Imran Khan, I used to play cricket but now I play politics. I am scared that the Indian government trusts our Interior Minister Rehman Malik a bit too much and he takes advantage of this by misleading your country. Can you tell me how the Indian government can be made to stop trusting Rehman?

A: Don’t worry, your problem is solved, WE DON’T TRUST HIM ANYWAY! The only Rahman we trust is the one who sings ‘Jai Ho’.

Q: I’m a hot girl living in London. I’m not sure if the IPL will go ahead this year. Can you tell me once and for all if the IPL will indeed go ahead this year? It’s my only opportunity to see Ashish Nehra in action; I have a huge crush on him!!

A: DO I FU*KIN LOOK LIKE LALIT MODI TO YOU? Go ask the BCCI and after the aspiring guy gets his eyes checked go to the same doctor to get your eyes checked.

Q: Can you tell me why people are interested in bidding for Satyam Computers even after the company has gone through such a bad time?----Muthuswamy Pillai,Calicut.

A: It’s because those who are bidding for Satyam have gone completely mental.

Q: Does this mean you won’t invest in Satyam? --- M Pillai, Calicut.

A: I never said that.

Q: Hi! I’m Sudipto from West Bengal. Recently I installed Tata Sky DTH service in my house but inspite of this my life is not ‘Jingaa Laa Laa’.What should I do now?

A: You should invest in one of the companies I invest in called GARWARE WALL ROPES. When they declare their dividend you should buy a wall rope from GARWARE WALL ROPES. This is good for me as it makes sure that the value of my investment increases marginally thanks to the rope that you bought.

It also makes sure that the dividend is returned to the company since you used it to purchase the wall rope.

After This You Should Use That Rope To Hang Yourself.

GARWARE WALL ROPES –“Isko Lagaa Dala,Toh Life Jinga Laa Laa”

Q: Dear Sir, can you tell me which is your favorite reality TV show?—Girl Who Can’t Mind Her Own Business, New Delhi.

A: My favorite reality show begins in about a month’s time. Meet the contestants:

I expect this guy to also invest in GARWARE WALL ROPES especially if he doesn’t win the show.

Bobby-J Says It Was Usman

Rap music is popular, even I can rap:

Yo Yo Yo, rapping is like stock breaking,

You make the MONEY and spend it on the HONEY,

And then you invest it in more stocks…..

One of the world’s most famous rappers is Bobby-J. For those who don’t know Bobby-J is an American politician. He is presently the governor of an American state called Louisiana.

I know Bobby-J because he is the estranged brother of my assistant/laundry boy,Mini-J.

Bobby-J and Mini-J were born on the night of a lunar eclipse. They got separated at birth and grew up into two separate people with almost identical DNA. Mini-J stayed back in India while Bobby-J became an American politician. Years later they met at a railway station and discovered that they had a birthmark on the back of their necks.

They also realized that they both talked like weasels and have faces that look like deep fried monkey butt. Thus they came to the conclusion that they were both brothers who were separated at birth.

This is when they shook hands, went to the opposite ends of the railway platform and ran towards each other at 120km/hour shouting “BHAIYYA….AA…..AAA…...AAA”.

I got to laugh when they banged into each other, broke their teeth and landed in hospital for a week.

Both Bobby-J and Mini-J have another thing in common. They both work for me. Everybody knows what Mini-J does.

But, Bobby-J is my top secret spy in America. As a member of the Republican Party he finds ways to defeat Barack Obama and since he’s a rapper he gets to perform whenever the Republicans party.

In time Bobby-J could become the President of the USA and since he works for me that would in effect make me the king of the planet.

This is what I call long term investing, I invest in Bobby-J now and in 2012 my investment matures and I get to rule the world.

Bobby-J has been feeding me exclusive details of the attack on the Sri Lankan team in Lahore.

But how would an Indian born American governor of Louisiana get to know about the attack by Pakistanis on Sri Lankans in Pakistan?

It’s simple because here in India or Pakistan or Sri Lanka we like to have criminal cases investigated by American investigative agencies like the FBI and CIA.They know before us what’s happened.

Zardari will now go and ask Obama for money saying “See I told you, we are also a victim of terror, now give me money for military aid, preferably 700 Billion Dollars.”

The more Obama gives to Zardari = lesser for company bailouts and the lesser for bailouts =more number of bankruptcies .More the number of bankruptcies =lesser is the value of my own portfolio.

Now that can’t happen can it?

This is why Bobby-J is stationed in America to inform me about all the stupid crap that the Americans are pulling.

Now the Pakistanis have already said that there is a foreign hand involved in the Lahore attack. According to them the foreign hand looks something like this:

What the American investigation has revealed is that the man responsible for the Lahore attack is a dangerous third rate cricketer called Usman Afzal.

Usman Afzal has always been jealous of Sri Lankan Thilan Samaraweera.It is because of Thilan that Afzal didn’t get an IPL contract.

His jealousy only increased when Thilan Samaraweera scored two consecutive double hundreds against Pakistan. He then declared a fatwa on Samaraweera.

The terrorists who accepted the fatwa therefore shot at Thilan but could only injure his leg.

Now Usman is really pissed, the terrorists couldn’t get rid of Thilan and his girlfriend Amrita Arora found out about Usman’s fatwa and decided to punish him by marrying someone else.

As far as my investment in Bobby-J goes,

“I Always Knew My Investment In Bobby-J Was A Good Deal.

I Never Doubted It Even For A Minute.”

Because Of Kasab :A POEM

When people lose their jobs,

The Americans call it a recession,

In India recession is caused by extremism.

Extremism leads to terrorism.

Terrorism leads to illegal immigration.

Illegal immigration caused Kasab to come to India.

Because of Kasab, India is in recession.

Because of Kasab this guy lost his job:

And this guy:

And this guy:

The recession causes job loss not only in India,

But also in places that are not India.

In Pakistan this guy lost his job because of Kasab:

And This guy

Many people hate Kasab but some people like him.

Because of Kasab,

This dude got a promotion:

At first he was doing FINANCE,

Now he is doing HOME,

The task of the HOME is to repair the Taj’s DOME.

Because of Kasab this dude also got a promotion:

First he was minding EXTERNAL AFFAIRS,

Now he is doing FINANCE,

One day he hopes to be the PM.

This of course depends,

Because if the sick PM,

Becomes a healthy PM,

Then the temporary PM cannot,

Be permanent PM.

The PM was fine,

He said “The nuclear deal is mine”,

“A few more months and once again the chair will be mine”.

But then Kasab came by boat:

Everybody got a headache,

But the PM developed heartache.

They put him in the hospital,

The PM got a heart BY- PASS,

Thanks to his by- pass Chidu and Pranab

Also got a free BY- PASS.

They said “Thank You Madamji”,

But the PM said “Don’t Thank Madamji”,

“It is because of Kasab that you have by- passed me”.

Now Kasab is in jail,

He would like to be out on bail.

In our country companies need the bailout

While the criminals also want the bailout.

If you are a company man then you might get a BAILOUT,

If you are a criminal then you might be OUT ON BAIL.

But if you are a politician like Pappu:

Then not only will you get money for bailout,

But also money for being OUT ON BAIL.

Kasab has to learn this,

He wished that the Lashkar,

Could teach him this.

Because of Kasab ,

The JUDGE has to read 11,000 pages,

Because his Charge Sheet contains 11,000 pages.

I am wondering if the trial will be over,

By the time the Judge finishes reading 11,000 pages,

Or will the Judge himself be over?

By the time he gets through 11,000 pages.

But thanks to Kasab,

And all those pages,

I have become richer,

Because I invested in paper.

Because of Kasab ,

The candle makers are happy,

Thanks to all the depression,

The sales have picked up even in the recession:

Now where Kasab is,

That’s where all the high security is,

If they had put that security at India's Gateway,

Then our country wouldn’t have to go through fate's terrible way.

Because of Kasab,

Mumbai burned,

This baby’s parents died:

My country cried,

And all I got in return was this stupid poem.