Friday, November 28, 2008

Shivraj Patil Answering Machine

The BSE was closed today, so I had nothing to do all day. CB Bhave personally called me and told me that because the terrorists had taken over the Taj Hotel and the Oberoi Hotel and left the city in a state of chaos there would be no trading on the stock market.

I always enjoy an unexpected holiday but I do not enjoy being told that I can’t show off my genius on a daily basis. In any case I was pissed with the terrorists and since I was stuck at HOME all day I decided to call up the HOME Minister to demand an explanation.

All I got was this voice operated message in Shivraj Patil’s voice on Shivraj Patil’s answering machine:

"Yo dudes! You’ve reached Shivraj Patil’s residence. Sorry I’m not available at the moment because I’m in Mumbai which as you all know is dealing with terrorists. Don’t you ever wonder how come I always reach a place after it’s been attacked by terrorists?

I’m sorry for the inconvenience; I will try and get back to you after I get back from Mumbai.

For any further help feel free to browse through my voice operated interactive automated user menu developed by BSNL.

To hear Shivraj Patil “CONDEMN” and “STRONGLY CONDEMN” this attack press #1. Please note this message may sound similar to previous messages delivered after terrorist attacks in Ahmedabad, Jaipur, Lucknow, Delhi, Bangalore, Hyderabad, etc. Any such similarity is purely co-incidental.

To hear the Prime Minister’s explanation in Parliament where he will promise the strictest of action with sentences like “We promise to catch the perpetrators of this heinous crime” & “We will do all it takes to stop terror” press #2.

To hear Opposition Party Chiefs criticize the UPA government and blame them for inaction press #3.

To hear a detailed explanation on why our Indian Policemen continue to use outdated rusted rifles while terrorists use hand grenades and AK-47’s press #4.Please note you will also hear a message from the Finance Minister saying that because of the Global Credit Crisis the Indian government is unable to procure the latest weaponry. This is our excuse for 2008.

To hear previous excuses on why we continue to use outdated weapons press #5 and to hear our future excuses press #6.

To know how you can watch an advanced screening of NDTV’s ‘We The People’ where Barkha Dutt will make a big deal (as usual) about this attack with special guests Alyque Padamsee And Prahlad Kakkar press #7.

To hear the Pakistani government say that their ISI intelligence agency had nothing to do with this press #8.

To hear the Central and State Government’s compensation packages for everyone who has died or is injured press #9.

To hear Kevin Peterson blaming the terrorists for carrying out these attacks after his team was thrashed 5-0 by the Indian Cricket Team instead of before thereby robbing them of an opportunity to abandon their tour earlier press #10.

To buy the latest copy of Shivraj Patil’s newest book ‘How to allow 19,000 terrorist attacks and still be Home Minister’; press #11.

To replay this entire menu in Hindi press #12."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Product Testing And Subtexting

As the official brand ambassador of Telebrands, yours truly is often required to test their newest products.

Their latest product is called the Telebrands SUBTEXTER™ and I’ve been trying it out on all these guys.

Prime Minister, Dr Manmohan Singh: “We have the capacity and ability to sustain the growth rate of about eight per cent and will do so.”

Subtext: It’s amazing how I have a degree in Economics from Cambridge University but can still continue to say that we can grow at 8% despite the worst economic crisis in a century. I only have to keep saying this till the ELECTION, after that it’s someone else’s problem.

LK Advani: “The government's flawed policies led to high inflation.”

Subtext: Let me see now. I blamed the UPA government for:

1. The Nuclear Deal.

2. The terrorist attacks (both in India and planet Neptune).

3. Cash for votes scam.

4. Kandhamal violence.

5. Every single flyover collapse this past decade.

6. Crash of the Sensex in 2008.

7. Somali pirates.

8. Barack Obama becoming US president.

9. Habibul Bashar and the Bangladesh team joining the ICL.

10. Congo Pirates.

11. Lalu Yadav using hair gel on my birthday.

12. Katrina Kaif still using a dubbing artist to speak Hindi in her films.

13. Banning the film ‘Deshdrohi’.

14. etc.

I‘ve got to find newer things to blame the government or else I’ll never be PM.

CB Bhave, Chairman SEBI: "There is no evidence so far that any Bear cartel is operating or there is any kind of manipulation in the markets."

Subtext: I learnt a new word called CARTEL after the Telecom Minister also said the CARTEL was behind the 60,000 Crore rupees spectrum scam.

Vijay Mallya: “I do not run Kingfisher Airlines through media.”

Subtext: Ooh Laa Laa Laa Lala Looeye Oh,Oo Laa Laa Laa Laa Laa Ley Oh.

Montek Singh Ahluwalia: "Let me assure you that inflation is coming down and in recessionary circumstances, industry will automatically soften prices."

Subtext: That’s the 9 millionth time I’ve said something stupid but I know I’ll get away with it. I can always say I was quoted out of context if someone brings this up.

CPM General Secretary Prakash Karat: "They will pay for their misdeeds and people will vote them out of power. What we need to see is that no communal party sits in the chair. We are confident of a good performance"

Subtext: Okay listen, how come none of the news channels are talking about me ever since the Nuclear Deal-Confidence Vote fiasco ended? I feel so used.

Karan Johar :"It's fun and new. We've made sure not to offend any group or community. I'd never make a film that would offend anybody. Dostana has a great look and it's a clean happy watch"

Subtext: I’ve just taken my secret gay existence to a whole new level. I made a film where one of the heroes is married to Aishwarya Rai and the other is engaged to Bipasha Basu.That’s two guys involved with the two hottest chicks in the country and I still show them as gay people in my film. How many more clues do people actually need to realize I too am gay? Should I start wearing a sari now?

Praveen Togadia: “I do not know Pragya Singh at all. But I know she is not a terrorist.”

Subtext: Only Muslims are terrorists, especially the converted Muslims like Mikaeel Jackson.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's A Test Named After An Animal

Lakhs of aspiring students took a test on Sunday called the CAT to enter the IIM.There is always a simpler way to enter the IIM’s and it involves the one who wants to enter to stand outside the gate of the respective IIM and then repetitively move their legs in a to and fro motion such that their bodies are physically displaced into the inner perimeter of the concerned IIM.

In simple words, all one has to do enter an IIM is to walk through its gate. This is a 100% successful formula for entering the IIM and produces results at IIM Ahmedabad, Kolkata, Lucknow, Bangalore, Indore, Kozhikode and the IIM Bay of Bengal.

IIM Kapoor took the CAT like he does every year just to reassure himself that he’s still clever, he then gave me the question paper:


1.]To take this test and do well you studied night and day by locking yourself inside your room, not having a haircut or a bath and eating very little thereby causing yourself irreparable harm.Would’nt it have been better if you did the same thing on TV and get rich the way Rahul Mahajan has on Big Boss?

a. No, I like locking myself inside my room.

b. Yes, I should have. In future I will use Rahul Mahajan as a case study for my MBA.

2.] If the Somali pirates were to hijack a ship full of pirated DVD’s, which war on piracy would become more important?

a. The ship pirates of course, as an IIM student how else will we entertain ourselves if we can’t watch pirated DVD’s in our dorm room.

b. It can only be option (a) above. We could have said “BOTH” but at the IIM we believe in compliCATing things. Why else would we name an exam after an animal and create a national holiday just to fill 500 seats?

3.] Why are you writing this test?

a. Don’t know, I was bored.

b. I wanted handwriting practice.

c. I had some extra cash I wanted to burn so I used that as the entry fee for this test. Didn’t actually know I had to sit for three hours and then realize I didn’t even pass the test.Damn you IIM.

4.] If it takes A 2 minutes to travel 10 km in Mumbai and B 20 minutes to travel the same distance, what is their average speed?

a. What sort of names are A and B?

b. Screw this test; tell me how I can travel 10km in 2 minutes in Mumbai!

5.] If you were to pass this test and get an MBA degree you would end up working for someone rich like Mukesh Ambani or Kumarmangalam Birla. Would you prefer this or be a self employed professional like Abdul Karim Telgi?

a. I would like to work for a family owned business house thereby negating my chances to truly make myself the boss of my own company despite an IIM degree.

b. Abdul Karim Telgi is my role model, that guy earned his cash by literally printing his own money.

6.] Study the figure below, what would you do if you were the guy under the Hippopotamus?

a. Try to manage the solution, after all this is a test for a management degree.

b. Poke the hippo with my fingernails.

c. Scream for help, DUH!

d. Discuss wildlife conservation with the hippo.

e. Why is there another option, if the above 4 haven’t worked I’m probably dead. Please attend my funeral.

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