I Was Busy Buying Champagne Indage

A few days ago a bank called Deutsche Bank approached me; they said that they wanted the honor of investing in my company. Normally I don’t allow companies whose names I can’t pronounce to invest in my companies.

Nonetheless, those guys invested in a company of mine called Pegasus Arc. I describe this company as an asset reconstruction company. Till today I had no idea what the hell that meant.It’s one of those things mini-j came up with to fool foreigners who run banks with unpronounceable names.

But asset reconstruction according to mini-j is the ability to tell people what they want to hear so that they will give you the money to do what you want to do thinking that it’s their idea in the first place.

After learning about Asset Reconstruction, I tried to find practical examples in India and I didn’t have to look further than the Telecom Ministry.

There is a fellow called A.Raja who is linked to communist D.Raja.They are both Rajas.

For the past few weeks A.Raja has been selling spectrums for 3G and 2G in India but he‘ s been selling spectrums for very less.

Sunil Mental from Hair-tel and Hutchinson.D.Pug have paid very little for the 3G spectrum.

They think they got it cheap but they’re wrong. They were done in by asset reconstruction.

Elections will be on soon in Rajasthan, Chhattisgarh, J&K and Madhya Pradesh and after that there are General Elections next year.

A.Raja has been on a mission to raise money for elections. He’s simply reconstructed the asset called RUM into SPECTRUM because when it comes to elections, it’s about Rum Not Spectrum.

A.Raja knows fully well that by taking an advance from telecom companies he will be tele-con-ing them into paying for spectrum while he is busy buying rum for 60,000 Crore rupees inclusive of all taxes.

Rum is a lubricant that works better than anything else.Rum lubricates better than Castrol 2t, 4t, 8t, 45t, 599898t or 67.98.09.56.43t.

Rum is required to buy opposition party support and rebel MP support. It energizes the body better than Red Bull when riots have to be carried out because rum allows you to throw stones with both hands to break car and bus windshields while Red Bull helps to throw stones with one hand only.

There are others who reconstruct assets like A.Raja. Murli Deora does not want to cut down fuel prices.Murli knows that if the price of fuel goes down then the liquid of choice to burn vehicles in a riot will be petrol and not rum and if that happens it will be direct interference in the affairs of another government ministry especially a ministry headed by A.Raja of the DMK.

Now rum has become even more of a political issue.Margaret Alva wanted to party with the Congress but they didn’t give her or her son any rum and now she’s quit. How can she party without rum?

Even the Bomb blasting Malegaon Sadhvi is unhappy without rum. Sitting in jail she’s become a SAD-vi. The only rum she gets is when she undergoes a narco test. Rum makes you tell the truth.

No wonder, I’ve been buying shares of Champagne Indage.They make champagne and rum.

In A Country Like Ours, Rum And Spectrum Are Long Term Investments.

Deve Gowda IS Greater Than Barack Obama

Trying to understand this has been very hard. The entire world is happy that Barack Obama is the next President of the United States. The media monkeys are jumping for joy.

I fail to understand what the gallata is all about but I can sense the media’s excitement. The Americans make a big deal of absolutely everything. Clearly they don’t know what a real election is.Only 1 out of two people could have won the presidency of the US. It could only have been John McCain or Barack Obama. So the media asking questions like ‘Who Will Be the Next President’ is total bullshit.

If the Americans want to make a big deal about an election, they should do it here in India because in our country anyone can be Prime Minister;Sonia Gandhi,Manmohan Singh,LK Advani,Rajnath Singh, Narendra Modi, Prakash Carrot,Mayawati,Chiranjeevi,Syed Shahbuddin, Lalu Yadav, Pappu Yadav,DP Yadav,Venkaiah Naidu, The Guy From The Surya Bulbs And Tubes Ad,Udit Narayan,Sania Mirza,My Milkman,……Anyone.

The difference is that our Prime Ministers don’t need to work as hard as Obama to become the boss of the country. We believe in simple solutions. Another example of the India Story.

Barack Obama worked way too hard to become the President. He should have learnt the Indian way to be the leader of a democracy from the experts like Deve Gowda.

For the past 2 years Obama ran around all across America. He went from state to state and gave speech after speech for 12 hours a day. He said ‘We Need Change’. The American Beggars Society threw coins at him. That’s how he got his campaign money:

Deve Gowda on the other hand went to a party meeting just for the free snacks and before the meeting was over became the eleventh Prime Minister of India:

Barack Obama shook people’s hands, greeted them and said nice things:

Deve Gowda was sleeping:

Barack Obama was on TV every night debating important issues trying to convince people to make him the next US President:

Deve Gowda was sleeping:

Barack Obama made fancy speeches and used big words like democracy, freedom, Bin Laden, etc:

Deve Gowda was sleeping:

Barack Obama is a moron because he exhausts his body by standing for hours giving speeches:

Deve Gowda always sits down and gives speeches:

Barack Obama gave away a free T-Shirt every time somebody gave him $30:

Deve Gowda dressed like this:

Barack Obama will spend the next four years framing economic policy, managing the Iraqi war and dealing with Russia:

When he was PM, Deve Gowda massaged his lower lip and tried to guess the number of stars in the sky:

Obama will spend hours and weeks trying to rectify the problems of his country. His team will find every possible solution to solve a problem and if that fails Obama will accept responsibility for the failures of his administration.

Deve Gowda never worried about these things.Whenever something went wrong in the country,He simply pointed to the opposition and said “It’s Their Fault”.

Barack Obama promises to kill Osama Bin Laden:

Asked what he would do if he found Osama; Gowda dug his nose and said “We Will Hand Over the Case to the CBI.”

Obama may be the next President of the US but he knows nothing about leadership like Deve Gowda. Deve Gowda is a man of action.

Ekta Kapoor's Alien Fatwa

I was busy preparing for the weekend. I had a nice bubble bath with extra bubbles and then performed Ganesh Puja.As I sat down to watch TV, the doorbell rang and someone entered. It was Hutchinson.D.Pug a.k.a the CEO of Vodafone.

"Me: So, what’s up dog?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: I’m being attacked by ALIENS.

Me: Aliens!

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Yes Aliens.

Me: What are you talking about?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: A few weeks ago, I was approached by Ekta Kapoor from Balaji Telefilms. She wanted me to act in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi (KSBKBT) but I refused. Since then she’s been thirsting for revenge. She’s put out a FATWA against me.

Me: Why did she want you to act in KSBKBT?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Duh! Because I’m so cute and fuzzy. Star Plus wanted Ekta to do something to increase the ratings of her show. Therefore she asked me to star in KSBKBT and I refused citing ‘Date Problems’. After seeing the ratings of KSBKBT continuing to fall; Star Plus decided to cancel the show. Ekta wants revenge. She feels that it was because of me that KSBKBT was cancelled.

Me: So what’s the deal with Aliens?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Aliens throughout the universe love KSBKBT.For us it may be a fantasy soap opera but for the Aliens it’s a documentary detailing the aspects of their own lives.

Aliens age at the same rate that Ekta’s characters age in KSBKBT.They can go from being 20 to 40 in twenty seconds flat and from 40 to 60 in 30 seconds flat.

Each time 1 Alien slaps another, that slap is automatically instant replayed by the Alien planet 45 times. The very centre of gravity of that planet changes every time one Alien slaps another Alien similar to how the camera angles change when a slap occurs on KSBKBT.

The Aliens ask their medical students to study plastic surgery techniques from KSBKBT. No doctor in this universe has achieved proficiency in plastic surgery as the doctors from the University of Balaji Telefims.Only they can change the complete form and shape of a human being into a completely new person with a new voice, a new waistline, a new everything.

Alien doctors also learn how to cure long term and short term amnesia by watching the doctors of KSBKBT cure the frequent amnesia attacks that conveniently strike actors of KSBKBT.

Everytime an Alien feels sad; there is an orchestra behind the Alien to supply crappy background music.

Aliens suffer from conjunctivitis and cry just like Tulsi from KSBKBT.Tears collected on the Alien planet are used as manure to grow Alien crops.

But the Aliens are simply pissed that they’ll no longer be able to see their favorite actor on TV anymore. An actor from their own solar system.

Me: You mean, there’s an Alien who’s currently acting in KSBKBT.

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Yes and it’s that old hag called Baa.Only Aliens can live for as long as she has.

Baa has lived for Three Million Years. She was born even before the dinosaurs. In fact she might have even caused their extinction.

Me: Hmmm.

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Because of this, the Aliens have accepted Ekta’s fatwa and are trying to assassinate me. They simply love Baa.They even have T-shirts saying ‘I love baa’.

Me: When did you learn of all this?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: About a month ago.

Me: Why the bloody hell are you telling me only now?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Because I was busy shooting in South Africa for the newest ads of Vodafone mobile. I worked with a great director. I shot 3 ads. In the first one I stood outside a tent. In the second I carried shoes in my mouth and in the third I carried a towel in my mouth.

But that girl to whom I gave the shoes and the towel is ungrateful. I gave those things to her and she didn’t even say 'THANK YOU'.

Me: So how will you deal with this fatwa problem?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Nobody messes with Hutchinson.D.Pug and gets away with it. If the Aliens think that they’ll get me they’re wrong. The first thing I’m going to do is to find that old hag Baa and Ekta Kapoor.I’ll electrocute them both with a TASER.The electricity will flow through their veins and they’ll end up looking like an ad for power generation.

As far as the Aliens are concerned, they don’t know this but I’ll take help to defeat them from my brother.

Me: You have a brother?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: Yes, his name is Frank.D.Pug and he works for a top secret international governmental organization.

Me: So what, how will that help?

Hutchinson.D.Pug: It’s not just any organization. It’s THE organization set up solely to hunt and kill Aliens. Its members have no names, no identities. They dress in black and they’ve been protecting the earth from the scum of the universe for ages.

Me: You don’t mean….

Hutchinson.D.Pug: I definitely do, they are the Men in Black.”