Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Now You Understand The MILKY Way

Opinions are what people do to you when you talk to them. If you do it on TV you’re called an ‘EXPERT’, if you do it in the newspaper ‘A Columnist’ and if you do it in the BJP you are called a ‘Yashwant Sinha’.

Over the past few days people have heard things. When they heard these things they opinionated and created a truer picture of the Milky Way galaxy. Too bad they didn’t get paid to do it.


On hearing that the Bandra Worli Sea Link has been completed:

A Lashkar- E- Toiba terrorist opined: “WOW it’s wonderful, I knew that Shivraj Patil would come through on his promise. Thanks to his efforts the Congress has completed the Sea Link.

Now ,hard working Lashkar Mujahideen can save 35 minutes while travelling from Bandra to Worli to blow things up.

We will now use the Sea Link to blow up Bandra or Worli or the Sea Link itself or all three and save 40 minutes doing so. There is a problem with the toll fee but thanks to the ISI’s help in printing fake currency our toll arrangements are also taken care of. Long live Shivraj Patil.Jai Maharashtra!”

On hearing that the government is thinking of scrapping section 377 of the IPC:

One gay man said this on 28 June:

“Veerappa Moily is the new gay icon of India!!He’s so sexy with his paunch and bulbous nose!!! His white hair so beautifully almost covers his iconic bald spot!!!!!!!!!We the gays want to show our appreciation by launching our own brand of Veerappa Moily merchandise including the ‘I love Veerappa Moily!!!!!!!!!’ t-shirts, hats ,water bottles and cricket bats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The same gay man said this on 29 June, when Moily wanted to reconsider the scrapping:

“Veerappa Moily has really made me sad!!!If I was not gay I’d probably beat him up but as a proud gay man I won’t resort to violence!!!!I’ll just tell Karan Johar and he’ll make a film about Veerappa Moily and his internal struggle with section 377!!!!!!!!!!!!That’ll really hurt his feelings and the gays will be exhilarated!!!!!!!!!!!!You got that darling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Retired justice Liberhan on the Babri Masjid demolition report:

“See I’m an old man. I know that it’s only 700 pages but it has taken 17 years to get this done because I personally wrote one page a day.

That took only two years but for the remaining fifteen years I was checking and rechecking the document to see if there were any spelling mistakes. That’s why it’s taken 17 years.

In the middle I was on leave because I got chicken pox and recently I couldn’t get it done because I was nurturing my dream of playing for the Indian men’s Volleyball team”

“Come to think of it, I did manage to stretch this two month assignment to seventeen years and also got paid for seventeen years. Wow! I’m a genius. I wonder if Rakeshji Jhunjhunwalaji will help me invest all the money I’ve earned in the past 17 years.”

Montek Singh Ahluwalia on what comes after number 1293983:

Before applying Montynalysis : “The economy’s demand has shown a divulgatory roadmap for global expansion through what we believe will be India’s example of inclusive activising that has resulted from the global consciousness of inflatory methods. ”

After applying Montynalysis “I suck ass. Did anyone just understand all that I just said? ”

Sonia Gandhi after inaugurating the Bandra Worli Sea Link:

“Bloody hell, I can’t believe I came all the way by plane from Delhi to cut a stupid ribbon. Its worse that I had to stand next to Ashok Chavan, Sushil Shinde, Vilasrao Deshmukh and Bulldog Face Chhagan.”

One of them even FARTED. I think it was Vilasrao.”

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Blame It On Mayawati

A day ago Michael Jackson died. Thanks to the wonder of Television (I have Plasma LCD with BLU RAY- limited edition) I was able to watch many tributes to him.

Today I notice that there is a full-scale international investigation headed by the media to find out how Michael Jackson died.

The media never left Michael alone when he was alive and they’re still not leaving him alone once he’s passed on into the afterlife.

So how did Michael Jackson die?

At this point I would like to issue a specially prepared statement verified by my Chief Public Relations Officer:

“I Rakesh Jhunjhunwala had absolutely nothing to do in the matter of Michael Jackson’s demise. Any reports or rumors being harbored on the Bombay Stock Exchange that I Rakesh Jhunjhunwala killed Michael Jackson are completely and totally untrue. They are an attempt to malign my sexy image and cause a stock market crash which would only end up benefiting the Bear Cartel”

Now why did I just say all this?

It’s because as an influential man I get blamed for a lot of things. We live in a society of blamers.

But thanks to statements verified by one’s Chief Public Relations Officer one’s blame can always be cleared.

Once the blame is cleared it is one’s duty to get back to being a member of society by placing the blame for a particular event by blaming someone else.

This is exactly what I have done. The bear cartel has blamed me for the death of Michael Jackson. Now that I have cleared my name by issuing a statement I shall place the blame on someone else.

Thus the cycle of blame continues and when the circle of blame comes full circle the Maharashtra government can order an enquiry headed by someone. When that enquiry committee report comes out another new circle of blame begins which is almost always started by the opposition party.

So who killed Michael Jackson?

NOIDA police has conducted its preliminary investigation and revealed that the cause of MJ’s death is a fiendish creature called: MAYAWATI

The NOIDA police theory is based on the following considerations:

  • Mayawati considered Jackson an enemy because MJ liked to erect his statues but Mayawati is also obsessed with erecting statues. Both parties went to the same statue maker. MJ due to his celebritydom was always given the first preference which irritated Mayawati. She thus got rid of the competition by attacking MJ.

  • Mayawati still blames MJ for stealing her dance moves.

  • MJ is connected to Mulayam Singh because Amar Singh knows Amitabh Bachchan who knows Anil Ambani who owns Dreamworks Studios which has produced many films whose original soundtrack has featured songs by Michael Jackson.
  • Since MJ is a foreign national who is not a policeman in UP, he cannot be transferred thus he can only be eliminated.

These are just a few reasons why Mayawati killed Michael Jackson according to NOIDA police.

If you live in a world inhabited by Mayawati, NOIDA police, terrorists, recession, depression, crime and poverty. You are indeed better off dead than alive.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

SP Tulsian Answers: An Interpretation Of Vagueness

In life one encounters strange specimens .Characters so unique that you have to simply sit down and say “DAMN! I can’t believe God had the time to build such a one as this”.

One such character is called SP Tulsian, a market analyst and stock trader who has made more money by being out of the market than in it. He is usually found scaling the walls of business channels simply waiting to give expert advice to people on what to buy and what to sell.

He is the market incarnation of Alyque Padamsee or Suhail Seth ever ready to tell you what you need to do to get rich.

Many people who watch him on CNBC TV18, CNBC Awaaz, Zee Business, UTVi and NDTV have become millionaires.

If you don’t believe me take a look at their testimonials:

“Hi, my name is Ramesh from Kerala. At first I had no money .I was a big fat lazy dickhead, living with my dog Pillai.Then suddenly one day I put on CNBC TV18 and heard SP Tulsian say that those who invest in company X will get rich. Now I have tons of money, a beautiful wife and 2 children. Thanks SP Tulsian.”


“Satsriakal Paajis, My name is HAPPY SINGH.I was unhappy because all my market trades were losing money but thanks to SP Tulsian’s advice on business channels I now make a lot of money during my trades. Thank you Tulsian sir. Because of you Happy Singh is unhappy no more.”

If you too want to be like SP Tulsian then answer every single question the way he does. These people asked him and SP Tulsian amazed them with his universal answer to all problems:

“Greetings Mr. Tulsian, you might remember me from random films produced by Mahesh Bhatt. Recently I was accused of raping my maid. I didn’t do it but nobody believes me, what should I do?”

-- Shiny Ahuja

SP Tulsian Answers: I think you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

“I’ve been living inside pigs for a while now but of late I’ve also been living within humans. I want to live comfortably in India but have so far only managed to live in 50 people in very few cities. Is there any way I can expand my reach to more people in more Indian cities?”

--H1N1 Swine Flu Virus

SP Tulsian Answers: I think you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

“Thank you Mr. Tulsian for taking the time to go through my question. I want to know what I can do to help my team win the Women’s T20 World Cup in England.”

--Sian Ruck, Opening Bowler,

New Zealand Women’s Cricket Team

SP Tulsian Answers: I think you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

“Hi I’m currently blowing up stuff in Lalgarh, West Bengal. Do you have any advice to help me increase my level of violence?”

--West Bengal Maoist

SP Tulsian Answers: I think you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

“Yeah listen, I have GAS but my brother also wants the same GAS but I don’t want to give him my GAS because it’s my GAS. If he wants GAS he should get his own GAS but unfortunately for me the Court wants me to give my GAS to him but with that both him and I will have GAS and more importantly his GAS and my GAS will be the same GAS, even though it is still technically my GAS. What should I do?”

--Mukesh Ambani

SP Tulsian Answers: I think you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

“You jackass, I already own RELIANCE”

--Mukesh Ambani again

SP Tulsian Answers: Yes I understand what you’re saying but I think you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

Now all of you can be like SP Tulsian.

P.S: He thinks you should buy RELIANCE because RELIANCE is a good company.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Twins People,TWINS

I would like to inform all of you that my wife and I have once again become parents. Rekha recently gave birth to the newest additions to the Jhunjhunwala family: My twin sons, Aryaman and Aryavir.

That’s right ,I said TWINS, two of a kind from the only one of a kind investor.

Yeah me! And Congratulations .I have once again displayed my incredible prowess as a master of equity diversification. My powerful loins have produced offspring of each type. At first I had a daughter, a member of the female gender. Now I have twin boys, members of the male gender.

Thus I have created a diversified portfolio of the human race in my very own home. Furthermore the first time I had a child, little Nishtha was born as the sole child. This time my wife’s womb has doubled my investment and given me a 100% rate of return by producing two male children.

Question: Do I plan these things out or am I simply an incredible freakin genius whose talents make these things happen out of sheer spontaneity?

Ans: Leave me alone, I am a celebrity. Respect my privacy because Celebrity privacy is more important than ordinary people’s privacy and if you see me in public don’t approach me. If you do I’ll break your face. I refuse to answer questions on my personal life or discuss my legendary methods (Except on CNBC TV18, UTVi and NDTV Profit).

Even though my twins were born quite a while ago I haven’t said anything because my celebrity status automatically attracts unwanted media attention. The damn paparazzi and journalists from India TV have been perched outside my home and office trying to get the first exclusive pictures of my new born twins.

That’s why I have TOPS GROUP security. Nobody gets to the twins except those certified by TOPS GROUP security.

TOPS GROUP was also present a day ago at the Hyatt in Mumbai when I threw a grand lavish party to celebrate the birth of my twins .I could have celebrated the whole thing at any of the Viceroy Hotels in which I hold a major stake but I liked the Hyatt since it's near my IL Palazzo flat.

We had the whole deal- Close Friends, Page 3 Skanks, Family Members, Mini-J, Important Business People, Courteous Hyatt Staff and the stupid Hyatt manager who was extremely eager for me to pay the bill and the Twins of course.

Many people looked at them and said that one of them had my eyes and Rekha’s nose while the other had Rekha’s eyes and my nose. This is when I reminded them that the most important fact was that they each had a pair of eyes and a fully functional nose and they were not my eyes since my eyes are with me or Rekha’s nose which too is with her.

Shankar,Ehsaan and Loy showed up .Frankly, I have no idea what they were doing there but I enjoyed listening to their songs anyway.

Question: Would I invite them if I had another set of twins?

Ans: I don’t answer hypothetical questions.

All in all the Jhunjhunwala family is very happy.

Aryaman Jhunjhunwala and Aryavir Jhunjhunwala – they’re simply so cute just like their dad! May Ganesha keep them happy forever!

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