India's Next Big Investment Opportunity

As I look out for new Investment opportunities, this being a constant quest I land upon many interesting avenues. After the Muhurat Trading of Samvat 2068, I am wondering if the next big Investment Sector in India is the field of POLITICAL MEDICINE. I recently received this brochure and am seriously considering picking up a stake in SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL. Looks like a super-mega-duper-Guaranteed Multibagger!

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SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL® recognized by the Indian Medical Council accredited with ISO 9800:2011 Rating and awarded 5/5 stars by Taran Adarsh proudly announces the countrywide launch of its highly praised critically acclaimed POLITICIAN RESCUE PROGRAM™

 

ÞIdeally suited for Scam Tainted, Criminally Charged, Jail Bound MLA's and MP'S

ÞExcellent Hospitality provided to Police and CBI arrested political criminals. Experience the finest experience in POLITICAL MEDICINE! We Provide the ultimate SAFE HAVENS to Politicians.

ÞTake advantage of our world class infrastructure! Relax in your own 5 STAR AC Hospital Room/Ward where our dedicated Hospital Staff will protect you from Law Enforcement Agencies

ÞRecommended by highly respected scamster politicians who have experienced our facilities first hand like Madhu Koda, Amar Singh, BS Yeddyurappa, A.Raja, Suresh Kalmadi, Amit Shah, Mickey Pacheco and many more!

ÞGet 'Just Like Home' feeling with your very own LCD TV, Jacuzzi, King Size Bed, custom made politician Kurta/Sari attire all in your very own Room/Ward!

ÞBe provided with the best possible Medical Care by our highly qualified team of Doctors and Surgeons who will easily testify in Court that you have serious Medical Conditions which will help you avoid Jail and stay instead in our Hospital!

ÞChoose your very own disease to be diagnosed with such as Malaria, Pneumonia, Constipation, Diarrhea, Sexually Transmitted Diseases like Chlamydia and Gonorrhea or stick to the popular options like "High BP", "Stomach Pain" and "Breathing Trouble"

ÞTake advantage of our own highly specialized Hospital Legal Cell who will work with our Doctors to ensure that you get bail for your Medical condition and thus avoid Jail!

ÞEnjoy 100% secure and Extensive Wi-Fi + 3G Internet to conduct your secret online Swiss Banking transactions without fear

ÞGet access to our grand Hospital Meeting Room which you can use to meet with political colleagues to strategize how you can avoid being prosecuted by law despite being a corrupt scamster

ÞChoose from any of our attractively priced ARREST AVOIDANCE PACKAGES©™ to suit your needs :

So what are you waiting for? If you are a Politician who is in Jail or about to be sent there admit yourself in SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL® immediately. Avoid Jail time and enjoy life in hospital instead fulltime! GET THE BEST IN POLITICAL MEDICINE TODAY WITH SAFE HAVEN HOSPITAL. GET ADMITTED TODAY! 

The Best Thing About This Diwali

This right here is the best thing about this Diwali. Hold on; let me clear my throat for this. Observe carefully and read my lips:

 Ra.One releases tomorrow, this means -

NO MORE

BASTARD, GHATIYA DABBA, CHU#IYA

GANDU, FRIDGE SELLING, DEODORANT SPRAYING,

T-SHIRT WEARING, TV MODELING, BILLBOARD HOGGING,

NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING, NEWS CHANNEL WHORING, REALITY SHOW JUDGING, INTERNET SPRAYING,

URINAL PLASTERING, METRO TRAIN HUMPING, RADIO GRINDING, FAIRNESS CREAM COVER GLUTTONIZING,

ADVERTISER ASS LICKING MEGA BLADE LEAVING MARKETING OVERDRIVE SLUTTING,

FU#KIN , FU#KED UP ,

 HEAD SPAMMING, COMPLETELY INSANE SUPER HYPER ULTRA PROSTIT

UTING

RA.ONE PROMOTION

NO MORE FU#KIN RA.ONE PROMOTION

!!!!!!

 YAYAYA

YAYAYA

YAYAYA

YAYAYA

YAYAYA

 YAYAY!

Freedom!

!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

  

The Idiot's Flowchart Guide To Running India

Freak Answers To Existential Questions

[  This post was originally written for the Hindustan Times and appeared on the HT Brunch site on September 21,2011 ]

Who am I? Why am I here? Does intelligent alien life really exist? These are some of the questions which run through the mind at a philosophical level. Luckily for you none of these questions are answered below. Instead more important questions have been answered with amazingly freaky wisdom. Check it out!

Q: Sometimes when I blog people troll me with unwanted moronic comments. What should I do?

A: You should find out where these people live and then go and kill them.

Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

A: Concerning yourself with the motives of poultry animals and other livestock as regards to their actions upon them encountering open cemented tar ways used for travel and transport will not help you. Focus on your career instead.

 

Q: I want to lose weight quickly, how do I do this?

A: Cut off your hands and legs . This will 100% cause you to drop a few kgs rightaway.

Q: What is an appropriate time in my life to buy a big plastic sheet?

A: You should buy a plastic sheet when you decide to lose weight and hence cut off your arms and legs. This will cause blood to fall all over the floor.Having a plastic sheet spread out makes cleaning easier.

Q: Who is Shruti Singh Bhatnagar?

A: I don't know. Go to Google and find out.

Q: Why do you read books when there is free TV around?

A: I like looking at page numbers.

Q: I'm an obnoxious little Shithead who likes to sometimes dress like a two dollar whore. What is the right way to take advantage of this?

A: You should consider a career in Reality TV

Q: Does playing Angry Birds on my iPhone all the time make me a Bird Brain?

A: No, the iPhone was invented for the purpose of playing Angry Birds. Not playing it on your iPhone would make you a Bird Brain.