Friday, April 29, 2011

The Indian Political Alphabet Chart

Check out the super-mega-awesome Alphabet Chart being taught at the National Corruption Institute Of India(NCII). I am so happy that Kids are getting the education they need. 


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Greatness Is Coming To The Hindustan Times

Dear Worshippers,

I will be doing a weekly column on Wednesdays for the Hindustan Times Brunch website. Deve Gowda just called me and said that he can't wait to read my Legendary words there also. Please follow in Deve Gowda's footsteps.He is a Great really.....He was even PM of India .

Also,these HT fellows have called me a 'DemiGod' and even insinuated that I am that bastard  called Fake Jhunjhunwala.Grrrrrr,Bloody Fellows.

1.) I am the only Jhunjhunwala. Ask Deve Gowda also.

2.) By calling me a "Demigod" HT has deeply insulted ME. I am not a demigod,I am a full Blown God.Ask Ganesha also.Now that I am on HT  shall make them pay for insulting ME.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

"Corruption Is My Religion.Sharad Pawar Is My God "

I have always been interested in the monkey antics of television performers. Some of them operate under the guise of actors; others do so under the guise of singers, dancers and cricket experts. Under extreme cases you will also find television performers in the guise of cartoons and journalists. Making a differentiation between a cartoon and a journalist on TV is quite hard but cartoons are generally entertaining. For example PERMAN on Nickelodeon is a wonderfully entertaining cartoon.

Anyhow, there is one journo on TV who is an expert brain rattler. Watching him perform on TV gives you the feeling of constipation and diarrhea at the same time. The sensory overload from the Gastro-Intestinal-Tract overloads the brain with a jolt of epileptic fits. In common parlance we call this the Prabhu Chawla Effect.

Prabhu Chawla was the dude who used to host ‘Seedhi Baat’ on Aaj Tak.These days Prabhu is busy doing other things on another channel. Meanwhile Seedhi Baat is now being hosted by a dude called MJ Akbar and before you think it his full name is not Michael Jackson Akbar.

This entry in my journal is not about Prabhu Chawla or MJ Akbar.


It is rather about Seedhi Baat. The following is the top secret transcript of the interview between MJ Akbar and Sharad Pawar or S Pawar or Sharad P aka the chief of the ICC and the Hon-Her-Able part time Agriculture Minister of India on Seedhi Baat.

Here’s MJ Akbar and Sharad Pawar discussing Anna Hazare, Corruption and the works:

MJ: Dear Viewers, welcome to Seedhi Baat .Today we will do Seedhi Baat with this exceptionally Tedhi Fellow Sharad Pawar. Welcome to the show Mr.Pawar!

Pawar: Eh! Screw you OK. You are looking upon me with contempt. If Billy Bowden can have a Tedhi Ungli and become famous in Pepsi Ad then why can’t I, Sharad Pawar have a Tedhi personality and be even more famous?

MJ: No No Sir, I am appreciating your tedhi-ness!

Pawar: Oh! You should have said that earlier itself!!! Now ask your questions and we shall commence with Seedhi Baat
MJ: Mr.Pawar, what do you think of Anna Hazare asking for your resignation as a Minister in the Cabinet on charges of corruption?

Pawar: Hmmm

See, Anna Hazare has got wrong ideas about CORRUPTION. Someone has told him that corruption is a bad thing. Annaji needs to realize corruption is the lifeblood of India.Corruption is our national heritage and we should not be campaigning to get rid of it rather we must be campaigning to increase it.

MJ: WTF?! Increase Corruption? What are you saying Pawar Saab?!!

Pawar: Look Man! Corruption is necessary in today’s world because we live in inflationary times.

With inflation everything costs more. Because everything costs more even honest people (like me) have to resort to corruption. It’s all the fault of garbage fellows like APPLE that corruption is predominant.

MJ: Apple! What the fruit?!

Pawar: No Yaar! Hahaha! Not the fruit which is a moderately rich source of Vitamin C but the American company headed by Steve Jobs which makes electronic consumables.

MJ: Oh!  But how is Apple responsible for YOUR corruption?

Pawar: Companies like APPLE are the single most contributing factor towards people performing corruption. Corruption used to be a choice matter a few years back. Nowadays it is a necessity, plain and simple and it is because of companies like Apple.

Every year Apple makes something new like 'i-phone' and i'-pad'. Simply they keep releasing some new fancy gadget with ‘i’ title and they do this every year.

For example last year they released iPad. This year they have released iPad 2. Then for the past 4 years they have been releasing iPhones. Each new iPhone or iPad is better than the previous one.

MJ: But Mr.Pawar what do the iPhone and iPad have to do with corruption?!!

Pawar: Eh! They have everything to do with it OK!! It is because of iPhone and IPad that corruption happens.

If they keep making new ‘i’ things then people will want to buy them but because they don’t have the money to buy ‘i’ stuff they have to resort to corruption.

I mean what is the need for someone like me to care about Apple? I can simply manage with my normal mobile phone but I want to appreciate hard work, innovation and marketing. That’s why I buy a new iPhone every year.

It’s my way of caring for the hard working people at Apple. If they put so much effort into making a newer, faster and better iPhone and I don’t even buy it then how will they feel?

It is because I have too much regard for their feelings that I have to perform corruption so that I can buy the efforts of their toil!! Anna Hazare must realize this.

MJ: I don’t understand this Pawar Saab. Why can’t you just buy these things in installments /EMI and therefore not do corruption?

Pawar: Because…Because I have Self- respect. Sharad Pawar does not buy things on EMI.

MJ: What about Anna Hazare saying that you are a bad influence on aspiring politicians?

Pawar: Hahahaha! Bad influence!!! Anna does not know what he’s talking about. How can I be a bad influence? I am the best influence any politician can ever have not just in India but the entire world.I mean how many people have come up under my guidance?

Just think of people like Madhu Koda, A.Raja, Suresh Kalmadi, CVC Thomas…

Who were these people before they met me huh?

They were on the bloody roadside doing 20 rupees and 30 rupees corruption. Who took them and taught them how to do 200 crore and 300 crore corruption Eh?!

That Kalmadi – what was he earlier? He was on the footpath selling Bhel Puri for 15 rupees till I took him under my wing. Now he is charging 1500 rupees for toilet paper in Commonwealth Games.

And Lalit Modi? - He used to get caught pissing in his pants when he was in school. Who taught him to do corruption in IPL and escape aaram se to England away from anti corruption agencies huh?! It was Me.

MJ: Are you saying your corruption has gone unappreciated?

Pawar: DEFINITELY. I tell you, this country has no appreciation for talent and hard work.

In every other country people have put up statues of me. They worship me because when it comes to corruption I am frankly speaking the world’s all time greatest corruption performer.

India should be putting my face on a postage stamp, declare a research fellowship in my name. DAMMIT,EVEN GIVE ME THE BHARAT RATNA!!!!

Instead people like Anna Hazare want me to resign?!! What bloody nonsense!!

Just like people worship Sachin Tendulkar, they worship me. In Cricket stadiums fans hold the sign saying ‘Cricket Is My Religion. Tendulkar Is My God’

Every MLA and MP wants to be like me. My fans stand in the Legislative Assemblies and hold up the sign ‘Corruption Is My Religion. Sharad Pawar Is My God’

Everyone is making a big deal that Sachin finally won the World Cup.

What’s so great? I Sharad Pawar am the ICC Chief. I have won the World Cup so many times before!! Why am I not being appreciated for this?

MJ: Don’t you think that Anna Hazare’s hunger strike has hurt your image?

Pawar: Of course not! It takes more than a mere hunger strike to get me down. Anna is a Gandhian. 

He is also someone who believes in the cosmic law of goodwill and punishment. We call this in Hindi as Paap-Punya.He thinks that by undergoing a hunger strike he can earn goodwill and boatloads of Punya but what he has to learn is that I will always earn more Punya than him.

Don’t forget I am the Agriculture Minister. Because of me millions across India have been starving sometimes even to death. Tons of grains have been rotting in godowns. All those people who have nothing to eat because of my Agricultural Policy’s direct impact are all undertaking their own hunger strikes.

Millions are fasting because of me whereas Anna Hazare is just one, so even on the Punya scale by making multitudes fast I have gained more Punya than Anna Hazare.

MJ: Last question Mr. Pawar. What do you think will be the impact of Anna Hazare’s fast?

Pawar: Anna Hazare is a good man but I am a great man.He has unfortunately fallen into the hands of really bad people who are telling him wrong things about me.

Annaji must know that his entire hunger strike was sponsored by 7UP NIMBOOZ. He is in league with Corporates to hurt my image!!

MJ: What are you talking about Mr.Pawar?!!! This is shocking!!!!

Pawar: Then what?!! When Annaji broke his fast the first thing he drank was a bottle of 7UP Nimbooz. That is admitting that Nimbooz was the official sponsor of the Anna Hazare hunger strike:

MJ: Wow! Pawar Saab! You are a great man! Undoubtedly the most corrupt man of all time!! You are a genius. You rock\m/

Any closing message for your fans Mr.Pawar?

Pawar: I just wanna say that corruption must be respected. Doing corruption is not easy so you must always admire it.
Now all of you listen to this song, Ridin’ Solo by Jason Derulo. It’s awesome! Enjoy!!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The 28 Year Journey

Back in 1983 I was a young Chartered Accountant. Out of Sydenham College Bombay, It was a different time. I’d hang around the Bombay Stock Exchange which was then a temple without a God. Like a barren colossus it stood on Dalal Street waiting everyday for its ruler.  I was not as rich as I am today. I wasn’t a billionaire a billion times over. I wasn’t the World’s 993rd Richest Man but then as now I remain the world’s sexiest, most humble, charismatic, sexiest (again), strongest, bravest human being to have ever walked this planet.

But back then I already knew what I continue to know today – I Always Knew I Was Going To Be Rich, I Never Doubted It For A Minute.

Point is that in 1983 when I was still a virtual unknown, no one gave me a shot at becoming the God of the markets. They laughed at me; they ridiculed me, called me names and said that a guy like me could never make it big on Dalal Street.

These days those very same people bow down and salute me. They stand in line one by one and chant my name out of everything from respect to adoration to honor to even contempt and envy and they wonder. Amazement drips from their brains trying to comprehend how this simple boy from Bandra went on to become the biggest ass kicker in the history of the stock markets .My greatness even had a mustache during that period.

A lot of things happened in the 80’s but there’s one event which stands out in my memory like a crystal clear fountain in a sandy desert. This one:

I saw Kapil Dev lift India’s first World Cup In 1983 on a small black and white television. Mumbai partied wild that night. We were out on the streets gobbling golgappas, vada pavs and samosas outside the Bombay Stock Exchange. There was liquor too, not the fancy kind we see today, just the regular good old desi daru.

28 years later, just like millions across the country I watched a similar moment. A different captain, a different team at a different time but what I felt was similar – Absolute bloody Nirvana!!!!!

We’ve been partying in INDIA ever since. The night of the victory I was at the Taj along with the rest of the Indian Team. We partied like crazy!!!!! I mean – CRAZY!!!!!

Have you ever seen God with a World Cup? No? Well, here’s what it looks like:

Wait, let me show you again:

Sachin and the entire team thanked ME for being such a great inspiration to them. Dhoni told me that it was my faith in them that led them to believe that they could indeed become World Champions.

I Am Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Happy That WE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS…….RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since April 2nd India has been partying. That legendary night of April 2nd,we partied so hard that we changed the very spin of the earth. The planet konked off its axis unable to bear the burden of a Ginormous multitude of party people.

And now I’ve taken the World Cup Trophy and put it up on my horns. You can see them everytime my greatness makes a greatness filled tweet .

I also decided to honor this Epic once in a lifetime Epoch moment by mounting the World Cup on my Rolls-Royce Phantom Conquistador. So I got the most spectacular,pimptacular,foshizzle,ching ching,bling bling mechanic in all of the world. Flew him down from LA in my obscenely expensive Private Jet which is bigger than the entire country of Sri Lanka whom we defeated in the finals and had the World Cup mounted on the hood of my Royce.My Rolls Royce bears the World's Coolest Hood Ornament.

Now if you see the World Cup on a Rolls Royce driving on Marine Drive, hell all of Mumbai and India even then you know it belongs to My Greatness.

Remember these faces people. They are the ones who made it happen:


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Thank You INDIA :)

Words Fail Me at this moment. All I can say is that after 28 LOOOOOOOOOONG Years IT has come back ..................HOME

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